In the Month of May

She started talking about him today, and it annoyed me more than it should have. She just wouldn't be quiet, she would go on and on and on, and it made me want to reach back and slap her across the face. She wouldn't stop, and it made my heart ache.

When I told her to be quiet, to stop talking, that she was stupid for believing all of the things he said, for getting a promise ring to him, for giving her virginity to him, after only one month, she asked if I was jealous.

I stopped yelling at her to realize that I was, if only secretly, but not of her and him and what they supposedly had together.
I was jealous of the fact that I had never had something like she thinks she has.

I am jealous that I have never been able to give everything I have to someone. I am jealous that I have never fallen in love, or even thought that I was falling. I am jealous that I can't do
any of these things.

I am jealous of the fact that I always run away, that I can't stay where love manifests. I am jealous that I can't listen to my heart screaming inside of my chest and simply stay in a person's arms. I am jealous that I can't let myself go, that I can't let myself put every ounce of faith and trust I possess into someone who is standing there, willing to take it and hold it with gentle hands.

I am jealous of the fact that I can't believe in love, in a God, in faith and trust and hope. I am jealous that cannot do so many things that other people take for granted everyday. I am jealous that I can't talk about my biological father without horrible memories running through my mind, and I am jealous that I can't think about him without wanting to vomit.
I am jealous I cannot appreciate all that I have and let others see that I do. I am jealous that cannot have faith in a God so many people depend on. I am jealous that cannot believe in love.

I am jealous that I cannot fall in love.

I turned back around and left her no answer, which probably gave her all of the wrong ones.
I turned my back to her and thought of all the things I can't do, I can't believe in.

I turned around and pledged to myself to stop saying can't, to stop believing in it.
I turned around and pledged to myself to fall in love.