Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Ring.
Oh, God.
What if she’s mad at me?
What do I do –
Ring.
I dunno about this…
Ring.
I have to do it.
I can do this.
No I can’t.
Aw, God.
What am I gonna say?
Ring.
“Buddy the elf, what’s your favorite color?”
“Uh – dark blue…?”
Colors…?
“-Riku?!” I hear a thud.
“Uh – yeah. Hi, Shayla.”
Did she fall or something?
I hear her groan. “-God damn couch. See if you like it if I trip you.”
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yep. Peachy keen. I just kicked the couch, so we’re good.”
“Well alrighty then.”
Gah, you’re a dork.
“So, uh…” I really need to learn to think things through. “Happy Friday?”
“Oh. Thanks. You too?”
“Thanks. Uh…”
Say something, man.
Anything.
Anything at all.
Talk about palm trees again, for all I care.
Just say something.
Shut up, Constance, I’m thinking.
“Thanks for calling.”
“You’re welcome. I, uh… Thanks for answering.”
Because I was half afraid she wasn’t going to answer.
“…Sure. Hey listen- I’m… I-uh. I’m sorry about the other night…”
“Sorry for what?”
I’m the one who should be apologizing, after all.
Maybe that’s why I called.
“…Well. I- I… Um… This is hard to say… Well. I stopped. And I didn’t know if…”
“You didn’t know if…?”
Why is she saying sorry about that?
“…I didn’t know if you wanted something I couldn’t give you.”
Uh.
“No, no. It, uh – it’s fine.”
What?
Really?
That’s all you say?
“…Well um… Uh- under different circumstances it would be… Different?”
“Different circumstances…?”
I probably just asked a bad question.
“…You remember that question you asked me?”
I kinda groan and run a hand down my face. “How could I forget?” I ask without thinking. But I said it quietly, sort of.
“…Well. If the answer I told you wasn’t true… Uh…”
“Go on…”
“…Uh… Well. I would’ve fu-… Fudge. I would’ve fudged you silly.”
“Oh.”
Well then.
Stupid circumstances.
Shut up, Gary.
No.
Bad.
Aw, damn.
Stupid circumstances.
I’m gonna stop now.
Because I’m being an ass.
An insensitive ass.
“Yeah… Well…” She takes a breath. “Sorry. That wasn’t meant to be said aloud.”
“What? No. Don’t be sorry.”
“Yeah, well. It’s mostly sorry for myself. I’m sure I missed out on quite the theoretical night.”
I clear my throat. “Um…”
“Huh. Might’ve been fun.”
Aw, God.
“Uh – “
Well she recovers quickly.
“Oh. Oh-sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be out loud either.”
I kinda chuckle. “It’s all good.”
Now.
Find something new to talk about.
Uh.
I look out my window for inspiration.
Some trees… A few buildings… The observatory…. The neighborhood swimming pool.
“Do you like swimming?” I ask suddenly.
“…Sure…?”
“Uh. Um – Do you want to go swimming?”
Okay.
Cool.
Swimming is fun.
“Uh. Sure? When?”
Remember, Riku – Impulsive.
Impulsive is sexy.
What?
“Is tonight too soon?”
“No no! Tonight’s good!”
“Awesome. Then… uh… Around seven-thirty-ish? I’d offer to pick you up, but the pool’s in my neighborhood, so…”
“I enjoy how you think that’s relevant. But I’m cool with driving.”
Aw, crap.
Maybe I should’ve offered to pick her up.
“Uh… Okay. I could pick you up, if you wanted…”
God, Riku.
You’re an idiot.
“No. I’m alright. I like driving my Barbie car.”
I chortle.
I like that word.
It’s a fun word.
What?
Okay.
“Then I’ll see you around seven-thirty-ish.”
“Can I just drive to your place?”
“Yeah, that’d be cool.”
“Great. I’ll be seeing you.”
“…Yup. See you later.”
We suck at goodbyes, even on the phone.
