Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a speck worthwhile

”Dad?”
”Yes?”
”Promise me you'll live forever.”
”You're old enough to know that no one can live forever.”
”Promise me you'll live as long as I live, then.”
”I can't promise you that.”
”Please.”
”Okay, I promise.”

I woke up, covered in sweat. I carefully turned around to look next to me. The beautiful woman were still sleeping beside me, and I sat up. I rubbed the sleep off my eyes and got dressed. If I didn't get my morning powerwalk, the whole day would be ruined.

Two hours later, I opened the front door. A scent of coffee and toast immediately hit me, and I closed my eyes as my stomach rumbled. I was sure that they've stopped eating breakfast. I was wrong.
“Billie? Is that you?” Adrienne. My beautiful wife. I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen.
“Hello, family!” I laughed. I kissed Adrienne and she smiled.
“You want some toast, baby?”
I almost exploded when she waved with the newly toasted bread. The scent made my stomach rumble again; Hopefully she didn't hear that.
“No thanks. I ate breakfast at Starbucks”, I smiled.
Adrienne put down the bread and looked at me before smiling. “Okay, baby. If you say so.”
I walked into the living room and turned the TV on. I should start running in the mornings instead. It would burn more fat. I just didn't know what I would say to Adrienne when I come home, sweaty and exhausted every morning. That I'm trying to get fit? No, she wouldn't buy that one. It's better if I cut down on the food even more and continue with the powerwalks. I could walk an hour longer.
I needed a plan. A foodplan. I work so much that Adrienne wouldn't notice if I get on a diet for a while.
I got up and got a piece of paper. I went to the bathroom and locked the door after me.

Breakfast: One grapefruit, coffee
Snack: Cigarettes and one piece of gum
Lunch: Cigarettes, one tomato and boiled carrots
Snack #2: Cigarettes, one apple, coffee
Dinner: Whatever Adie's making if I can't skip it...

I looked over my plan. It was perfect. When I worked, I could just tell Adrienne that I ate with Tré and Mike. And if Tré and Mike actually wants to eat, I can say that I'm going to eat when I get home. Pure perfection.

Mike's house. I was outside, smoking. It was hot and the layers of t-shirts were sweaty and sticky, but I couldn't wear just one t-shirt. Mike read me like a book. I know I'd lost weight, but I still wasn't perfect. Not yet.
Suddenly the front door opened. “I thought you quit smoking.”
“I clearly didn't”, I said.
Mike shook his head, but then he smiled. “It's your lungs. Are you going to get in here soon or what?”
I took one last drag and put out the cigarette and walked into Mike's house. “Sit down on the couch. Do you want some coffee?” I looked at the time. I already had a cup of coffee today, and it wasn't time for my other cup yet. But okay, I always could skip the other cup later. So I nodded and sat down. Mike walked into the kitchen and I looked at the photos in the living room that I'd seen a thousand times before. Mike's and Brittney's wedding photos, baby and school pictures of Estella, pictures of him, Tré and Mike himself...
“Here you go”, Mike said and gave me a cup of steaming hot coffee. “Don't burn your tongue.”
He sat down beside me and blew on his own coffee. I just held it. The heat were getting my cold hands warm – They were always cold, no matter what I did – and it felt good.
“I've been trying to call you, Billie. What have you been up to?” Mike said, trying to look me in the eyes.
“I've been busy. Family time”, I mumbled, just looking at my coffee.
“I wanted to tell you the news with Tré. But he bubbled up so hard that he figured it out on his own.”
I finally looked him in the eyes. “What news?” I could feel my voice vibrating. Here it comes, I've been busted and now they're going to get me into a mental hospital where they...
“Brittney is pregnant,” Mike said and smiled.
I blinked a few times. It took me a while before I figured out what he just said. “Oh my...Holy, that's awesome!” I said, smiling, even though my heart hurt. I was dizzy. Maybe it's something wrong with me.
I hugged Mike, taking a deep breath in his neck. When I tried to quit the hug, he held me. “I've missed you. I got worried when you didn't answer my calls”, he said.
I let out a sob. “I'm sorry. I've been busy. With the new album and the...” Another sob. Mike started to rock me back and forth. “Scch. I know. Don't cry.”
I took a few deep breaths and got out of Mike's grasp. The room was spinning and I took a sip from the coffee.
“Estella is coming over, so me and her was thinking pizza tonight. Do you want some?”
Pizza? That's two thousand calories. Just fat. Did they even know what pizza did with the body? To the body? Why don't they just shoot up heroine in their arms? Drugs! “No thank you”, I said and managed to smile. “Adie's making pasta for dinner. I love her pasta.”
Mike smiled. “I know you do.”

It wasn't until I opened the outer door and took out a cigarette that it came.
“Billie...You know that you look good as you do, right?” Mike said. He was leaning against the door, looking at me as I lit up the cigarette. I could feel myself go red, but I worked it. “I know. I'm a damn sexy man.”
I laughed, but Mike just smiled. “Just take it easy. Don't stress yourself out.” He waved and closed the door.
This was going to be harder than I thought.