Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a speck worthwhile

The scent of coffee and toast woke me up the next morning. Oh sweet, sweet breakfast...
I stood up – and the hangover hit me like a kick in the balls.
Fuck.
I rubbed my head, got dressed and went to the kitchen, staring at the plate with two pieces of bread on it.
“Morning, Beej. I made you some toast.”
White bread? Why doesn't he just give you a syringe filled with fucking heroine?
“No, thank you. Just coffee will be fine”, I said while I poured myself some coffee in a polka dotted cup. I never knew what Mike liked about polka dots.
I sat down and looked down in the cup.
“Talked to Adrienne last night. She told me you promised to eat here last night.”
I looked up and met Mikes gaze. “So? It's one fucking meal. Big deal.”
I refused to look at Tré. I could hopefully fool Mike, but Tré was stubborn.
Silence. I took a sip out of my cup and didn't look up until the plate with the <i>disgusting fucking white sugar bombs</i> was placed in front of me.
“I don't like white bread.”
“It's the only one I have.”
Only white bread? Don't he know what that DOES to his body?! Oh, yeah, right – exercising.
I knew I had to eat that. I knew I had to met his gaze. So I did.
“What, do you think I have an eating disorder or anything?”
Mike froze. “What? No, no! I'm just...Beej, we're just worried about you.”
I nodded. “Don't be. It's just stress. And a terrible hangover that makes my tummy turn.”
Tré rolled his eyes and walked into the living room. I could hear him sit down on the couch and I lowered my voice.
“You're my best friend, Mike. You know I would tell you anything.”
Mike smiled and stroked my cheek. “Try to eat some toast. I don't want Adie running after me.”
He laughed. I laughed, but my laughed sounded scary. I was fucking drowning.

I stepped out from the shower. The water was still pouring down my naked body and my heart slammed in my chest.
I almost needed an extra life when I saw the scale.
This is it. Now. Now.
I stepped on the scale and closed my eyes.
I could hear the needle spin and then stopped.
I took a deep breath before I opened my eyes.
Twenty-two lbs down.
I reached my goal.
I stepped off the scale and looked at myself in the full length mirror.
My thighs were still together when I was standing at attention.
I could still pinch at the fat under my chin, and it was still noticeable in some angles.
Twenty-two lbs down.
And I'm still not satisfied.

“I think we should release Know your enemy as our first single.”
Tré shook his head. “I like 21st century breakdown.”
I wrote all suggestions down and took a drag of my cigarette. “Having 21st century breakdown as our first single would be to cliche”, I said. I was sweating under all the layers of clothes I was wearing and wanted to get this done as fast as possible.
“I like Know your enemy. It would be a good start of everything”, Mike said.
We discussed, we joked, we laughed. It felt good to laugh with my friends like there was nothing wrong.
“Hi guys! I'm home!” I couldn't help but stare at Brittney's growing stomach, and my heart couldn't help but explode when Mike lit up when he saw her and kissed her on the lips.
I liked Brittney.
But I loved Mike.
And when Mike looked into her eyes and told her how much he loved her, my whole world was smashed into pieces.
I felt the tears burn in my eyes and quickly ran into the hallway and out of the door.

And I ran.
I ran until I fell and scraped up my arms, elbows and knees.
I laid there for a while. The cars just drove past. Presumably people in California were used to idiots lying on the sidewalk.
...I was wrong.
A car drove onto the sidewalk and I stood up.
“Beej, what the fuck are you doing?”
I sobbed and began to walk. Mike drove after. “C'mon, Billie. Get in the car.”
I just shook my head. You can't cry. Don't show him that you're a weak, pathetic motherfucker.
“Billie, you're bleeding. Please get in the car. Let me take you home so I can wash it. I can make you pasta.”
I stopped. “What about Brittney?”
Mike looked at me with sad eyes.
Silence.
Mike opened the car door. “Get in the car now, Billie Joe.”

I hate being threatened like a baby. When Mike put me down on his couch, wrapped a blanket around me and gave me a cup of coffee I wanted to throw the cup after him and scream that I didn't need his pity.
But as the weak pathetic fuck like I am, I took a sip out of my coffee and let him clean the wounds on my elbows and knees.

“So...talk.”

I snorted. “About what?”
“About why you're acting like a girl having her period. Why don't you like Brittney?”
“There's nothing wrong with Brittney.”
“Then why are you acting so weird around her?!” Mike yelled and I froze.

I took a few sips from my coffee and felt the tears starting to come before I opened my mouth again.
“Cause it can never be you and me again.”

Mike looked shocked.
“Billie, I...I thought we were over this.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that's why you almost fucked me last night!”
“It was just a...We were drunk, Billie Joe! It was nothing.”

I stood up. “So I am nothing to you now, am I? That's not what you said last tour!”
“What are you...”
“Oh don't pretend like you don't remember!” I screamed. “So many times I let you fuck me during the American Idiot tour...Like you'd forget what we did after almost every fucking show!”
“Stop living in the fucking past, Billie Joe!” Mike stood up to face me. “It's not just my fault!”
We stood like that for a while. None of us were breaking eye contact and we were both breathing heavily.

...Until I tore everything down and kissed him.

My hands were in his hair and I finally felt his tongue begging for entrance.
He pushed me down on the couch and laid down on top of me, my hands were in his hair.
I wanted skin contact. I fucking needed skin contact.

