A Loaded God Complex.

Another week of school passed, each day with less and less stares as people grew used to and tired of me. Surprisingly, my parents didn't mind at all that I was late. Then again I think they were just proud that I was out with someone other than Nicole or Pete. Don't get me wrong they like Nicole… and they said they had already met Ryan too. So, it was Saturday again. Nicole was feeling better and was glad to be invited to help with something like this. She was also stoked to finally get to know Ryan.

As we entered, we both automatically felt the heat and smelled the old. Several women were sitting in front of the TV in the commons area and nurses were wandering up and down the halls. During the week he told us he'd meet us and show us around. I was getting the feeling he wasn't the greatest at showing up on time, and then we saw him.

"He's kind of cute." Nicole whispered in my ear causing them to grow warm. I didn't know if I should notice this or not with her.

"Hey," Ryan said in his casual, uplifting way.

"Hi." Nicole and I answered back simultaneously.

"Well, I have a game of cards started, if you two would like to join me." Nicole was the first to nod, meanwhile I was having flashbacks to that Christmas. Before I could object, that is, if I ever physically could, we were being led down a hall, "This is Ava."

"Hello." Nicole held out her hand and I skittishly stood behind her.

"Come here boy." She summoned jubilantly, for someone so wrinkly. I fulfilled her request and stepped forward with my hands in my pockets. "And what's your name?"

"Brendon."

"Brandon?"

"Brendon." I repeated louder.

"Oh, George is this the one you were talking about?" Ava asked, but I was more distracted by the fact that she kept calling him George. He nodded shyly only glancing at me once, "Well sit down young people! Come! Play cards with a little old lady." Ryan found some chairs for us while she shuffled with her small withered hands.

"What's the game?" Nicole scooted closer to the bed.

"Look-here, we got a talkative one George." He snorted and then discretely took the cards from her once she started fumbling to hand them around, "We have 1, 2, 3, 4? Four people? I say Bullshit."

"Ava…the nurses don't like us playing that game." He leaned in and said quietly.

"Who cares about them?" Her volume much louder than Ryan's, "Just because they are uptight and not about to die doesn't mean they can stop me from playing. I would like to enjoy my life before I kick the bucket." She set down a card smugly.

"How do you play?" I mumbled. Ryan quickly explained and I understood why a church run nursing home would not want a game like this being played.

"John and I used to play this all the time… boy, was that man gorgeous."

"I thought you said your husband's name was Edward." Ryan said not looking up from organizing his cards. Nicole and I did the same.

"I never said I had just one husband." She corrected.

Nicole giggled, "What card are we on?"

"Bullshit!" Ava shouted, Nicole was startled I think by the volume of her voice.

"Jeez Av, give her a chance. We're on sevens." He informed and fixed his eyes on me. He gave a small smile and I agreed by doing the same.

"No, she's right." Nicole checked over her cards one more time before picking up the pile that had grown on the tray. We went around two more times.

"Three kings." I set them down on the pile and waited.

"Now, is he lying Ryan?" Ava grabbed his shoulder and rubbed as much as she could with her knobby fingers.

"I don't know, actually." He truly sounded clueless. Pinching my lips together I tried to keep the smirk off my face.

"Bullshit!" She flipped over the cards and was dissatisfied seeing three kings, "By God, I think this is the first time I might loose in ten years. Good game son."

"Aw, we're done?" Nicole whined playfully.

"If you're still up for the competition we can keep playing." Ava, ironically challenged the other person holding the other half the deck.

"Excuse me." A nurse dressed in a white jacket and pants knocked the open door, "Ava it is time for your lunch."

"Later Helen."

"It'll get cold Miss Ava."

"We can come back later." Nicole advised.

"Yeah," Ryan collected the cards from us, as I stood my chair skidded across the floor causing a nasty scrapping sound.

"Y'all have visitors…" The nurse garbled to herself as she looked at me, I gulped but no one seemed to notice her tone.

Nicole and Ryan said their goodbyes and I motioned a wave. We then scurried out of the room, which I had just then realized smelled like flowers and the fact that I liked Ava.

"Come on, we'll go down to the visitors hall." Ryan nodded towards the area and started walking. He stopped for a second and waited for us to catch up, silently with Ryan in the middle we made our way to the hall.

