It's a Girl!

My eyes darted between Vince and the door. I would be able to escape if I was careful. He was fat, and probably out of shape. I could open the door and be out of the house before he knew what hit him. However, if he were to sit on me, my life would be over. Unlocking the door would take a few seconds, maybe. But to distract him, I might have to slit his throat like a super-spy with a Popsicle stick. On second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.

“So, uh, Vince… before we do this, would you happen to have a rubber? You know, safety first!” I grinned at my pure genius.

He raised an eyebrow, surprised I was giving in. “Yes, yes I do. I have a box in the bathroom. One second…” He walked into the bathroom and opened a cupboard. I tip-toed to the door and opened it slowly, not making a sound. “One minute, can’t seem to find them. I know they’re here… be a little patient.” He called from the bathroom.

“Alright, take your sweet time!” I replied, slipping out the door into the hallway. I sprinted down the stairs stealthily and darted out the door silently. I could hear Vince still rummaging through the cupboard through the upstairs window as I crossed into the yard.

“Ah, found them! Let’s do this! Um, Roxie? Roxie? Where are you?” He yelled. I took off running down the road as if I would never stop. I had successfully escaped the chubby claws of Vince Neil without losing any self-respect. And I did indeed get my strawberry ice cream out of the deal. The chicken nuggets however, were a broken promise. After a while, I heard a car coming from behind me. I glanced back and saw Vince’s red Ferrari. Quickly I dove into a giant bush. Vince drove by slowly, scanning the area. His greasy hair stuck to his huge pink face. Gross.

Once I was sure he had passed, I jumped out of the bush and sprinted back to my house without stopping. I jumped my fence into the backyard, sure that Vince was somewhere around. After finding out the back door was locked, I slipped through my dad’s bedroom window, falling into a pile of his dirty boxers.

I got up, dusted myself off, and retreated to the living room to see what movies my dad might have. I found one called “Hardcore Beach Party” that sounded interesting. I put it in the DVD player and watched two seconds before I nearly hurled. I had never seen so many nude people in my entire life. It was like going to a beach in France or hanging out on the set of “Girls Gone Wild.” I quickly shut the TV off just as my dad walked inside.

“Hey, squirt.” He smiled, ruffling my hair.

“You’re home early.” I looked up at him.

“Yeah, it didn’t take as long as I thought it would. Anyway, how was your day?” He sat next to me and took out his phone, texting Nikki about meeting up for lunch next Saturday.
I yawned. “It was good. Boring, but good.”

“Boring? What did you do all day?”

I shrugged apathetically. “Nothing really. Just watched some TV, talked to some friends, ate food. Regular home alone stuff.”

“Ah, regular home alone stuff. I see how it is. So, I have a party tonight, and I don’t think you want to be home alone again, so do you wanna come with me?”

I smiled. “Yeah, a party sounds fun! Besides, I don’t really get out much.” Tommy laughed like a retard as he got up and walked into his room. I followed him, wanting to know more about this party. “Where is this party, exactly?” I sat on his bed.

Tommy looked at me as he changed his shirt. “My friend’s mansion. It’s a nice place, they have a big pool, lots of nice people, you’ll have a lot of fun. Now go get ready, we leave in half an hour.” He kissed me on the forehead before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. I shrugged and walked into my room to pick some clothes out. I combed my hair, put my shoes on, and sat in the kitchen waiting for my dad. He emerged looking somewhat clean.

“Well, shall we?” He asked, opening the door. I skipped out and got into the passenger seat. We drove for about ten minutes, listening to the newest “Methods of Mayhem” album on the way. We pulled up in front of a colossal building with chicks in bikinis tossing around pink beach balls. Others were in skimpy outfits hanging out by some old guy in a stupid red robe-deal. Every single one was wearing a pair of bunny-ears.

My mouth dropped open and I turned to Tommy. “You brought me to the Playboy mansion?” I gasped.

Tommy smiled. “Yeah! Hef always throws the greatest parties. Come on, there are some people I want to introduce you to, dude.” He got out of the car and began walking through the crowd of various blonde sluts. I took a deep breath and got out too, skipping after him quickly. He was talking to the old guy, laughing as if they had been best friends for years, which they probably had been. Hef looked up at me and smiled.

“So who is this?” He asked, nudging Tommy.

“This is Roxanne, my daughter who I just found out about.”

“Ah, wonderful! She’s gorgeous Tommy, look at those legs… Wow. Tiffany, Stella, why don’t you show her around?” He beckoned two bleach-blonde girls over to me.

