Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a speck worthwhile
Chapter two.
Being a vegetarian is harder than it seems. Especially when you're so hungry that you everything looks good in the fridge, even the tube of fish roe spread.
I was home alone, and it was lunch time. I chopped the carrots and the tomato and put the carrots in the boiling water, adding some salt and lemon juice. The room was spinning, but I couldn't sit down yet. What if I passed out and hit my head in the counter, and Adrienne and the kids would find me that way? Or if I passed out and the house started burning, because of the stove? Maybe I should sit down after all.
The food didn't taste anything. Well, what did I expect of boiled carrots and some lousy tomatoes? I hoped I would reach my weight goal soon. I was longing for chocolate and french fries.
I chewed on my last carrot when the phone rang. Mike.
“Hello?”
“Hi, BJ. What are you up to?”
“I just ate”, I said, swallowing the carrot.
“Oh...I see. What's on the menu, then?” he laughed.
“Wha-....did Adrienne tell you to call me?”
“No... What, isn't she home?”
I bit my lip. “No. She and the kids are visiting her mother.”
“Do you want to take a pizza and drink some beer with me and Tré tonight, then? It's been a while since we were together.”
Pizza? Beer? What was wrong with this guy? How could he eat like that, and still have a good looking body?
Yeah, right. Exercising. My weakness. “Didn't you have pizza last night? And I just ate...”
“Yeah, but there's more kind of pizzas, and it's only afternoon. We'll eat tonight!” he laughed again. “Come on, Billie! We can eat at your place.”
Oh God, that guy was obstinate. Maybe one pizza and one beer won't hurt. Just tonight, just for them.
I sighed. “Okay. My place tonight. Pizza.”
“And beer.”
I couldn't help but laugh. “And beer.”
I hung up. Now I needed my lunch cigarette.
I knew I was ridiculous, but I couldn't stop thinking about that fucking pizza. Before Tré and Mike came, I walked around, bit my nails, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, stopped breathing when the doorbell rang. And now they were here, looking in the pizza menu.
“I don't know what I want. Maybe something with beef.”
“I've already decided. Billie, what do you want?” Mike looked at me with his phone in one hand and a pen in the other.
I bit my lip. “I don't know. Maybe a vegetarian pizza, kids size...”
“Kids size? That won't get you full!” Tré joked, pointing at a pizza on the menu and Mike wrote it down.
“He can take whatever he want. Kids size vegetarian it is.” He dialed the number and pressed the phone to his ear.
Mike walked away to talk to the pizza man in peace.
“Dude! You used to swallow a whole family pizza in five minutes. What happened?” Tré said.
“I'm trying to get a healthier lifestyle. You know, like fast food, exercising...” I started, but Tré stopped me.
“But you hate exercising!”
“...I know. That's what I'm trying to change. I need it.”
Tré eyed my body. “What, so you're on a diet now?”
“No. Well, sort of. But it's nothing too serious,” I said. I really didn't want to have this conversation.
“What does Adrienne say about that? Does she know?”
“What is this, 20 questions? She doesn't have to know. I'm fine. It's just until the tour begins.”
Tré opened his mouth to say something else, but Mike walked into the room. “The pizza will be here in ten minutes,” he said and grinned, but stopped when he saw our serious faces. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing. Right, Tré?” I said, looking Tré straight into the eyes.
We watched some TV until the pizza came. When the door rang, I almost did in my pants. Mike got up from the couch and got the pizza, and when he placed the opened pizza carton in front of me I wanted to cry. This was horrible. The pizza was small, but I could see the cheese go straight to my tights, I could see myself gain weight and become a pig. I know I was being ridiculous – again, because you don't gain weight from one stupid pizza. I looked up. Mike and Tré were already eating this horrible poison. How can it be so easy? I gulped and picked one slice up. Get a grip. It's just a fucking pizza. You've eaten it a million times before. Yeah, but that's probably the reason why I'm so fat now. I managed to take a bit. And oh God, it was good. I was so hungry and before I knew it, the pizza carton were empty.
...Oh God.
As I said before, I hate exercising. But what are you supposed to do when you choked down a fucking pizza like you had no self control? So I ran. In the middle of the night. Well, at least anyone wont see me run and see the fat jump after me. I cursed. And cursed. And of course, higher powers hated me – and the sky started crying. “Oh come on!” I screamed and ran to the nearest place with a roof.
“Hiding from the rain, huh?”
I jumped, turning around; here comes the rapist, he's going to kill me, or keep me in his basement, now he's...
The shadow took one step out from the dark and I exhaled. I never been happier to see a younger girl.
The girl was skinny, beautiful skinny, with bright red hair (obviously dyed) and I could see the beautiful bones poking out from her t-shirt.
“Don't worry. I was also burning until the rain came. You think you shouldn't care, cause you'll get wet from the sweat anyway...”
“What makes you think I was burning fat?” I mumbled.
The girl lit up a cigarette. “Can't see why you're out running in the middle of the night if you weren't.”
We stared at each other for a moment, until I managed to say something again. “Why were you burning anyway? You're not...”
“Don't say it. My parents flipped, forced me to eat a lot of crap. I'm not going to fall in to the puking shit again”, she said, taking a drag.
I raised one eyebrow. “Puking?”
“My friend. You have a lot to learn. Or maybe not.” She smiled; not friendly, not evil. “But yeah, puking. Put one, or two if you prefer, fingers down your throat. Food's out, and you're saved!” She put two hands in the air and laughed.
Jesus Christ. Where did teenagers learn all this shit today?
“Okaythankyoubye”, I said and walked away. I needed to get home, cause this girl scared the living crap outta me. When I started to run again, I heard the girl after me. “Just put on the water on full speed, and no one will hear it!”