"She's so funny." Nicole commented as soon as we sat down at a table extending the length of the room.

"If I could pick one person to be my grandma, she'd be it." Ryan said with complete delight in his body language. He was sitting forward in his chair and looking back and fourth at us from across the table.

"How did you find out about helping here?" She pushed, before I could say anything nice about Ava. I then grasped that I was slipping out of this conversation if I liked it or not. Although, I knew with these two that it wasn't on purpose.

"Well, I had to search to find something I could do around here, since you guys don't have a community help program. I asked around and some people suggested that I come here."

"That is a good idea." Nicole complimented.

"I used to help special kids, but this is the second closest I could find…" Nicole was ogling him now and I was putting together pieces in my head. My bottom lip jutted out and I picked at a loose string on the hem of my shirt, "They are always just so happy."

As if he said the last part in slow motion I felt my eye prick with a boiling, stinging layer of tears. Embarrassed and angry I started to run out of the room, and unlike the Saturday before I was leaving with a much different feeling. Many other scenes were playing in my head now: him helping me after I threw up all over him, him inviting me to bowling, him picking off the kite on me in the cemetery.

On the way out I hit a few coffee tables and chairs, causing some ruckus that caught the older people's attention. They were the least of my worries. I ran, it seemed without ever loosing breath, all of my energy was put into my running and holding back frustrated tears. I knew this was too good to be true, I was an outcast that couldn't make friends.

When I reached my house I didn't want to go in, there was no way to avoid my parents or siblings. Instead I opted for outside. Panting, but not feeling winded, I slowly approached the tool shed in our back yard. My dad had left the door open and as I peered in dust was falling from the windows onto a wide variety of tools. Thrusting myself into the room I started shuffling through tools trying to find anything sharp. The first thing I picked up was a hand saw. No, it wasn't what I needed, so I chucked down on the table, letting a 'whop-ing' sound fill the space. I kept rummaging around the room, until I found hedge clippers…

Cocking my head slightly I brought the split blades of the clippers up to fit perfectly around a horn. I was just a special kid he was trying to help. But I wasn't happy and I wasn't going to be that kid anymore. Squeezing, I heard footsteps nearing. I pulled the clippers away from my head, in case it was my family. Instead what I got was Ryan, a very shocked and startled looking Ryan. His face had lost all color and he was lunging towards me.

"Brendon stop!"

Standing up straight I felt the tension from my shoulders leave as I exhaled. Chills ran through my body from head to toe, and I placed a hand on my sweat filled forehead, with the other I tossed the clippers on the tool bench. Ryan let his mouth fall open as he pulled me in and squeezed. One limb extended around my neck the other around my waist. I could feel his fist in the small of my back and his warm belly against my churning one.

"Jesus," He mustered to sputter into my neck. I'd never hugged anyone like this. It felt safe, and I couldn't pull away, even if I was appalled with him. "God, why?" Ryan finally initiated a separation, "Why would you try to hurt yourself?"

"I'm just one of those special kids you're trying to help. Is this more than you ever bargained for yet?" I was getting choked up again, but I still kept a threatening rage in my tone.

"I never thought you were disabled."

"Then why- why do you hang out with me, huh?" Turning away I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, in my peripheral vision I could clearly see him starting to pace.

"I hang out with you because you're nice and funny and smart, Brendon! You were never," He waved his arms around and stared at me hard, "never," he repeated, "charity work."

Sniffling once and blinking twice, I sighed, then shoved my hands into my back pockets. Ryan stepped closer and embraced me into a hug; his brow scrunched concentrating on holding me tightly. His hand was on the nape of my neck and I started to lean into it, removing my pocketed hands to around Ryan's waist. Another set of footsteps were in my yard and Ryan pushed me away from him, letting unusually cold air fill the space between us.

"You found him." Nicole wheezed, bending down on her knee for support, "Your… horn." She gasped and gulped for air. "I'll go get a first aid from your mom." Sauntering away she placed her hands on her head.

"Thanks." Ryan aided the words for me.

Reviewing what I had just done, I was mentally kicking myself. How could I have been so stupid and secondly, how did Pete deal with this all the time?