“Hi! I’m Stella, this is Tiffany. We are going to be just the best of friends!” giggled one of them. I nodded and shook her hand. “Okay, so let’s go inside!” She skipped inside and I followed timidly, afraid of what I might see going on in there. They led me upstairs into a big bedroom with a ton of pink frills everywhere.

“What exactly are you wearing?” Tiffany asked, looking me over.

“Clothes,” I shrugged. “I didn’t really know this was where I was going to end up.”

“Well, that’s okay. But we have to fix this. Come on.” Tiffany grabbed my hand and led me into a big closet with more clothes than a department store. “Stella, pick something out, okay? I’ll get started on her hair. We have got some work to do! Sit down, let me go get some stuff.” She left for a few seconds and came back with every hair product in the entire world.

Stella emerged with an armful of clothes that were inevitably going to show everything. “Okay, darling, put these on.” I nodded and quickly changed into the clothes quickly in the corner of the room. I walked back to them and sat down, ready for Tiffany to mess up my hair.

“Aw, you look adorable!” Stella pinched my cheek. “Okay, Tiffany, let’s do this.”

I sat there for what felt like two hours while they tugged and sprayed and clawed at my hair. Finally, they finished and I got up in the giant heels Stella had picked out for me.

“Tiffany, you know what I’m thinking?”

“What?” Tiffany clapped her hands excitedly.

“We are going to teach her everything we know. Okay, so what should we start with? How about applying lipstick using only your boobs?”

“No, no. Pole dancing. Or maybe...”

TWO HOURS LATER, TOMMY POV

“Hey, Hef, buddy… have you seen Roxie?” I asked, looking around the crowded yard. Hef shrugged before putting his arms around two girls. “Cause we should probably get going.”

“Go Roxie! Go Roxie! Go Roxie!” I heard a chorus of girls chanting from the backyard pool area. I walked over to see what the chaos was about. Was it my Roxie, or was there a new playmate I hadn’t met yet? I peeked over the crowd only to see my daughter giving a lap dance to Bob fucking Saget. I gasped and tried to fight my way through all of them, getting distracted as my hand grazed some lady’s tits. I stopped and talked to her for a few minutes before I remembered my purpose. Once I had reached the front of the crowd, Roxie was nowhere to be found. I looked around desperately when I caught a glimpse of her walking away laughing with a couple of girls I recognized from last month’s issue.

I called her name a few times and she turned towards me and waved. “Hi, daddy!”

“Hey!” I walked over and gave her a hug. “You look adorable.”

“Thanks!” Stella and Tiffany smiled. “We worked so hard.”

“Well, come on, it’s time to go home.”

“Alright, dad. Let me just say goodbye to a few people.”

“Hold on a minute!” Another girl standing next to Roxie exclaimed. “Tommy Lee is your father? That is awesome! No way!”

“Yes way!”

“Well, I bet he’ll be excited to see the tricks we taught you!”

“I bet he will, too! I’ll show him when we get home.”

Tiffany, Stella, and five other chicks hugged Roxanne, looking like they were about to cry. “You have to visit us sometime!”

“I will, I will! Thanks for everything!” Roxie replied, giggling.

“And don’t forget all these!” I recognized Holly Madison handing her a pink duffel back with the Playboy logo on it.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Oh, they thought I might need some school clothes.” Roxie pulled away from everyone and we got into the car. After we got buckled and everything, we drove home head banging to some Metallica, since I had gotten tired of the new Mayhem album already. “I’m surprised Vince wasn’t there.” She laughed, turning the music down.

I chuckled. “Glad he wasn’t. I’ve been seeing too much of him lately.”

“Ha, me too.” Roxie rolled her eyes.

“You’ve only seen him like, once.”

“And that was quite enough, thank you…” She giggled, turning the music back up. “Hey, is that his Ferrari in the driveway? God, hide me.” Roxie squirmed under the seat.

“What, why?” I stopped the car and Vince approached me, looking all mad about something. Maybe he hadn’t had his hourly meal.

“Where’s Roxie?” He growled, looking ready to kill a baby.

“She’s inside, sleeping, why?”

“Tell her that I will not be made a fool of, Tommy. And that if she ever pulls that again, she’ll fucking regret it. Cause that was fucking bitchy.”

“Um, you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.”

“Shut up.” Vince stomped away, whining about Lia hiding condoms or something.