Love Among the Pizza Boxes

“Hey, I brought cookies.”
I hold the tub of break-up cookies in my hands.
“Awesome,” Riku looks at the cookies a moment, then looks at me. “Cookies are cool. Come on in.”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
So I walk in.
“Hi Ginny!” I kneel down to the little puppy dog. “Hello.” And then I pet her, and then stand back up again because I feel kinda stupid.
Virginity wags her tail and pants joyfully.
Riku closes the front door.
I turn to him.
“I brought my bathing suit.”
No. Really?
Riku kind of chuckles. “That’s a good thing, considering we’ll be swimming.”
“Right-o you are.”
I point my finger gun at him.
…
That sounds really odd.
Like I have guns on my fingertips.
I imagine myself robbing a bank with my finger guns.
It makes me laugh.
I did that out loud.
Which is just so cool.
So I pretend I’m interested in the cookies and I stare at them.
“…What should I do with these?”
I point to the tub of cookies.
“Oh. Uh.” Riku takes the tub of cookies from me and sets them on the kitchen counter. “There we go.”
I just kinda smile and stand around.
Doo doo doo.
I start to actually twiddle my thumbs and bob my head to the song in my head.
“So, uh. Do you want to sit down…?” Riku kinda gestures to the couch.
“Uh- yeah.”
I go sit down and pat the seat next to me.
He joins me on the couch. “So, uh…” he says again.
“What’s new?”
“Oh, not much. I learned the doorman’s name. I also learned that I work with his daughter.”
“That’s cool. What’s his name?”
Ugh. Doorman.
He’s a nasty man.
Riku clears his throat. “Uh, Gary.”
“Like the snail from Spongebob?”
I love that snail.
“Yup, like the snail off of Spongebob.” He nods a couple times. “How about you? What’s new with you?”
Uh…
Oh yeah.
“I had a funny dream last night.”
“Uh-huh?” he prompts.
“Well… There were some floating panda bears that were licking ice cream cones. And then a panda with sunglasses and a Mohawk swam over to me and started singing. And then he shoved his ice cream cone in my face. –It was strawberry cheesecake ice cream… Um… And then… I was on the moon. And the moon was made of ice cream. And I was swimming in it. And then I got cold so I woke up. And then I ate some ice cream.”
Riku laughs. “Well. That’s very interesting. What was the Mohawk-ed one singing?”
“I Feel Like a Woman…. Hm… As I recall, I do believe his name was Ronaldo.”
“Sounds like a party,” Riku snorts in amusement.
“Yep. A panda party. But that was one of the better dreams I’ve had. All the other ones are just kinda scary.”
“Do tell.”
“Well. One time a dummy from one of those R.L. Stein books was chasing me around my grandparent’s house with a machete.”
“Oh. How pleasant. I once had a dream like that. Except instead of a dummy, it was a giant pizza box with arms and legs.”
I hold back laughter for a while. But then I laugh. “…Wow. That’s nice… Oh- I had another dream when I was being chased through Times Square by three Chinese men with Fu Manchu’s and they had butcher knives in their hands.”
“Uh… Um. Well. That is quite the imagination you’ve got there.”
“Oh but it gets worse. One time I had a dream about a summer romance.”
Riku nods. “Interesting.”
“Yeah. And one time I had a dream about the Grim Reaper collecting a woman’s soul in a ravine. And it was just standing over her in a black cloak and I don’t really get the point. And then one time I had a dream about being eaten by a hippo- except it was really my childhood dog that looked like a purple hippo. It really freaked me out because I was gonna pet in because it was my dog and then it went nuts.”
“Uh-huh… That’s uh…. Very interesting.” He blinks. “I had a dream that I was at the pool and a tumbleweed rolled by. And then Joe was sweeping up imaginary dirt with a broom. And he said ‘Hello, Riku.’ So I said ‘hi’ back. And then all the pineapples I’ve ever owned were in lawn chairs next to me. The weirdest parts about the pineapples were that Georgifred was reading Playboy and Fred had a paper bag over his head. And, uh… Then Joe called me Steven. And Fred barked like Virginity. Then the dream faded.”
He nods and takes a deep breath through his nose.
“Yeah… That’s… Yeah.”
Alright.
