In the Month of May

You sit next to me, content and barely breathing. It's a normal scene, I suppose, two people, sitting atop a hill, staring at the sunrise, waiting for the others we are driving with to wake up and get what they need from the store beneath us.

You are perfectly content, eyes closed into the sunrise and breeze tossing around our hair and the tall grass surrounding us. I lay back beside you, closing my eyes like you, trying to empty my mind of all worries and fears and unnecessary thoughts.

I think back to how we got here. Through so many years of trying and changing faces and friends. We've been to every city we could think of, trying to get through to where we wanted to be.
I guess in the end, we all got what we wanted.

But a thought nags at the back of mind. It tugs and pulls and brings my thoughts around to it, shining and blinding in the darkness of the concaves of my mind.

Everything we have ever worked for, everything I have dreamed of, can vanish in a second.
It is the same nagging thought I have had since I was young. It came with the dream of being with you and the others, touring and playing where we could, for what and who we could. It's the thought that came with me wanting this so much, trying so hard to get where I always dreamed of being.

It's the thought of having none of it ever happen, because I want it that much. It's the thought that my effort and desire would lead to nothing in the end, absolutely nothing.

I cover my closed eyes with my hands, twisting my face into a smile and a laugh if only to stop from crying. I hear you move beside me, and I can feel your shadow cast over me. I move my hands and open my eyes.

The look on your face says that I have betrayed myself. You ask if I am okay. I nod and close my eyes again. I feel you fingers slip between mine and pull me up to stand next to you.
We walk together down the hill with no more words between us.

You understand me more than I would care for you to, and I understand this with unease.
As we walk, the sun rises higher in the sky and the beauty of the sunrise is lost in the blue of a perfect day's sky.

As it rises, I realize I have nothing to worry about.
My dreams have come true, haven't they?
Those hours and hours thought of them being desecrated by mere effort and desire are nothing. They are nothing more than unneeded worry and pain.

I look back at the now hidden sunrise and smile away the memories.
I look back and I smile for you.