What You Do to Me

“So, I’ve decided I never want to be pregnant again.”

“You’ve only been pregnant for three months,” I chuckled, sliding into my first class seat. I had been talking on the phone with Maggie since I first arrived at the airport, nearly two hours ago, only hanging up to check in and go through security.

“Yeah, well, that’s more than enough. If the kid didn’t look like a sea monkey I’d push it out right now.”

“Gross.”

“And the cravings are disgusting. I don’t want pickles or ice cream, both of which I love, but no. Instead, I want hot dogs and broccoli, which I despise.”

“At least you’re not pregnant in the summer. That would be awful. How’s Holden handling it?” I asked, smiling at the stewardess in thanks as she handed me a blanket.

“Oh, he’s just peachy,” she snapped. “Sorry, it’s the hormones. But yeah, he’s just happy as a clam, running around and buying baby stuff, repainting the one guest bedroom and writing cute little lullabies. It’s disgusting.”

“Well, I’ll take you out this weekend and we’ll have some real girl time and let Travis and Holden watch football or something like that.”

“When are you getting here?”

“Saturday afternoon sometime and we leave on Wednesday.”

“Ok, good, then you can help me. I’m going to meet with the wedding planner on Monday morning. I need to move the date. I refuse to have anything other than a spring wedding and I will not be squeezing into my mother’s dress eight months pregnant.”

“Sounds like a plan. Listen, Mags, I got to go, we’re about to taxi out but I’ll call you tomorrow when we’re on our way down to the house.”

“Alright. See you soon.”

“Toodles.”

I clicked off and immediately pulled out a magazine to read. Part of the reason I had been on the phone with Maggie for so long discussing the most random of subjects was because I needed to keep myself distracted.

I was flying from Fort Myers to New York to meet Travis and hit up the Glamour Kills show at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Our tour with Anarbor and A Rocket to the Moon had been exceptional, but had ended over a week ago, giving me a relaxing break in warm, sunny Florida before heading back up to the wintery North. I was incredibly excited to see Travis again, but I was also petrified about the conversation I knew we were going to have.

I could handle Alex, there was no question about that, though I knew it would be uncomfortable and awkward. Then again, so is having sand all up in your swimsuit – but you put up with it and try not to let anyone else notice.

I just wasn’t sure how to broach the subject with Travis. Hey, you know that guy that completely shattered my heart and made me a complete bitch for six months? Oh yeah, well, that’s the lead singer of All Time Low and one of your good friends. Enjoy the rest of tour! No...that wouldn’t work.

Nana hadn’t been nearly as helpful as I had hoped, and in the week that I was home she had only been able to give me the ‘do what you think is best’ talk. She said I definitely needed to be honest with Travis, especially if I wanted our relationship to go to “the next level”, whatever the hell that was. But other than that bit of advice, she had been far too busy trying to keep Chomper from tearing up her flowerbeds to really worry about my petty problems. Maggie, too, thought it was necessary to tell Travis about my past with Alex, but again was less than clear on how exactly I should go about doing that.

So, naturally, rather than face my problem head on, I buried myself in a glass of wine and the newest gossip mags I bought at an airport kiosk. The two hour plane ride went way too fast for my liking.

*-*-*-*

When I arrived in New York, a limo picked me up from JFK and took me to the venue. Travis was thrilled to see me, as I was to see him, and wasted no time in taking me around and introducing me to members of the tour. The Hammerstein Ballroom was a great concert arena and when Travis informed me that All Time Low was filming DVD footage there, I knew that it was going to be an electric night. I was excited for all of the bands – nights like these were always the most memorable and really stuck with you.

After a quick tour during ATL’s soundcheck, Travis took me back to the Green Room to hang out with the boys and meet the other bands. Some of them I had already met briefly, like the guys and girl in Hey Monday, but others were new faces, such as the Friday Night Boys.

“Hey Jen,” Cassadee greeted, coming up and giving me a friendly hug. We hadn’t really talked at all when she had visited Warped Tour (I had been too busy trying to make Alex jealous and ignoring the fact that she and him seemed rather cozy), but I could tell she was excited to have another girl around. I was also more willing to be friendly with her than before, since Hunter had confirmed that she was actually dating Rian Dawson.