Pineapples.
Revenge of the pineapples.
“…Have you ever sleep walked?” I ask him.
“Uh… Once. When I was younger. I walked into my parents’ room. They didn’t know I was sleep-walking. So they tried to send me back to bed. But I had apparently asked them for the ice cream truck. Then I asked them for the Queen. Like, Queen Elizabeth in England. They tried to get me to go back into my own room. But I went into the master bathroom and went through my mothers’ drawer and found a pair of tweezers. I set them on top of my head and smiled at my parents and said, ‘Okay, Tim’. And then my mom took the tweezers away and I woke up crying.”
I just look at him. Smiling.
“…Nice.”
“Uh – yeah. It was a weird experience.”
“I bet. I sleep walk. I do it all the time. One time I woke up sitting in my dresser drawer. Once I was in the bushes in the neighbor’s back yard. Another time I was with Zermine and I was Indiana Jones. And so I was swinging around the power cable for a lamp and then I hit the ceiling fan with it and then I fell down. And one time when I was really little, I sat on my dog. And then I pretended he was a toilet.”
Riku’s laughing pretty hard.
“…And then one time I woke up on my coffee table with a cigar in my mouth. To this day, I do not know where that cigar came from.”
Riku nods and blinks for a long time and is still laughing. “That’s just…. Awesome.”
“Yes. Yes it is. My latest adventure in my sleep was that I woke up with my pillow in my hands. And I was using the pillow to whack the crap out of my mailbox.”
“Is that a… genetic thing? The sleep-walking, I mean.” He’s still laughing.
“Yeah… Well. My dad. He sleep walks. And when he sleep walks, he usually takes a leak where he’s not supposed to. Like in laundry baskets. And in the refrigerator a couple of times. – Imagine my surprise when I went to go get some milk for my cereal and discovered that Daddy had an accident in the fridge… And one time when I was…Sixteen?... Um… My dad was peeing into a fan. And the fan was on and pointed towards my parents’ bed. So my mom woke up sputtering because she was being sprayed with pee. And then she grabbed his-“ I whistle. “And she yanked it away from the fan.”
“Um.” He snorts. “That sounds…. Different?”
I chuckle. “True story.”
“Oh yeah – that reminds me. One time, my mom had a glass of wine. And my dad was drunk. Because some of his buddies were over and all they do is drink and attempt to play cards. So anyways. My mom was talking with one of his not-so-drunk buddies and my dad walked over and unzipped his pants and took a piss in my mother’s wine. She was really upset with him. Because it was very expensive wine.”
He blinks and nods.
I nod too and pretend like I don’t think it’s funny.
“Well then.”
That’s all I can think of saying. I just said it for the sake of saying something.
“Mhmm.”
“…Wanna watch infomercials?”
Great, Shayla.
…
“Uh… Sure. We’ll watch infomercials.” So he fishes around in between the couch cushions for the remote. And he finds it. So he turns the TV on.
Cool. ProACTIV.
You suck.
I give the TV a thumbs down. “Boo…”
“What’s wrong with proACTIV?” Riku asks, his eyebrows raised.
“It doesn’t work. It burned my face off.”
“Oh. Well. Your face has grown back since then, I see.”
I nod. “Indeed it has.- With the help of Neutrogena.”
Riku nods too. “Cool. I watched an infomercial for the Neutrogena Wave one time.”
Cool?
I just nod.
Awesome.
So then I stare at the TV and my eyes kinda glaze over.
…Dur…
Television…
Riku yawns.
I yawn too.
Virginity, who’s sitting really close to the TV, yawns, too.
Goodnight, Virginity.
Goodnight, Riku.
Goodnight, people on the TV I don’t know.
…
I have a dream about ice cream in a big pool.
And Riku’s swimming in the pool.
And then he gets out.
And then he smiles at me.
And then I think about licking him.
So I do, because it’s my dream and I can do whatever the hell I want.
He tastes like paopu ice cream.
And then I wake up on the floor with my tongue hanging out of my mouth.
I start to look around the room after putting my tongue back in my mouth.
It’s dark outside.
What time is it?
Did Riku fall asleep?
I look up at the couch.
He’s asleep.
I poke him.
“Riku…!” I hiss.
He jumps a little and falls off the couch.
