Accidents Happen

The rate of how fast Zack agreed to come with us across the country was astonishing. It took him mere minutes to make a definite decision and that was that he would follow his son to the ends of the Earth. Little Zack didn't know that he was his father, but Zack was determined to establish and keep a relationship with him the best he could, until we made the decision to tell him.

It was the next day before that reality got stuck in my head. If Zack was coming, we would need a reason to tell Zack as to why, and what better answer was there than the truth? I didn't know how my son would react. He wasn't even four yet. He knew that children had mothers and fathers, but never wondered, at least out loud, about his own.

Zack had gone home the night before. He said that he had to talk to Gena about all of this. And despite the situation that we were in, I was surprised to hear that the two of them were still together and I wondered how she would take the news. Zack and I had slept together in the very beginning of their relationship, just before they were official. I didn't know if he ever told her about that. But now he would have to if he had any intention of explaining his son to her.

But he was back in the morning, slightly somber from the conversations he was forced to have the night before, but putting on a brave face for Zack, who seemed to stick by him simply because he liked that they shared the same name and because Zack was "fun".

We were eating breakfast when Zack pulled into the driveway. Little Zack grinned, already knowing who it was, and took another quick bite of his cereal before trying to rush out there.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked, looking at the nearly full bowl and at the pajama clad boy who was leaving it there.

"Zacky's here," he answered, being forced to wait agonizingly before he could rush to the man and ask for a rematch on Matt's video game system.

"You need to finish eating," I replied, knowing that Zack would be here all day, "You only took a couple bites. I know you're going to be hungry in an hour, so finish eating and then get dressed and then you can play."

"I don't want more," he argued, frowning at me like I was so mean, "I wanna go answer the door."

"Fine," I relented, "But bring him into this kitchen and you can both eat some breakfast." He was gone before I even finished speaking and I could hear him down the hall as the door opened and Zack stepped through. He greeted his son easily and when they came into the room, Little Zack was in his arms.

"Good morning," Zack said, rounding the breakfast bar to sit down at my side. I said it back to him, but I could tell that he'd had a rough night. He looked exhausted and in need of some sleep and less stress and I felt incredibly guilty.

"How'd it go?" I asked, referring to the conversation he planned to have with Gena last night.

"Crashed and burned," he answered, offering Little Zacky a smile. The boy was sitting on his lap, eating his cereal as fast as humanly possible. He was too preoccupied with trying to scarf it all down that he wasn't paying enough attention to understand what we were saying.

We made pleasant small talk until he finished, then I sent him upstairs to change and turned to Zack.

"I'm sorry," I apologized to the man again, "I didn't mean to mess up your life like this, Zack. I never meant for this to happen, I just needed you to know." My voice lowered at the end. I wasn't sure how else to explain it. Zack and I were still in an awkward position, still trying to figure out how we fit together. I wasn't going to ask about his problems or let him know that Val had used them against me.

"It wasn't really that bad when you really consider it," he corrected himself, "It just went a direction that I was hoping it wouldn't and I could've lived everyday without seeing Gena react that way. It's difficult to disappoint her."

"She's disappointed that you're leaving?"

"She's disappointed that I'm leaving her so easily," he answered, sounding almost guilty about it, "She's been there for me through a lot of my own issues and I didn't think twice about leaving her here and going to New York with someone from my past and the son I just met. She just doesn't understand why my need to be with him is so strong because I hardly know him. She thinks that it's overriding what I feel for her and she's weary of it."

"She doesn't have kids," I responded, knowing the exact feeling that Zack mentioned, "When you have a kid, all you want to do is be with them and be there for every major moment. In the grand scheme of things, no one else matters. Of course I care about other people, but I would sacrifice any of my relationships for my son."

Zacky nodded to what I was saying. "I can see how that's possible," he said, "But she did say that she would like to meet you both. I would like that to happen, if that's alright. It's definitely not number one priority right this minute though."

"Yeah, that would be figuring out how to tell him that you're his father," I stated, bats erupting in the pit of my stomach just at the thought of it. "I wish I could just leave that one to you, but unfortunately, I'm not that cold-hearted."

"When should we tell him?"

