Casualties

She rolled over the next morning, half expecting to see Alex laying there next to her, staring at her while she slept, but when she turned she just flipped onto another pillow. The bright sun had waken her up since it was streaming through her curtains on onto her bed, floor, and pretty much everything else in the room.
She looked at where her pillow laid because that was exactly where Alex used to sleep when he spent the night, but he was gone. She grabbed for her phone on top of her night stand but it wasn’t there and then she remembered her phone conversation with Jack the night before and she reached for her phone under her pillow and turned it on.
It was about eleven o’clock in the morning and then a bunch of missed calls popped up onto her phone. She had 9 missed calls and 7 voicemails. She rolled her eyes but decided to listen to her voicemails anyway.
One: “Kennedy, I really want to talk to you about all of this. I just don’t understand everything and I’m just confused. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, but please call me back.” Jack.
Two: “Kennedy, it’s mom, I really wish you would call me and let me know you’re okay. When I talked to you last you didn’t seem like you were doing so great. Another thing, I may not be home for a few days- there should be enough food in the house for you to make it through while I’m done, but if not then there’s some extra money in the drawer in the kitchen if you need to shop for groceries. Love you.” Mom.
Three: “I know I reacted poorly, I just figured you wouldn’t even be going to school.” Jack.
Four: “Kennedy, you know that it is not fair for you to be fazing Jack out like this. He loves you and he wants to talk to you and what you’re doing, this whole pushing the people who care about you away, is really getting old. Jack wants to talk to you. Call him.” Alex.
Five: “By the way, yes, I told Jack about us. Every miniscule detail that happened, including the ice cream. Get over it; apparently it wasn’t your secret to keep.” Alex.
Six: “I know that you’re mad at Alex for telling me, for cheating on you, and whatever else he did, but he’s not here anymore and I really want to talk to you. I need to talk to you so I can understand what’s going through your head and… I just need to talk to you, Kenne. Love you.” Jack.
Seven: “I miss you. I miss you and I know that’s not fair, but I do. I miss you and I love you and I really just want to be doing nothing but hold you right now, but I can’t…. Because you won’t let me. You won’t let me be near you and all I want to do is be with you. I miss you so much, your touch, your skin, your lips, everything.” Alex.
She erased all the calls because she just couldn’t deal with it. She didn’t want to listen to Alex telling her that he missed her, but it was her fault because she already knew that. She knew that she made a mistake and she was prepared to pay the price for that. She didn’t understand how her mother could love this – falling in love. All it does is break you and make you want to die. It makes you want to never get out of bed and cry and cry until you have a headache. She didn’t understand why her mother loved falling in love when this is what she felt whenever she got her heart broken.
She missed Alex, though. Just like he supposedly missed her. She missed the same things he missed; his touch, his skin, his lips, everything. She would give anything just for him to be there with her right then and there, but she knew that she couldn’t.
She decided that it was time to get up and actually face the world like she was so unwilling to do. She got out of bed and put on her slippers and walked downstairs to an empty, quiet house and walked into her kitchen, trying to find something to eat. Her mother was a liar. There was not enough food and she would indeed be stopping by the grocery store on her way home from her meeting with Don.
She’d completely forgotten about Don until that very moment. She found it slightly amusing how she could completely forget an important meeting with somebody because she was too busy thinking about a boy.
She shut all the cabinets she opened and went into her living room. For the first time in five years, she sat down on the couch, flipped on the TV, and watched cartoons. She watched Cat and Dog, Sailor Moon, and Jackie Chan Adventures. It kept her amused until noon, but then she got off the couch and walked back up to her room.
She decided that she wasn’t going to shower today because her hair was clean enough and she would just throw it back into a cute, messy ponytail. She walked into her room and started flipping through her closet. She didn’t feel like going all out today so she just grabbed a pair of ripped up flare jeans with a black tank top and a pair of flip flops and wore that. She grabbed her oversized sunglasses and her purse then was out the door. It took her 40 minutes to drive to the café that she was set to meet Don at and she was still 10 minutes early when she got there so she ordered herself some coffee even though she didn’t need to be that more on edge.
The barista called her 16 oz. skim caramel latte and Kennedy went up and grabbed it off the table and went back to her seat.
“Excuse me, are you Kennedy?” a man who was in his late thirties tapped her on the shoulder. He had a full head of hair and looked really fit for his age.
“That would be me,” she said a little wearily.
“Hi, I’m Don,” he said with a goofy smile and stuck out his hand which she shook. He sat down in the seat across from her and clasped his hands together in front of himself and literally twiddled his thumbs. Kennedy didn’t know what to say and she didn’t think that she should have to know what to say since he was the one who wanted to meet her- to convince her that he was her father.
“So what exactly did you want to meet with me?” she asked, leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs.
“I already told you that I was your father. I wanted to explain to you why I’m not very involved in your life, but how I would like to be. I wasn’t involved in your life because when your mother, Lorelei, and I met each other I was already married but I fell so in love with your mother that I couldn’t stand to be away from her. My wife was pregnant at the time and I obviously couldn’t leave her.