He ends up falling on me.
He’s a heavy child.
“…Get your butt off me!”
He’s sitting on my ribcage so I can’t breathe too well.
He stands up, but loses his balance and lands on me again. Except he’s not sitting on me.
Oh my.
Well.
I’m not gonna lie.
I’m digging this.
“…He-ey.”
“Uh. Hi.”
Well.
Well then.
My boobs hurt. He’s kind of crushing them.
Poor, girls.
“…You should probably get off me now.”
Riku clears his throat and scrambles off me. “Sorry…”
“Don’t be.” And I stand up too. “So. You wanna go to the pool?”
“Yup.” He nods. “Let’s go.”
My swim suit’s under my clothes so I just drop my drawers and take off my shirt and I give Riku a thumbs up.
Riku scratches the back of his neck and looks at the ground.
I roll my eyes. It’s just skin.
“Come on.” I grab his hand.
He lets go of my hand for a brief moment to take his shirt off. Then he takes my hand again.
Oh lordy be.
Just skin.
Yeah right.
I clear my throat. “To the hallway!”
And I pull Riku into the hallway. “Ready for the mad dash?”
“Mad… Dash…?”
“Let me rephrase. Let’s run to the elevator. On three. One… Two…”
And then I let go of his hand and start running.
He ends up beating me to the elevator.
Poo.
I push the button for the elevator first though.
Ha.
So the doors open and we get into the elevator.
I tap my foot to the elevator music and watch Riku hit the button.
The elevator begins to near the lobby.
Riku grins at the door to the elevator then in a very loud voice says, “Oh baby, I like the way you do that.”
Oh my God.
…
So…
We’re playing this game again.
Well.
Two can tango.
“Oh yeah? How about this?” And then I grunt.
Hehe…
He makes a loud moaning sound. “Aw, yeah…”
“Oh!”
“Oh!”
And we trade off saying ‘oh’ until the elevator reaches the lobby.
Riku reaches over and messes up my hair.
I do the same to him.
Then he holds my hand and we walk out of the elevator.
Gary blinks at us as we walk out. His mouth is gaping. “Uh…”
“Hey, Gary,” Riku says to him with a casual wave as we walk past and then we leave the building.
“Well that was fun,” I say. “…So where’s the pool?”
Riku points straight ahead. “Thataway.”
“Yee haw,” I say.
I think cow boy sayings are quite fun.
So we get to the pool and Riku pulls a key card out of his pocket.
The gate makes a beeping noise and Riku opens it. “After you,” he says.
“Thanks.” I walk through the gate and check out the pool. There’s one big light by the gate and in the pool there are a few.
Riku sets the key card on a little table and stands over by the deep end of the pool and looks down into it.
“It looks cold.”
“Let’s jump in.”
Screw the cold.
I shall conquer it!
Riku laughs. “Okay.”
I walk over to the deep end and stand beside Riku.
“Kay. On three.”
“Alrighty.”
“One…”
I am so not jumping.
“Two…”
I push Riku in.
I’m so mature.
He resurfaces a second later. He coughs and wipes his face off with one hand.
Then he looks up at me and narrows his eyes.
And he swims over to the edge where I’m standing.
And he grabs my left foot.
I knew this was coming.
So I sit down and stick out my tongue. “You lose.”
Then he pulls me into the pool.
I lose.
…
It’s kind of cold down here.
I swim back up to the surface.
And I look for Riku.
Revenge.
Revenge will be mine.
He’s treading water behind me. He sticks out his tongue. “You lose.”
I glare at him and blow bubbles in the water. “…No. I refuse. It was all part of my plan.”
I don’t have a plan.
I just like saying that I have one so I seem mysterious.
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.” I flip my wet hair out of my face. “Come here.”
“Okay…?” So Riku swims closer.
I don’t really know where this is going. So I beckon him closer with my finger.
So he swims even closer, his eyebrow furrowed.
“Closer…”
I really don’t know where this is going.
He does as he’s told.
I smile at him. “Thanks.” And then I grab his head and dunk him under.
Oh. So that’s where that was going.
I feel something tugging at my ankle.
It pulls me under.
Well.
I didn’t see that coming.
But let’s just say it’s all part of the ‘plan’.