I almost ripped his shirt in two when my shaky hands unbuttoned his shirt and took it off.
I stopped breathing when he took my shirts off (Thank God he didn't say anything about my embarrassing many layer of clothes) off and leaned back to look at me.
Don't look at me. Please, don't look at me.

I covered my naked torso and Mike smiled.
“Billie Joe, you're gorgeous.”
I blushed and he started to kiss my neck. Oh God, that's a weak spot.
I moaned and touched his warm, naked torso and before I knew it, both our pants were off.

You shouldn't let him do this. Don't let him use you.
Shut up. He won't use me. He would never use me.

I almost flew up in the air when Mike kissed my hard member through the skin fabric of my boxers.
“What are you thinking of?” Mike grinned, pulling down my boxers oh so fucking slowly.
I swallowed before opening my mouth. “This.”
Mike placed gently kisses up my stomach and then kissed me right on my mouth. “We don't have to do anything, Beej.”
I bit my lip.

Just leave. Just stand up, put your clothes on and leave.
I want him. I need him.
I pushed Mike down and climbed on top of him, my ass pressing down on his rock hard member.
“I fucking want you. Now.”
Mike moaned and we rolled over so he was lying on top of me again.

“You're making me fucking crazy, Billie Joe.”

His lips were on my neck again and I rolled my head back in pleasure when our members rubbed against each other. “M-Mike.”
He pulled on the waistband of my boxers and looked at me to see if I still were okay.
I gave him a quick nod and he pulled down my boxers and gently touched my now naked body and carefully spread my legs.

I started chewing on my lip when Mikes hand wandered down my stomach, down, down...
Oh shit.
It's too late to chicken out now.
I closed my eyes and let him suck on my collarbone while he caressed my balls.
I was scared shitless but at the same time so fucking turned on.
I suddenly felt two of Mikes fingers on my lips. “Suck.”
I did as he said, knowing what he would need my saliva for.

His hand was down there again. I swallowed hard when I felt one finger being pushed against my entrance.
“You still want to do this?” Mike lifted up my head with his other hand.
I just nodded and Mike kissed my cheek. “I would never hurt you, Beej.”
It's definitive too late to chicken out now.

One finger pushed in and I closed my eyes again, this time because of the uncomfortable feeling.
Mike placed soft kisses on my chest to make me relax and another finger found its way in and I hissed.
“You want me to stop?”

I shook my head. “N-no.”
I let my hand touch Mikes rock hard member and he moaned and oh my fucking God!
I arched my back and almost screamed when his fingers hit my spot.
“Oh, fuck...” I moaned and pressed myself down to get his finger in deeper.
Mike licked my ear. “I fucking love when you do that.”
I continued ride his fingers and he finally pulled down his own boxers so I could stroke the hot, hard flesh.

This man has fucking long fingers. I almost went insane when he almost pulled them out the whole way, only to push them deep inside me again in one move, and when I was close, he pulled them out and I whined.

He smiled and turned me over and I heard him spit in his hand.
My breathing quickened when I felt his weight on my back and his soft mouth on the back of my neck.

I tensed up. We haven't done this since the American Idiot tour. I haven't even had sex with Adrienne for a few months now.
I automatically pushed my ass up in the air and felt him push against my entrance.

“Relax, Beej. I'll be careful. You know I will”, Mike whispered in my ear and I relaxed; but only until I felt his head
slip inside me.

I hissed and tensed up again. He needs to stop. It hurts too much.
Mike kissed my neck and placed his hand on my member and slowly started to stroke me.
It's not my first time. The pain is only temporally.

Mike put his arms around me and pulled me up so we were in a seated position and that's when I finally felt it.
“Oh, God!”
I thanked higher powers that Mike was behind me, cause the pleasure was so good that my body felt numbed.
My head was thrown back and Mike stroked me in the same speed as his thrusts and I moaned – no, I fucking screamed.

Mike seemed to like my sounds though; it made his thrust go faster.

“H-harder!” I begged and pulled his hair.

It was fucking mind blowing.
Mike let go of my already leaking member and pulled my legs up and dear God, I think I was in heaven.
The heat and sweat from his body made me moan even louder and it really felt like it was 2005 all over.
Were you that loud on the tour bus as well?
No wonder Tré gave us so many dirty looks...

I felt the warm feeling build up in my stomach – a feeling that I haven't felt in months now.
An orgasm that I haven't felt in years.

Mike pulled up my legs again and my eyes rolled back in pure pleasure.
“Touch yourself, Beej! Please!”
It took me a few seconds to understand what he just said, but when my hand was around myself...
I opened my mouth and the pleasure was too much to handle. It almost hurt and I know I needed to get my release as soon as possible.
“Mike, I...I'm so fucking close...”
He sucked on my neck. “Come for me then, Beej...”

One more hard trust and a few quick strokes was all it took.
My head felt heavy and the knot in my stomach became even tighter before I released all over my stomach.
Mike thrusts continued and I felt his warm seed inside of me. “Christ, Billie...” he moaned and I closed my eyes.
It was hard to breathe. I leaned forward to lay down on the pillow that smelled like Brittney. I closed my eyes. I was exhausted, not only from the sex.

Mike laid down next to me and I snuggled up in his warm embrace.
“Where's Brittney?” I mumbled. Yeah, nice one, talk about his pregnant wife right after he fucked you.
“She's away for the weekend”, Mike said and scratched my neck. “She won't be back until Sunday.”
I nodded, too tired to answer.

Somewhere, between light and deep sleep, I heard it, or did I imagine it?
“I've always loved you, Billie Joe.”