"As soon as possible," I answered, trying to take the brave approach, "The longer we keep it from him, the harder it will be for him to accept it. I don't want him to form a friendship with you and then be told. That would be easier, but you're his father and he needs to learn what that means."

Zacky's hands were shaking as he nodded. "Yeah," he agreed. He was anxious, clasping his fingers together while he offered me a smile. It didn't do much to reassure me of his confidence in this, but I felt the same way and I was glad that we were both in this together.

I rounded Zacky up from his bedroom upstairs. He was playing just under the window, using the nightstand as a base for his little army people. It was now absent of the lamp he knocked off it the day before and the flatness allowed his soldiers to stand up on their own.

"Zacky, can you come downstairs please?" I asked as I stepped into his room, "There's something that we need to talk to you about."

He didn't turn around. He was on his knees, leaning into the nightstand. He was making noises that accompany the actions of his soldiers and one went flying to the floor, wounded, dying.

"Zack, come on. This is important." I stepped into the room and lifted him from the floor. He complained and wouldn't let me set him on his feet. He kept his knees bent and fell to the floor every time I tried to set him down.

"I wanna play," he complained, crawling back over to his toys, "They're dying now."

"They'll be right when you left them when you get back," I stated, finally just lifting him from the floor and into my arms, "Zack and I want to talk to you, so I need you to sit down and really listen to us, alright? It's really important that you understand what we're saying to you." I carried him down the stairs.

"What are you saying?" he asked, repeating my language back to me.

"We want to tell you together," I answered, thankful that Matt and Val had gone to spend most of the day with the other guys, strategically planning to give the three of us some time alone to assimilate.

"Just tell me," Zack complained when I said him down on the couch and moved to sit across from him, "I wanna go play."

The adult Zack chuckled at the annoyed boy and sat on the edge of the couch. "I'll come play with you in a little while," he said to the child, "but I want to talk to you for a little while. Me and your mom both."

Little Zack sat stoically in his seat, arms crossed, head titled against the back of the chair.

I started. "Zack, do you remember when Anna couldn't hang out with you because she was going to see her daddy?" I asked, leaving out the part about it being court ordered and neither side wanting anything to do with it.

Zacky nodded. It was still a strong memory for him.

"Well, did you ever wonder when you would go to see your daddy?" I asked, unsure of how else to phrase it. Grown Zack looked at me too, corner of his mouth turned up slightly in a smile. He moved his gaze away and turned back to look at our son.

"I don't know," Little Zacky answered, but his eyes were trained on us.

"Well, Zack, not everyone gets to have a dad. Some people do and some people don't, that's just the way it is, and while you might've thought you were going to be the person who didn't, we flew all the way out here on that plane so that you could meet your dad."

The little boy sat up straighter. He was frowned and looking between us. "I have a dad?"

Zack took the reins. "Yeah, man, you do," he said, stepping around the coffee table to sit on the edge of Little Zack's chair, "I'm your dad."

The child was obviously confused by the news, but Zack went on, explaining that he was going to be around from now on and that he cared about him a lot. Little Zack did't ask where he'd been because he didn't know that there was anything different about not having a father around, but it took him a moment to warm up to the idea that this was the truth. Even then, it didn't quite break the ice.

Little Zack turned to me after a while and asked, "Did you get to pick who my dad is, mommy?"

I faltered on the question. "A long time ago, I did," I answered, somewhat telling a half-truth.

"Why didn't I get to pick?" he asked.

"Because you weren't born yet, babe," I told him, "And trust me, you wouldn't pick anyone but Zack. He's really excited to get to spend time with you. He's even coming back home with us to see where we live."

"Can I call him dad?" he asked, "Or do I keep calling him my name?"

"You can call me whatever you want, Zack," the older one replied, running his fingers against the little boy's spine. "If you want to call me dad, you can, but if you like Zack better, go ahead."

The little boy seemed to think it over. "But if I call you my name, they might think I'm talking to myself," he explained, trying to use logic to get to use the titled that he wanted. "But if I call you daddy and you call me Zacky, they won't get confused."

Zacky seemed relieved by his choice. "I can do that if you can," he said.