“Mmmkay… Uh- Hey Riku?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you called.”
I smile, even though she can’t see me.
“Yeah, I am, too.”
“Bye, Riku.”
“Bye, Shay.”
But I don’t hang up.
Because I hate hanging up.
What if she forgot to tell me something, but I had already hung up?
I don’t just do that when I’m not the phone with Shayla, either.
I do it when I’m on the phone with everyone.
So I just wait for her to hang up.
But she doesn’t.
“…Hello?”
“Hi,” I say.
“Should we hang up now?”
“Yeah… We should.”
“…You first.”
“No, you. I can’t hang up first.”
It’s almost physically impossible for me to hang up first.
She laughs. “You’re cute. Okay. Bye.”
I don’t hear a click.
“Bye-bye.”
…
Still no click.
“…Where’s the end button on this thing?”
“You… can’t find the end button?”
“Well I got a new phone. And it’s retarded.- Oops. That’s speaker.”
I just laugh a little.
Technology’s a bitch.
“…No! I don’t want to call my mother simultaneously!”
Aw, God.
Mother.
“…What?- Hi mom…”
“Why’d you call me?!” A shrieky voice calls.
Aw, God.
Mother.
“Uh…”
“Who’s on the other line?! Is someone intercepting your phone calls! You need to call the police!”
“Mom! Mom no- no. I… Uh… Well. My friend-boy. Boyfriend is on the other line. And he should be going now…”
“Oh! Boyfriend! How wonderful! What’s your name, deary?!”
“Uh. Riku?”
“That’s a weird name!”
“Mom. Really?”
“I get that a lot…”
“I like his name!” Shayla shouts at her mom. “…I like your name,” she says to me.
I kinda laugh. “Thanks.”
“Are you being safe?!” the woman squawks.
“Mom! Sweet baby Jesus! For once in your life, get your nose out of where it doesn’t belong!”
“Uh… Should I hang up now?”
“It was just a question! Sweetheart, do you know how to put on a raincoat?”
Was that question directed at me?
“Mom. Mom!- Woman!”
“Uh. Yeah?” I say uncertainly, answering her mother’s question.
“You do?” Shayla asks.
“Well you should know that already if you were being safe! You aren’t being safe!”
“Yeah, I do,” I say hesitantly to Shayla.
“Good! I don’t want any grandchildren!”
“Mother!”
Grandchildren?
“Um…”
“Maureen! I’m starvin’ in here!” A distant voice calls.
“Comin’ Frank!”
And then her mother hangs up without saying ‘goodbye’.
“Bye mom…”
“Well that was embarrassing,” I say without thinking.
“No kidding… Well. You just met my mother.”
“She’s… Different.”
Not a thing like Shayla.
“Yes. Yes she is. I don’t think I ever want you to meet her in person.”
“Why? She seems nice.” I’m saying this a little jokingly.
Because honestly she kind of scares me.
Shayla snorts. “Oh yeah. I really don’t think so. You won’t meet her unless you go to my funeral.”
“Let’s not talk about funerals.”
Because funerals are sad.
And I don’t ever want to go to Shayla’s funeral.
“Okay. But anyways. That was interesting. I learned something. So did you.”
“What’d you learn?” I ask.
Because I don’t recall her learning anything.
“…Well I had no idea you knew how to put on a condom. I figured you’d need past experience or something.”
Oh…
“Well. Nope. No past experience needed.”
…
Awkward…
“What? Is it like teaching a girl how to put in a tampon?”
“Uh – sure?”
Even though I don’t know how to teach a girl how to put a tampon in.
“Never mind. Bad example. They’re completely different things.”
“Yeah… Well. Since you don’t know where the end button is, maybe I should hang up first?”
Even though I may go through extreme physical pain to do so.
“No need. I found the red button.-… I just hope I don’t launch some missiles or something when I push it.”
I laugh. “Okay. I’ll see you later then. …Bye.”
“Catch you on the flip side.”
And she hangs up.
Well.
That was a very interesting phone conversation.