Love Among the Pizza Boxes

Oh no…
Oh God, no.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh Lord, forgive her for she has sinned.
Why does she always do this?
Oh my God.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Have a little dignity and do it somewhere- anywhere else besides a public bathroom at a family establishment for God’s sake!
Oh.
Life.
Life, life, life, life.
I concentrate on my menu.
Well, at least Riku’s here.
At least it’s not just me, Zermine and her newest ‘fudge buddy’.
I think I’ll just have a salad.
I lost my appetite when they went to the bathroom.
And then that waitress really did me in.
Maybe I’ll fake the stomach flu and just go home with Riku and leave Zermine and Wakka to take all the time in the world banging each other’s brains out on the automatic flusher.
“…What are you having?” I ask Riku because I just can’t stand thinking about that toilet flushing over and over and over-
“I don’t really know, actually.” Riku shrugs casually. “You?”
“Salad.”
He nods. “Cool.”
Yep.
That’s me.
I’m cool.
I’m cool ‘cause I eat my greens.
Just like Popeye.
I’ve killer guns because of spinach.
Oh, yeah.
…
Really Shay?
Really?
I nod.
I’m going to have a Caesar salad.
Because I’m cool and I eat vegetables.
And then I bob my head to the music and look at the napkin holder like it holds the secrets of the universe.
Which it does.
Meaning of the universe: Napkins.
I chuckle a little and focus on the Tabasco bottle. Because that holds the answers to the universe as well.
Meaning of the universe #2: Tabasco is for people with strong bowels.
Then I look at the generic salt shaker.
My grandma has one of those.
The salt shaker also wields another ever-precious meaning of the universe.
Meaning of the universe #3: Salt was secretly made to sizzle up snails like a baked potato chip.
So then I continue looking at the condiments of the universe and come up with a list of meanings.
Meaning of the universe #4: Pepper was created by a man named yepper- who ultimately created the term ‘yuppie’.
Meaning of the universe #5: Sweet ‘n Low tastes exactly the same as Splenda.
Why don’t they call it, ‘I Can’t Believe it’s not Splenda’?
Meaning of the universe #6: The little packages of creamer taste better by themselves.
Screw coffee- I drink creamer.
Meaning of the universe #7: The tomatoes in the burgers often feel something similar to cannibalism when placed next to French fries with ketchup.
Meaning of the universe #8: Mustard should be pronounced mustarde (Like must-tard-day) so that everyone may feel cool and foreign when they say it.
Mustarde kind of sounds like ‘Must turd today’.
And those are all the condiments on the table.
So then this is when I realize that these are not meanings of the universe, but rather self-evident truths.
And they all work except for ‘Napkins’. ‘Napkins’ isn’t a self-evident truth.
So I add some more to it.
Self-Evident Truth #1: Napkins were not made to wipe your kids’ ass in the bathroom when you run out of Handiwipes.
So then I’m happy with my list of self-evident truths.
But I really like lists having ten things because lists are usually ten numbers long.
So I lengthen it.
Self-Evident Truth #9: Why the hell is there no relish at the table?
Poor, relish.
It’s being left out.
And then the most self-evident truth of all.
Self-Evident Truth #10: Shayla is cool.
Because she eats veggies and has killer biceps like Popeye.
It’s so incredibly self-evident I could cry at the evidentsyness.
I smile to myself, proud of my list.
Then I look at Riku.
I wonder if he’s ready to order yet.
Because self-evident truths make me hungry.
“You ready to order?”
Riku blinks. “Sure.”
But he doesn’t sound too excited.
I don’t think he wants the waitress to come back.
“Aw come on, perk up,” I tell him because I’m in a good mood because of my distracting self-evident truths of the universe.
Riku kinda grimaces in the direction of the bathrooms and shrugs.
“Forget about them. And while we do that, we might as well be having as much fun as them.”
I nod.
Riku nods and then he smiles.
I smile back. “But we won’t be having fun in the bathroom.”
He laughs. “Right.”
Maybe I should tell him about the evident-truths.
It might make him smile.
Then again- it might make him want to crawl into a hole and die even more too.
So I decide against it.
“So. I guess the magic word is ‘hungry’ right?”
