CRACKED
ONE LIFETIME AGO
ONE LIFETIME AGO
The flash back is on me with such a force that I sink to my knees in agony. Ignoring Daniel, ignoring Dahlia, I press the palms of my hands to my eyes and attempt to wish it away.
The blue ribbon won’t stay put. With fumbling fingers I tie it. It re-tie it. I re-tie it again. With sweeping anger, I rip it out of my hair, taking a few strands with it. I cry out in pain, alerting a nurse. She rushes into my room to check that I’m alright. I think her name is Pearl.
“Here now sweetie is everything ok?” She asks, gingerly prying open my clenched fist. She sees the mangled ribbon and shredded hair. She tuts quietly, “Oh, Miss Porter look what you’ve done to your pretty ribbon, and when Mr. O’ Callaghan is visiting soon.” She takes the brush from my dresser and runs it through my hair, gracefully tucking it into a elegant cascade of curls, making beauty where there was previously flyaway madness. She even gets the ribbon to stay.
“Thank you.” I say quietly. She finishes off my outfit by pulling out my favorite silver necklace, the one I was just cleared to wear, and placing it on my neck. It makes me smile. It was a gift from Daniel. “Is he here yet?” I say, my volume near a whisper.
Pearl wears a knowing smile. “He’ll be here soon Miss Meghan, we can wait out in the garden for him.” She offers her hand and I gently take it, walking at a gradual pace to the garden of the Asylum, my favorite place in this hell that has become my world.
Pearl speaks of the nonsensical things of my treatment. My sessions, the chemical imbalances of my brain, how I’m doing on the new set in the seemingly endless amounts of drugs they throw at me. I tune it out for the most part, preferring the beauty of the garden to the unpleasantness that I know goes on inside me. There is no use in talking about it, all I ever want is for it to go away. Maybe then I can live a normal life, married with babies and a husband and a loving family.
My vision of happiness shatters into a million pieces as one of my fellow tenants starts screeching and pulling out her hair, staring into the reflection of the pond, watching herself do it. Pearl quietly excuses herself and goes off to guide the poor soul inside to be sedated, obviously making a note to herself to restrict Mrs. So and So’s outdoor privileges.
I sigh. Such is life here at St. Peter’s, the kinder of the two enormous Asylums in Lexington. The other is for the criminally insane, those who have killed hundreds, whose laughter and psychoses are too disturbing for the general tenants here.
I stare at nothing in particular while I wait for Daniel. I’m about to head inside and go back to bed when I feel the tap on my shoulder.
I turn and see him standing before me, beaming. I smile hesitantly back. “How’s my Meg?” He asks, calling me by the nickname only he can use.
“So so.” I say standing. He takes my hand and gives me a kiss on the cheek. As we walk around the gentle twisting path, speaking of nothing consequential, I wonder what keeps him coming back. I’m not particularly pretty. Plus I’m in the loony bin. Not a catch by a long shot. So why does he keep coming back? He could just as easily forget about me and find a pretty normal girl who he can date and marry and see any time he wants, not just between the hours of two and four every Wednesday and Thursday.
I like Daniel. I really do. He’s sweet and seems to enjoy my company. He’s somewhat of a boring conversationalist, but at least he’s a visitor. It’s not like I have anything better to do.
Suddenly he pulls us off to the side to sit on a bench underneath a shedding cherry blossom. “Meg.” He says slowly and I panic. I don’t like his tone of voice. It’s one that either dictates long term commitment or permanent severance. And I’m not ready for either.
“Meg, I know that you’re going to be here for a while yet but I wanted to tell you that I don’t care. I’ve been thinking for a long time and…I love you Meg. I want you to know that, and to know that I’m not going anywhere. In fact,” He moves away from me, bending down and retrieving something small from his pocket. “I want you to marry me. Will you Meg?”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. I’m not meant for love. I’m not meant for boys pledging their eternal devotion to me or being told I’m beautiful. I’m meant for pills, and experiments, and doctors, and bright white lights, and the smell of antiseptics. I know for certain I don’t love Daniel. Love is something that is easy and light and truthful and doesn’t come with strings attached and all I see with Daniel are strings and lies.
But, honestly, if not him, then who else? Who else would love me as the freak I am?
“I- um-“ I start.
“Well isn’t this a beautiful moment?” A nurse says, passing by, ruining my moment of concentration entirely.
I blush and stammer, “I, well, he-“
“Oh honey, don’t be embarrassed.” The woman laughs, misty-eyed. “That’s so wonderful. Tell me you said yes.” She nods to the engagement ring Daniel somehow managed to slip on my finger.
I open my mouth to answer-
“Yes. She did.” Daniel says vehemently from behind me, taking my hand.
The nurse looks to me, concerned that I haven’t affirmed it. I close my mouth slowly, and nod. With that I feel Daniel’s fingers squeeze mine.
And that’s when the psychotic break happens. It’s a small build up at first, but then, as I attempt to fight the blinding pressure I find myself speaking in tongues and passing out, noting Daniel’s face as it slides off his bones.
...
I wake around four in the morning, head heavy with residual sedation. I raise my left hand to rub the bleariness from my eyes when I spot it. Gold, polished, and sparkling deadly in the moonlight. Now more of circle of dead, restricting weight than anything else.
♠ ♠ ♠
FLASHBACKKKKKKKKUh oh.
So I'm sorry it's been forever and a day but I thought I'd make up for it with an extra long chapter. In a ridiculously black, angst-ridden, "fuck the world" mood. So I figure, no better time to write, eh?
Share the love please.
Love<3 ..mockingbird..