It's a Girl!

I sat down and stared at the carpet, trying to make sense of all this. The only person I was with in '94 was Heather, and we never had a kid. But then again, I fucked lots of chicks back then.

I felt the kid lay her hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Dad, just to let you know-- you're almost out of bubbles." She motioned to my crotch area.

"Hold on." I got up and put some boxers on. I couldn't remember where I had got those, since underwear has always been my worst enemy. "Anyway, kid..."

"I have a name, dude. It's Roxanne."

"Roxanne?" I asked, sounding like a fucking retard. "Okay-- what's your mom's name?"

"Heather." She sat next to me on the couch and flipped through some random magazine I had. Unfortunately it was Playboy and she screamed before throwing it across the room.

"Hold on-- could you repeat that?"

"Repeat what?"

"What's your mom's name?"

"Heather Locklear." She said slowly as if she was explaining something to a kindergartener.

I tilted my head to the side. No. Fucking. Way. "Where exactly did you come from?"

She sighed heavily. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, they decide to... Aw, God, do I have to explain it?"

"That's not what I meant, kid." I groaned, staring at her. "One minute." I got up and walked to the phone where I dialed Nikki's number.

He answered on the first ring.

"Nikki, get your ass over here. Something's come up and I need you right this fucking second."

"Alright, alright. Be right there."

In the minutes that followed, I questioned Roxanne on how she had managed to find my house. Apparently she just searched me up in countless phonebooks and the "yellow-pages" until she found my address. So Heather popped her on a bus and sent her here without warning. Heather was filming some movie in Europe and she thought that Roxanne would get in the way of her work schedule or trash the sets.

Nikki walked through the door without knocking. "Alright, what's up?" He asked.

"I've got a little problem..." I trailed off.

"When you say that, it's usually something big."

"Oh, no. It's nothing." I said sarcastically, pulling him into the living room. "What's wrong with this picture?"

He looked around and then shrugged indifferently. "Looks exactly the same as it usually does. So are we recording or what?" I glanced around nervously. Where did the girl go? She was here ten seconds ago!

"Nikki, I didn't call you over to record."

"So what the fuck am I here for?"

Roxanne walked in holding a box of Chinese takeout. My Chinese takeout. "Who are you talking to?" She asked, noodles crawling down her chin. Nikki's eyes widened and he looked at me. He walked over to her and bent down so they were eye-to-eye.

"And who are you?"

"I'm Roxanne!"

"Nice to meet you."

I moved forward. "She's who you needed to meet. Apparently she's mine and Heather's daughter and I never knew about her." I muttered grudgingly. Nikki turned and stared at me, then looked back at her.

"Tommy, conference." He pulled me into another room. "Is she really your kid?" He asked.

"I don't know, she showed up at my doorstep and I don't know what to do with her! I don't even think she's mine!"

"She certainly looks like it. You two are almost identical. Hate to say this, Tommy, but I think she's yours."

"Roxanne, get in here." I called her in and stood next to her. "Nikki, do you really see resemblance?"

He stepped back and looked at us for a minute. "Yep, she's your kid, Tommy."

"I've got my birth certificate if you want some proof." Roxanne stepped in.

"Bring it here, kid."

"Stop calling me 'kid!'" She stomped and went to retrieve the document. I turned to Nikki.

"You gotta be kidding me. I can't have a daughter. It just..." I paused. "Isn't done."

Roxanne walked back in and handed me the certificate. Sure enough, under "Father" was the name "Thomas Lee."