Love Among the Pizza Boxes

I’m in my living room.
And I’m blasting my emo music, I even put on heavy eyeliner for this.
So I’m pushing back the cuticles on my big toes with my thumb nail while head banging.
Then the last song on the playlist is over, and if I push my cuticles back anymore, I’ll bleed.
So I turn off my Zune, take my earphones out and I lay back in my chair.
I don’t want to think about last night.
But I do because it’s unavoidable.
I took it too far.
And then he asked me the question I’ve been dreading.
I never thought he’d ask.
I just never wanted to answer it.
It’s not like I contracted anything from- him.
But.
I just wish it hadn’t happened.
With Lance.
I would do it over again if I could.
But I can’t. So I can only wish it didn’t happen.
…
What if it didn’t?
Would last night have been different?
…
It might’ve been.
Riku might not have even asked that question because I might have asked him inside.
And maybe I wouldn’t have woken up alone like I had the first time because it would’ve never happened.
And maybe Riku would’ve told me things Lance never did.
Maybe Riku would stay the whole night.
And I’d sleep in his arms.
And maybe that would mean Riku loved me.
I just shake my head.
He doesn’t.
He probably thinks I’m a whore.
Because I am.
Who would give something up so precious to…
Why did I do that?
Why did I do that with Lance?
Why?
…
Why couldn’t it have been someone else.
At another time.
Why couldn’t it have been Riku last night?
Why did I wake up alone and used?
Why did I think I could be loved and then not be after all because I was just a play thing.
Why do I think that someone could love me now?
I can’t be.
I’m ruined because of Lance.
I clench my teeth.
I can give it, but can never be loved in returned.
Which just sucks.
I’m going to live alone for the rest of my life and just buy some pet fish to keep me company as I grow old and bitter.
Great.
This was an enlightening little thought process.
I get out of the chair and finish getting ready for work.
And then I get to work and everyone’s wishing Harry and Ethel a good trip and to have a fun time.
So I do too.
They leave the observatory half-way through the day to get all the last minute things before they go to Aruba tomorrow.
The rest of the day is slow and boring.
Except for the fact that the air conditioning is going haywire.
First it’s hot, then it’s cold.
Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.
It’s really annoying.
So now it’s the end of the day.
Today is another really hot day and it feels like I’m swimming to my car.
I can feel my eyeliner slowly melting off.
I believe I look like the wicked witch of the west.