“I heard the word ‘hungry’ again!”
And there’s the waitress.
She sucks a lot of the previous happiness out of me.
Bummer.
I nod at her.
“So, what’ll it be, love-birdies?”
What the fu…?
“Well. I’ll have the Caesar salad please.”
‘Caesar’ is such a cool word.
I used to think it was spelled ‘ceasar’ because that’s the way it sounds.
But it’s not because it’s Greek and the ‘a’ comes first so it’s like say-ee-sar.
The waitress scribbles something on the notepad in her hand. Then she trains her wide-eyed gaze on Riku.
“Uh. A cheeseburger is fine.”
The waitress scrawls some more stuff of the notepad and she nods really fast. “Alrighty tighty. I’ll be back with your food in a jiffy.”
Hippity-hop down the bunny trail.
“Love… birdies…?” Riku mumbles, his brows furrowed as he stares at the air where the waitress used to be standing.
“But of course.” And then I whistle my best bird impression which I am sad to say is quite… sad.
Riku sort of scrunches up his nose and laughs a little.
I smile and lean my elbows up on the table. “So.”
He nods, smiling. “So.”
I don’t know what to say.
Which isn’t good because now that is making me nervous because conversation is good and it seems that everyone around us is talking and laughing and joking and having a fun time.
…But then again.
They don’t have friends that just met and are making babies is the ladies’ room and those people around us aren’t us.
But I still decide to say something.
“Know any good jokes?”
Yeah.
That’s great.
“Um… Nope.” Riku shakes his head and shrugs simultaneously.
“Well. Know any bad jokes then?”
I’m full of those.
Riku sits up a little. “A guy walks into a bar and says ‘ouch’.”
Oh.
Ahahahaha.
“Hm. Cute. Ahahaha.”
I believe everyone knows that joke.
…
“How about you? You know any?”
You better believe it.
“Well. Maybe one.” I tap my chin and then I hold up my thumb and my pointer finger. “What did the thumb say to the finger?”
Riku’s eyebrows raise. He shrugs. “I dunno, what?”
“I’m in glove with you.” I squish the two fingers together and smile.
Riku kind of chuckles. “Nice one.”
And then I remember a dream I had last night.
I completely forgot it until now.
“I had a dream last night,” I tell him.
“Really now?” His eyebrows raise again. “Care to share?”
Rhymey rhyme rhyme. “Well… I was a bird. A sparrow to be more specific. And I was on a skateboard in the Nascar stadium with Tony Hawk flying on his skateboard beside me… He was a bird too. He was a crow. With a helmet and knee pads. Anyways. So then Popeye comes out in front of our skateboards and he shoots Tony Hawk with his spinach gun and it kills him. And I was like, ‘Nuuu! Tony!’ and then Popeye shot me too… And so then I was in the infirmary and there was a hotdog in a Nurse’s outfit. And she told me that I was going to be a real bird. And I was like, ‘No I’m not’ and then my beak started growing. Like Pinocchio? And so then she started calling me a zombie which is weird and then Zermine woke me up.” I explain this fairly quickly because I do that sometimes.
“Mhmm… Well. That is very interesting.” Riku nods a couple of times and sort of smiles. “I had a dream, too.”
“Ah so?”
“I was making a pizza. And the pepperoni started talking to me. It was talking to me about its heated evening with the Italian sausage the night before. Then I put the pizza in the oven and I heard the pepperoni screaming in agony because they were dying. I felt bad. But my boss wouldn’t let me take the pizza out... So I left Pizza Hut and I went out in the back and I found a couple of smokers. They offered me a smoke and when I turned them down, they pushed me off the sidewalk… And that sent me straight into my dad’s house. He was sitting and drinking a beer and he threw an open one at my head and forced me to drink it. So, drenched in alcohol, I drank the remains of the beer… It tasted like spray cheese. Then you came in the room from the ceiling and you told me the cookies were done. Then I woke up.” He explained this all pretty slowly. He nods and sits back in the booth and takes a deep breath. “And, yeah.”
I chuckle a bit. I like cookies.
I often make entrances through the ceiling.
That’s how you do it with style.
“That’s a… Yeah. That’s a dream all right.”