I was home alone, and it was lunch time. I chopped the carrots and the tomato and put the carrots in the boiling water, adding some salt and lemon juice. The room was spinning, but I couldn't sit down yet. What if I passed out and hit my head in the counter, and Adrienne and the kids would find me that way? Or if I passed out and the house started burning, because of the stove? Maybe I should sit down after all.
The food didn't taste anything. Well, what did I expect of boiled carrots and some lousy tomatoes? I hoped I would reach my weight goal soon. I was longing for chocolate and french fries.
I chewed on my last carrot when the phone rang. Mike.
“Hello?”
“Hi, BJ. What are you up to?”
“I just ate”, I said, swallowing the carrot.
“Oh...I see. What's on the menu, then?” he laughed.
“Wha-....did Adrienne tell you to call me?”
“No... What, isn't she home?”
I bit my lip. “No. She and the kids are visiting her mother.”
“Do you want to take a pizza and drink some beer with me and Tré tonight, then? It's been a while since we were together.”
Pizza? Beer? What was wrong with this guy? How could he eat like that, and still have a good looking body?
Yeah, right. Exercising. My weakness. “Didn't you have pizza last night? And I just ate...”
“Yeah, but there's more kind of pizzas, and it's only afternoon. We'll eat tonight!” he laughed again. “Come on, Billie! We can eat at your place.”
Oh God, that guy was obstinate. Maybe one pizza and one beer won't hurt. Just tonight, just for them.
I sighed. “Okay. My place tonight. Pizza.”
“And beer.”
I couldn't help but laugh. “And beer.”
I hung up. Now I needed my lunch cigarette.
I knew I was ridiculous, but I couldn't stop thinking about that fucking pizza. Before Tré and Mike came, I walked around, bit my nails, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, stopped breathing when the doorbell rang. And now they were here, looking in the pizza menu.
“I don't know what I want. Maybe something with beef.”
“I've already decided. Billie, what do you want?” Mike looked at me with his phone in one hand and a pen in the other.
I bit my lip. “I don't know. Maybe a vegetarian pizza, kids size...”
“Kids size? That won't get you full!” Tré joked, pointing at a pizza on the menu and Mike wrote it down.
“He can take whatever he want. Kids size vegetarian it is.” He dialed the number and pressed the phone to his ear.
Mike walked away to talk to the pizza man in peace.
“Dude! You used to swallow a whole family pizza in five minutes. What happened?” Tré said.
“I'm trying to get a healthier lifestyle. You know, like fast food, exercising...” I started, but Tré stopped me.
“But you hate exercising!”
“...I know. That's what I'm trying to change. I need it.”
Tré eyed my body. “What, so you're on a diet now?”
“No. Well, sort of. But it's nothing too serious,” I said. I really didn't want to have this conversation.
“What does Adrienne say about that? Does she know?”
“What is this, 20 questions? She doesn't have to know. I'm fine. It's just until the tour begins.”
Tré opened his mouth to say something else, but Mike walked into the room. “The pizza will be here in ten minutes,” he said and grinned, but stopped when he saw our serious faces. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing. Right, Tré?” I said, looking Tré straight into the eyes.
We watched some TV until the pizza came. When the door rang, I almost did in my pants. Mike got up from the couch and got the pizza, and when he placed the opened pizza carton in front of me I wanted to cry. This was horrible. The pizza was small, but I could see the cheese go straight to my tights, I could see myself gain weight and become a pig. I know I was being ridiculous – again, because you don't gain weight from one stupid pizza. I looked up. Mike and Tré were already eating this horrible poison. How can it be so easy? I gulped and picked one slice up. Get a grip. It's just a fucking pizza. You've eaten it a million times before. Yeah, but that's probably the reason why I'm so fat now. I managed to take a bit. And oh God, it was good. I was so hungry and before I knew it, the pizza carton were empty.
...Oh God.
As I said before, I hate exercising. But what are you supposed to do when you choked down a fucking pizza like you had no self control? So I ran. In the middle of the night. Well, at least anyone wont see me run and see the fat jump after me. I cursed. And cursed. And of course, higher powers hated me – and the sky started crying. “Oh come on!” I screamed and ran to the nearest place with a roof.
“Hiding from the rain, huh?”
I jumped, turning around; here comes the rapist, he's going to kill me, or keep me in his basement, now he's...
The shadow took one step out from the dark and I exhaled. I never been happier to see a younger girl.
The girl was skinny, beautiful skinny, with bright red hair (obviously dyed) and I could see the beautiful bones poking out from her t-shirt.
“Don't worry. I was also burning until the rain came. You think you shouldn't care, cause you'll get wet from the sweat anyway...”
“What makes you think I was burning fat?” I mumbled.
The girl lit up a cigarette. “Can't see why you're out running in the middle of the night if you weren't.”
We stared at each other for a moment, until I managed to say something again. “Why were you burning anyway? You're not...”
“Don't say it. My parents flipped, forced me to eat a lot of crap. I'm not going to fall in to the puking shit again”, she said, taking a drag.
I raised one eyebrow. “Puking?”
“My friend. You have a lot to learn. Or maybe not.” She smiled; not friendly, not evil. “But yeah, puking. Put one, or two if you prefer, fingers down your throat. Food's out, and you're saved!” She put two hands in the air and laughed.
Jesus Christ. Where did teenagers learn all this shit today?
“Okaythankyoubye”, I said and walked away. I needed to get home, cause this girl scared the living crap outta me. When I started to run again, I heard the girl after me. “Just put on the water on full speed, and no one will hear it!”