Lorelei got pregnant a few years after I had my other son with my wife and at first Lorelei was planning on putting you up for adoption and I was alright with that. I thought that would be better for you because I wouldn’t be able to provide for you if she kept you. But then, when she gave birth to you, she saw you, and she changed her mind. She didn’t want to give you up and she wanted to keep you. I told her that she shouldn’t because I wouldn’t be able to support the two of you.
She told me that she would leave the name of the father on the birth certificate unknown so that I wouldn’t have to pay child support, but she wanted me to start contributing when I got a better job that paid more money, but she always wanted to make sure that I provided for my own family first.
I know it’s not a nice story, but it’s the truth. She and I ran into each other at the super market a few months ago and she started talking about and how beautiful and intelligent you were and it made me curious to meet you because, after all, you are my daughter and I wanted to get to know you. I know a lot of people who don’t know both of their parents feel that they don’t know half of themselves and who they are, but I wanted you to know that if you are one of those people then I’m here so that you can get to know your other half,” Don finished and Kennedy was full of mixed feelings.
“So, let me get this straight, you never wanted to meet me until you ran into my mother a few months ago at the super market and the most important thing to you when you found out my mom was keeping me was not supporting us and making sure your wife didn’t find out? Am I getting that straight? Oh, and let’s not forget about you cheating on your wife for at least two years with my mother. Wow. You really are a piece of work,” she told him and stood up from the table, “Well, I’ve got news for you – I’m not looking for a daddy figure in my life and it’s a little too late to try and play that role anyway. You are not my father and you will never be my father, I don’t give a damn what the tests say.” She said and grabbed her purse, her sunglasses, and her coffee and started to walk out and she turned around briefly, “Oh and I know who I am. I don’t need some middle aged prick to be able to tell me that,” she told him and then walked out of the café and got into her car and sped off.
On any other day, after any normal events had occurred she may have acted differently, but she did what she did and she was not ashamed of it in the least bit. She pulled into the nearest grocery store parking lot and got a few groceries for the next week, which is when she guessed her mother would actually be back home. She paid and all together the food cost just under 100 dollars, but it’s what she had been expecting.
She drove home in a daze. She considered going to school because just because she had a few problems with a boy didn’t make up for the fact that she still had to go to school and learn and she had projects, tests, and other things she had to do, but a boy had stopped her from doing all of those things and the last thing she wanted to see was Alex making out with The Skank and looking at her the way he had once looked at Kennedy.
She got home and she set down her groceries as her phone started ringing. She grabbed it out of her purse and looked at the caller ID. She rolled her eyes but decided to answer it anyway, “Hello?” she asked and started putting food that needed to be refrigerated away, such as eggs and milk.
“Kennedy? I’m glad you finally answered,” Jack said from the other line and he let out an audible sigh of relief.
“Yeah, well, the other times you called me my phone was off,” she told him, which was the truth, but she left off the fact that she most likely wouldn’t have answered his calls even if her phone had been on.
“Sorry I called you so many times, I just felt so horrible about what I said,” he said and trailed off.
“Well you should. Look Jack, I’m not sure what Alex told you, but I really just can’t handle any of this right now. Drama is what I’ve been attempting to stay away from my entire life – that and falling in love, but somehow I managed to get sucked into both with this whole mess with Alex, but it’s over now and done with. I think I should just take a break from my friends and focus on school and getting into college,” she said. She didn’t want to say any of it, but it was true. She knew that she couldn’t hang around Jack without thinking about Alex and that was the last thing she wanted to do so she figured it would be better to just call them all off at once so that she could just hurt at once rather than be hurt at two separate times.
“So you do love Alex then?” Jack asked in a soft voice and she knew that Alex was right there with him, listening to their conversation.
She laughed, “I love how that’s what you get out of everything I just said,” she said with bitter amusement. Apparently he hadn’t cared about her.
“Kennedy, I think you’re just overreacting right now. We’ve been friends for almost three years and I don’t think that you would dismiss me that easily. You know that I love you Kennedy and that you are one of my dearest friends, but you really need to be more realistic,” Jack told her and he was beginning to sound like an ass.
“Jack, I just want you and Alex to stay away from me for a few days, maybe a few weeks. If you really love me as much as you say you do then just do that for me,” she said the first thing that popped into her head.
He paused for a minute and for a minute Kennedy thought he had hung up on her, “You’re right. I’ll give you whatever space you need. I guess I’ll see you when I see you, Kenne,” he told her then hung up the phone.
She took a deep breath while she looked at her phone letting her know that her phone call had just been disconnected. She finished putting her groceries away and then thought about everything she just said.
Did she really believe it? Did she really think that it would be better if she, Jack, and Alex didn’t see each other and that they should just leave her alone for a while? Yes and no. Yes because she didn’t want to be reminded of Alex when she was with Jack and no because if she cut herself off from them then that would mean permanently cutting herself off from him… forever and she didn’t know if she could really do that.
As much as she hated Alex right now she still loved him and she was pretty sure that she would love him forever and she wanted to be able to know what he was doing, who he was dating, and everything else going on in his life and if the only way to find that out was through Jack then she may just have to reconsider what she told Jack a few minutes prior.
Even though she seriously considered it she knew that she wouldn’t follow through because she’d rather not know what’s going on and not have to hurt every second of every day rather than know who he was dating and have it kill her every time she heard his name.