It's a Girl!

Once Nikki had shut the door behind him, I walked over and turned the TV on. I flipped through the channels until I found the Teletubbies... my guilty pleasure show. My eyes fluttered shut and I listened to the Sun Baby giggling and the teletubbies shrieking with happiness.

Then I began thinking about what had happened today. Reality was setting in... how would I get her out of the fucking house without reporters getting all up in my Kool-Aid? How would I explain something like this to people? How would I take care of a girl who couldn't drive yet? How would I walk around the house naked to my heart's content with her around?

Questions bounced around in my brain, laughing at my plight.

"Shut up." I muttered at them.

"Nooo! How will you go out to bars while having to leave her home alone? How can you be sure she won't wreck the house? How will you..." They taunted.

"Dude, shut the fuck up!" I screamed. They giggled and kept gushing about all the problems I would have with Roxanne. After about ten minutes, I dozed off and completely forgot what I was arguing with myself about.

THE NEXT MORNING!

"Damn!" I whacked my head on the side of the coffee table as I dropped off the side of the couch. Somehow I managed to get up and lumber over to the kitchen.

"Hi! You're up early!" I was greeted with some girl's cheery voice. What the... did I bring someone home last night? I rubbed my eyes and looked to where the voice was coming from.

Roxanne was sitting on the kitchen counter in nothing but a baggy T-shirt eating a bowl of cereal.

"Who are you?" I asked groggily.

She laughed, wiping up some milk that had dribbled down her chin. "I'm your daughter, and I don't want to go through all of this again," She hopped off the counter. "You want some Fruit Loops?"

"No, no, dude. I don't have a daughter. That was a dream."

"I get those all the time! One time I had this dream that I got a puppy, and when I woke up, there was no puppy. I guess you have reverse ones. Cause you do have me!" She paused. "So, you want some Fruit Loops?"

"Sure." I said quietly. She pulled out a bowl and fixed me some cereal.

"Sooo, what are we doing today?"

"Well, I'm going into the studio to record some Motley Crue stuff..."

"Can I come?"

"I don't think I have a choice but to let you, so get your ass dressed before Vince sees you like that."

"He's coming over here?"

"He's giving me a ride cause I'm too lazy to drive today."

She nodded and skipped into the guest room again. I sighed and picked up the phone to call Vince.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Vince. It's Tommy."

"Be there in ten!"

"Alright, cool. Dude, listen, could you bring something bigger than your Ferrari?"

"Fuck you, dude. I'm already in the Ferrari and I'm not turning back. Why would you need a bigger car, anyway?"

"You'll see when you get here."

"Oh, do you have a girl with you?" He asked in that weird sex-offender voice.

"You could say that, yeah." I replied slowly.

"Is she cute?"

"Um, I guess."

"She can sit on my lap."

"Fuck you, dude." I hung up on him and went to get myself dressed as fast as I could. Roxanne came out of her room looking perfectly groomed and I looked like some fucking hobo. I led her to the front door and peeked outside to make sure there were no paparazzi people out today. Vince pulled into the driveway and honked twice. "Wait here." I said to her. I stepped outside slowly, just to see if any cameras went off. I walked down to Vince's car and he rolled down his window.

"Where's the girl?" He questioned.

"Inside, but..."

"Bring her out!"

I motioned to the door. Roxanne nodded and followed my example of ninja-crawling out of the house. Vince's eyes boggled.

"Alright, where do I sit?" She asked.

"Oh, you can sit here." Vince tapped his legs.

"No, she wouldn't be able to fit between the wheel and your thunder-thighs, Vince." I said.

"Well, if that's the case, I guess I'll just leave."

"No, no! I'm sorry. I'll sit cross-legged and she'll squeeze into the leg-space."

Roxanne nodded and we put the plan into action. In less than a minute, we were cruising down the highway to the studio. Vince kept looking down at the kid sitting where my legs would normally be as if she were a corn-dog and he was a starving child. I turned to him.

"You better not eat her, dude." I said.

He glared at me. "I wouldn't fucking eat her. How old are you anyway, honey?"

"I'm fifteen." She shrugged.

"Fifteen? Oh, that's nice. I like fifteen-year-olds."

"And I like... urm... your age." She nodded, looking a bit traumatized. I groaned. Vince just had to flirt with a teenage girl, didn't he?

"How did you meet Tommy?"

"Well, I just appeared on his doorstep, really."

"Ah, that's great."

Roxanne looked up at me. "Dad, I'm getting uncomfortable."

Vince slammed on the breaks and turned to stare at me. "What?"

"We're almost there, kid." I glanced down at her.

"Why did she call you 'dad?' Is that some kind of pet name?"

Roxanne set her head in my lap. "Nope. He's actually my daddy."

Vince's mouth dropped open. "No. Fucking. Way."

"Yes way. Now can we get to the studio? Please?

"But you have a daughter..." He trailed off.

"I know. I don't want to talk about it right now. Can we go, dude?" I begged, tapping my foot. Roxanne closed her eyes and continued to rest her head near my crotch. Awk-fucking-ward.

When we arrived at the studio, we sprinted in again in case someone was standing there watching us. Vince continued to stare at Roxanne like prized-beef, and I was getting pissed. Nikki and Mick were standing in the hallway waiting for us.

"Roxie!" Nikki yelled. Roxanne gasped and dove into his arms. He began talking to her and his lips were moving at 10,000,000 miles per hour. Mick turned and stared at me.

"Who is that?" He asked.

"Oh, that? Pshft, no one." I shrugged.

"You aren't fucking this poor child, are you?"

"No, he isn't, but I will be in the very near future..." Vince chimed in.

"Shut up," Mick glowered at him. "Who is she?"

"My daughter. I'll explain everything later. Let's just record and get this over with, dude." I propped Roxanne up in a little chair in the corner.

"Behave." I said.

"Okay." She fidgeted with the zipper on her pants. With that, I got up and joined the rest of the guys.