Casualties

Kennedy lay in her bed, with the lights off but unable to sleep. She finally made it up to her room after laying on the floor in her living room for about an hour, and she’d been in her room every since. She was curled up under her covers with her knees to her chest. Her pillows all had tear stains and snot puddles because she just didn’t care that snot was dripping down her face while she was crying.
She was just apathetic now – she got her wish and she didn’t feel anything at all because she’d spent at least 4 hours nonstop crying so after that there wasn’t a whole lot more to feel. She replayed the whole event in her head over and over again and tried to think about how she could have done it differently. She could have said yes. That’s the only thing that popped into her head and she so badly wanted to say yes. To be with Alex. He had been right, she loved him and she knew that he loved her, too, he’d just been more forthcoming about being honest with himself than she was. But how do you admit something like that to yourself when you’ve always been so adamantly against falling in love and giving your entire self to people? Why would you want to admit that you were so weak? Weak enough to let yourself fall into the only place where if you get hurt it’s only your fault because you fell in the first place – no one tripped you or tricked you, you made the conscious decision to fall.
She didn’t know what time it was and she didn’t even know if she was going to go to school the next day. She didn’t think that she could handle seeing him at school all day and if she didn’t have to pick him up anyway she was sure that Jack could catch a ride with whoever Alex was.
Her phone rang and she considered ignoring it except for the fact that it felt like it just wouldn’t shut up so she grabbed it and opened it without looking at who she was talking to. “Hello?” she asked, her voice raspy from crying so much.
“Is this… Kennedy?” asked a voice that she recognized. Don.
“Yes, it is. Who’s this?” she asked, even though she was already sure she knew who it was she was just unsure of what he wanted.
“This is Don, I told you I’d be calling you,” he told her like it should be obvious who it was.
“Sorry, I’ve kind of been distracted,” she told him in a bitchy tone but then tried to reel it back by remembering that it wasn’t his fault and she didn’t have to take it out on him.
“Have I called you at a bad time?” he asked, obviously picking up on her hostility.
“No, not at all. Now, how can I help you?” she asked. She just wanted to get off the phone. She didn’t even care who the hell this Don guy was to begin with.
“I really need to talk to you… about some stuff,” he said slowly.
“Yes, I know. You told me that over your voicemails, but if you need to tell me something then just spit it out because I’m sick of all this cryptic shit,” she almost yelled at him.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, I should just tell you why I’m calling,” he told her and she could guess that he was nodding to himself right then.
“Yes, you should,” she agreed and for once her mind was not on Alex Gaskarth.
“Kennedy, I’m your father,” he told her and she couldn’t even think. Her first, instinct, reaction was to not believe him because she didn’t know him and he’d never tried to make contact with her before now, except for the two other calls, but she didn’t really count them.
“I don’t believe you,” she said and she was just about to hang up on him.
“No, no, no! Wait. I want to get a chance to explain everything to you. Can I come by your house tomorrow so that we can have a chance to talk with each other?” he asked her, and she could tell that he was super close to begging her.
“Fine, we can talk, but I’d rather go to a coffee shop instead of meeting at my house. Sorry, I’m sure you’re a nice guy, I’ve just seen too many horror movies,” she told him and he laughed.
“I understand. I’ll meet you at Java Hut on 3rd around 1 in the afternoon tomorrow, okay?” he asked her.
“Sounds good, I guess,” she told him, but he’d already hung up. She set her phone down on her nightstand and laid her head back down in bed.
She wondered who Don was, what he wanted and what he wanted to talk to her about. She also wondered if he knew where she lived since it had been the first place he offered to go, but she dismissed that thought at her just being overly paranoid.
Her mind wandered back over to Alex and she couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. If he was with somebody or if he was just alone. She wondered if he was with The Skank or if he was taking his anger at her and putting it into something useful, like having sex with somebody else just despite her.
She picked up her phone and dialed Jack’s number. It went to voicemail so she hung up and tried it again. He picked up on the fourth ring, “Uh… hello?” he asked, sounding a little nervous about talking to her.
“Hey, Jack, it’s Kennedy,” she told him even though she was pretty sure that he already knew that or else he wouldn’t have avoided her first call and wouldn’t have sounded nervous about talking to her on her second call.
“Hi, Kennedy… what’s up?” he asked her after an awkward pause.
Alex told him.
“Nothing, I’m just letting you know that I’m not going to be at school tomorrow so I won’t be able to pick you up beforehand,” she told him.
Alex was there. Standing right next to Jack which is why he’d avoided her first call. She could feel it. That’s why Jack was being so awkward with her on the phone.
“That’s fine, I’ll catch a ride with Miranda and Alex,” he said quickly and she could feel that he mentally slapped himself for saying that.
“You’re getting a ride with Miranda?” she asked, trying not to sound hurt.
“Well, she was already giving Alex a ride and I just figured I would take it with him,” Jack told her sounding ashamed.
“So the only reason you got rides with me, were friends with me even, was because Alex was?” she asked in a hard voice and trying all the while not to break down and cry again.
“Kennedy, you know that’s not true,” he told her, trying to make up for his assumption.
“Jack… just fuck you,” she said then hung up the phone and turned it off before putting it underneath her pillow.
She lay in bed and she couldn’t find any energy to do anything. She didn’t want to do anything.
What she really wanted was to have Alex laying right next to her, cuddling her from behind and kissing her neck while whispering all the things that they kept secret between the two of them.
She wanted that again. She wanted him again.