A Loaded God Complex.

So, there I sat alone in my room un-showered, unshaven, and without food. I rolled onto my stomach and buried my face into my pillow, which no longer smelled like fresh laundry. This was the lowest I'd ever been, it hurt more since I was recently flying considerably high. Not only was I humiliated in front of the whole school, but everyone knew about Ryan. I was always hanging out with Ryan, it was bluntly obvious what was going on between us. And if everybody in town knew, that meant it was a matter of time before my parents did.

"Dear!" My mother said cheerfully through the door.

"What?"

"Can I come in?" She asked confused.

"Yes!" I grumbled irritably and quickly flipped back to my stomach to avoid anything that might be coming.

The door cracked open a little for a moment and then she finally let herself in. Sighing, she sat down on the end of my bed and I heard her lick her lips.

"We-- your father and I have a surprise for you." I lifted my head a little, the pillow came with it as it rested on my antlers, "So clean up and we'll take you to it."

Being a little apprehensive, I was even more sluggish as I fulfilled my mom's wishes. I had to admit that after showering I felt better, yet I still didn't have an appetite. So, avoiding the kitchen I sat down next to Ben, who was watching TV in his pajamas. We sat silently until I was called to the car by my dad.

"Hm, I think someone has a crush on you Brendon." My dad gave a hearty chuckle, meanwhile my mother sat with her arms crossed and a tight mouth.

"Why?" My voice cracked.

"The sign." He pointed to the yellow, square we were passing. On it, around the deer was a heart drawn in sharpie. I exploded into laughter.

"It's not funny." My mom stated seriously. I wondered if she knew something or if it was her just being sensitive. Either way I quieted down quickly, "I heard about last night."

"Are you holding up, Bren?" My dad pursed his lips waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine…So… where are we going?" I asked softly and depressed again, as I leaned forward to the front seats.

"Well," my mom started and glanced at my dad. He didn't say anything and gripped the steering wheel tighter, "We're going to the city." She paused, I was amazed, "To see a doctor."

"Wh-what?" My excitement had died a sudden death. I didn't try to put the pieces together too hastily, last time I did, I put on a show Pete would have been proud of. "For what?" I stammered out.

"We just want to see about your horns." My father piped up like he was trying to be comforting.

"We were thinking it was time--" She smiled and turned to fully face me, "time to see if we could remove them." With no explanation my throat closed up like I was in an anaphylactic shock.

"But-I…" I was seeing colors around me, the idea scared me, and I had no real reasons not to go through with it. "I don't want to." My mom shook her head, and I tried to keep calm.

"It will be for the best. I mean you've already tried to cut them off once befo--"

"Stop the car!" I ordered my dad, it felt like forever before the it actually did.

Clumsily unbuckling and flinging the door open I almost tumbled to the ground. Standing, I put my hands on my head and breathed deeply. Pacing in the ditch, which was full of dying weeds, my parents slowly and cautiously approached me. Little did I know that this was one of those things where it had to get worse.

"Isn't it what you've always wanted?"

"No Mom! Jesus, I don't know!" Her face fell and I realized what I had just said.

"Brendon! What is wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me?" I panted out, my heart beat in my throat and the colors intensified. Stopping in my place I dropped my hands to my sides, she could find out at Sunday night at Bridge or from me. "I'm gay."

The words were foreign on my lips and seeing their faces I knew it was threat to them. Neither said a word, I could tell my mom was holding it in though. My father on the other hand didn't seem angry, just shocked. A few minutes passed and then my mom started trudging to the car.

"Les, get in the car."

He did as told, like any sane person would have done to avoid the wrath of my mother. I was left standing alone. Vegetation crunched under my feet as I headed the opposite direction we were coming from to get to the cemetery. I figured I shouldn't go home for a while, or ever… which it was seeming to be.

It took twice as long as it normally would have if I started from my house. Passing through town that day was quite uneventful. No one stared, spit or whispered, yet I didn't bother to analyze it. My mind was far from the locals, it was far from observing anything really. When I got to the graveyard I took my spot by the river and laid down. I didn't try to move or make myself comfortable when a rock was in the middle of my back or a leaf had managed to tickle my back. A high pitched bell rang, lifting my head I saw a familiar maroon bike.

"I knew I'd find you here!" He called cheerily, and pushed his bike on the rocky environment, "I stopped at your house. Ben said you just left."

"I told them, Ryan. I told them about you and I. About us." Ryan quickened his pace, dropped his bike on the ground, and stood over me. I had a bitter-sweet sickening feeling in my stomach. I was with him which made me happy and excited, but I was openly admitting I was gay. That was the part that worried me.

"About us? That's great!" He glowed.

I shook my head, and sat up glowered at the ground in front of me. Dropping to one knee, Ryan situated himself next to me. I wiped my nose.

"I see." Ryan scratched the back of his neck, "They can't be mad forever."

Again, I remained silent. It was helping some-what to hear it from someone who's been there. Unfortunately, I couldn't get over it, everything that had happened in the last few days, hours even, didn't help when all coated on at the same time. It just made my tummy churn and my limbs feel heavy.

"Listen about last night, I'm so sorry. It wasn't supposed to be that way."

"I know…" I said and looked Ryan in the eyes for the first time all conversation. "It's not just that."

"I'm all ears."

Sighing, I shoved the heel of my hands into my eyes and proceeded to explain to him my day so far. Upon opening my eyes I saw him gazing back in awe and concern.

"That's exactly how I looked when they told me." I muttered. Sniffling, I forced a smile across my face, "I liked the heart on the sign, by the way."

"The one with the deer?" I bobbed my head up and down, "I didn't put that there. I thought you did that." He covered his mouth as he laughed, choking, a laugh fell from my lips also. The joyous noise died down and it was fitting for a cemetery once more, "I take it, it isn't the best time to remind you that you're going hunting with my dad tomorrow?"

"No!" I groaned. Covering my face with my hands again, I fell back to the ground, "I just don't want to… after all this."

"I'll tell him then." Disappointment was apparent in his voice and I couldn't let it go. And all of the bitter ideas I had the night before plagued me with guilt. I owed Ryan… a lot, he helped it get better much faster then it would have with just myself as a nurse.

"Fine, I'll go."

"Come here."

Ryan mumbled as laid down and roped an arm around my neck. He delicately placed a kiss my cheek. My mood had improved, still I dreaded going home and the next day. At the moment I could only lean into the kiss being given on the top of my head.