So smart.
So fricken smart.
Riku laughs. “Yeah, it sure was… special.”
I nod.
Now that this topic has been thoroughly wrung out, now what?
“…I wonder when they’ll be coming back?”
…
IF they come back.
I shiver at the thought.
“Lord knows when they’ll be coming back,” Riku mumbles, and looks in the direction of the bathrooms again.
Then a woman and her son come out of that area. The woman is both PO’d and grossed out at the same time. Her little boy is just giggling.
I cough out a slightly amused noise.
“God…” Riku runs a hand down his face. “That just isn’t right.”
No. No it isn’t.
…
Think of the horrors my sundress is going through right now.
…
It’ll have to be dry-cleaned I guess.
“Today did not… Really work out the way I planned.”
Riku shrugs. “Oh, well. At least they’re…” he clears his throat, “…happy.”
“…Oh yeah. Bet they’re havin’ a ball.”
A real ball.
Ugh.
“Well hi again, love birdies!”
Oh no…
Not again.
Not the spunk.
Spare us of the spunk.
I blink at her and nod.
Riku half-waves.
The waitress scrunches up her nose and rattles her head. “Oh, you two are so cute.” She sets our food down in front of us and looks at the other side of the booth. She points to the air where Wakka and Zermine should be sitting. “Where’d the other two go?”
I open my mouth slightly. “Uh… Bathroom.”
“Oh.” She giggles and shrugs. “Oh well. I’ll come back to get their orders later then.” More giggling. Then she skips off.
“God… She’s… Awesome,” Riku mumbles sarcastically, looking up from his food.
Oh yeah.
“Definitely. But we better leave a big tip or she’ll find out where we li-ive.”
“Wouldn’t want that…” Riku says.
Nopers.
So then I get to work on my salad.
While eating I keep throwing looks over my shoulder just in case Zermine and Wakka might come back soon.
So- once I actually do see them.
Zermine’s all ruffled and smoldering from…Ew.
And Wakka’s just wandering around beside her.
“Here we go,” I mutter to Riku.
Riku looks up and over his shoulder to see them, too. “Joy to the world.”
“The unholy ones have come.” They pull up to the booth, Zermine cradling Wakka’s ass with one of her huge Amazon hands that could suffice as a pretty effective fly swatter.
“Hey,” Zermine says.
“Uh huh,” I say back, raising my eyebrows at my salad.
Riku looks at Wakka, rolling his tongue along the inside of his cheek.
Wakka waggles his eyebrows at him and laughs his Jamaican laugh.
It makes me just about barf up the salad I had just eaten back into the bowl.
Riku shakes his head and fixes the arrangement of the fries on his plate.
So then Wakka crawls back into the booth and Zermine stares right at me. “Ladies’ room,” She hums.
Ugh.
I droop down into the booth.
“Whatever,” I say and I look expectantly at Riku.
Riku nods and slides out of the booth.
I scoot out after him. “Thanks,” I mumble and follow Zermine into the deserted ladies’ room.
“What?” I ask her once the door’s closed.
Zermine just smiles. “I like him.”
“No, really?”
“Yup.” She flicks the hair out of her face and leans against the sinks.
“Okay. You’re cool. Why am I in here?”
Why am I here?
I don’t want to see the ‘glitter’ on the floor.
So I inspect my sundress.
God, it’s all over.
Then Zermine speaks up again. “…You should’ve seen it.”
“Seen what?”
Don’t say it, Zermine.
Don’t.
Say the graffiti on the stalls or the picture of Wakka’s grandma in his wallet or that poster I used to have in my room with the kitty on the tree branch that says, ‘Hang on, baby’ or-
“His wanker. It was like this big.” Then she starts demonstrating with her hands of the largeness of Wakka’s manhood which I am by no means interested in.
I actually do barf up Caesar salad in my mouth.
A baby barf.
I do not want to know.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
I am only interested in one man’s penis and I don’t want to know about any other one.
I cut Zermine off as she continues to carry on about ‘largeness’ and how happy Wakka was to see up my dress that she has on.
So I swallow my regurgitated salad. “…Just bring it to the dry-cleaners.”
And then I leave the bathroom.