Love Among the Pizza Boxes

So I’m laying on my couch.
But not in the conventional way.
I’m strewn over the back of the couch with my hair collecting dust bunnies.
Listening to ‘Hurt So Good’ by John Cougar Mellencamp. Rockin’ out on by back and about to pass out because I swear all the blood that’s supposed to be in my legs is in my head.
“-C’mon baby make it hurt so good! Sometimes love don’t feel like it should… You make it hurt so good. Ow ow!”
And this is the point in time where I flip off the back of the couch and land on my gluteus maximus which apparently isn’t as ‘maximum’ as it should be because holy hell that hurt.
Insert unladylike utterances here.
One time I said one of those unladylike things in front of Gram. She said that Jesus was turning over in his grave.
Hurt so goo-ood…
“Shut up, Cougar. This does not hurt so good,” I mutter to my stereo while gingerly rubbing my dejected rump.
And then I shut off the stereo just to spite Camp of the Mellen.
“Now what?” I ask Hector the iguana, but he just stares emptily back with his beady, black eyes.
I half-smile at Hector and sit back down on the couch and put the fuzzy little iguana in my lap.
Sigh.
“I miss him, Hector. Isn’t that funny?”
Hector doesn’t respond.
I need more friends.
I’ve got Zermine.
I’ve got Riku- But he’s not really a friend. I mean he is—But he’s…
I’ve got Hector.
I’ve got the guys at the coffee shop…?
Maybe?
I think they think I’m a whore since the condom spill.
But then again, they’re promiscuous gay men. Who are they to judge?
…
No.
…
That’s rude.
Jesus is turning over in his grave.
…
Bump.
What was that?
Bump.
“Hello?”
Oh great, Shayla. Just say a casual greeting to a burglar and maybe while you’re at it ask him in for tea.
Bump.
Creak.
Ah!
Look around the room.
Cow, iguana, postcard from Tijuana.
Hehe that rhymes-
Lamp!
I grab the nearest lamp and tear the cord from the outlet. Make like a baseball bat. Hm. This feels familiar.
I start to creep towards my bedroom where the sound is coming from. “Come out, come out wherever you are…”
I push open the door.

Nothing.
The window’s open.
I step inside and look from side to si-