“Hey,” I smiled back, waving at her band mates and the other guys. Travis went over to the bar area and grabbed a red solo cup off the counter before laughing animatedly with Alex Lipshaw.

“You don’t mind that I’ve been singing ‘We’ll Be a Dream’, right?” Cass asked, biting her lip nervously. “I’ve been covering your part whenever Trav decides to perform it.”

“No! Not at all,” I grinned. “I’m glad it’s being performed. But I get it tonight, if that’s okay. I’ve only gotten to sing it once in front of an audience.”

“Oh, yeah, of course! And I would offer ‘Remembering Sunday’ if you wanted it, but Juliet came up for the DVD,” she smiled, probably thinking what an amazing duet it would be.

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want that one,” I replied, my smile now forced. “I think Travis and I were going to get going once We The Kings are done, anyway. We’re heading down to my brother’s house for the weekend.”

“Oh, okay,” Cass said, her smile faltering slightly at my tone. “Oh!” she exclaimed suddenly, smile now back in place. “Congratulations about the baby!”

“Thanks!” I grinned. “We’re all so excited.”

Just then, the Green Room door slammed open and the boys in All Time Low stumbled in, laughing and shoving each other good naturedly.

“Jency!” Jack shouted, when his eyes fell on me and he immediately came over and gave me a hug. Rian and Zack did the same, Zack showing off his muscles and lifting me off the ground.

They then shuffled off to the other side of the room, leaving me to face Alex on my own. I shivered slightly, goose bumps spreading across my body. I ignored them. Whereas last time he couldn’t even bring himself to look at me, this time, Alex’s eyes shifted up and down my body frantically, as if searching for something. His face was pale as a ghost as well.

I gave an awkward, unenthusiastic wave. He swallowed hard, but still didn’t make eye contact. Annoyed, I turned away, only to have a jar of pickles shoved in my face.

“Want some?” Jack asked, eyebrows raised. He waved the jar under my nose.

“Ugh, no, Jack...thanks?” I looked at him in confusion and then over to Travis, who merely shrugged his shoulders. It was Jack, so what could we really expect?

“Hey, Jen,” Rian said then, pulling some beers out of the fridge. “Want one?”

“No, I’m okay,” I said, waving them off. Rian frowned slightly and glanced at Alex, who looked like he might actually be sick.

“Come on, Jency,” Zack encouraged, coming over to me with a beer. “You know you want one.”

“No, really, I’m fine. I had some wine on the plane, any more and I’ll be stumbling over my lyrics later.”

Zack’s eyebrows shot up and a smile spread across his face. “You had win,e did you?” He asked, his voice going up in volume. Alex’s head snapped over to look at me.

“Was it non alcoholic wine?” Jersey asked, looking confused.

“Uh...no. It was just regular white wine.”

“But I thought would weren’t supposed to drink when you’re pregnant.”

Beer shot out of Travis’ nose. I stared at Jersey. Fucking hell.

“I’m not pregnant,” I cried, looking at them all. “Who the hell said I was pregnant?”

Every person in the room pointed at Travis, who suddenly looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I rolled my eyes.

“No, I didn’t!” he protested, eyes wide and shaking his head.

“Yeah, you did man,” Rian chuckled, slapping the red head on the back.

“When did I do this? I don’t remember this at all.”

“With the amount of alcohol you consumed,” Andrew Goldstein said, “I’m surprised you still have brain function. It was a few weeks ago in Kansas City. We had that blowout party and you screamed ‘I’m going to be a father!’”

“I did?” Travis asked, looking at me apologetically. “Oops.”

“Yeah, and then you went and kicked Gaskarth in the balls,” Mike Gentile snickered. I looked over at Alex, who had regained color in his face and was not smiling slightly. So that’s what he was freaking out about.

“Maggie, my brother’s fiancée, is pregnant. Not me,” I clarified, laughing at the ridiculous of the situation.

A round of ‘Ohs’ spread around the room. I rolled my eyes and went over to hug Travis, who still looked incredibly embarrassed.

We hung out for another hour or so and I couldn’t help but notice that Alex continued to stand awkwardly close to me. Whenever I was in a group of people talking, he would come and stand there too. He never actually said anything though, he just lurked. Creeper.

Hey Monday went out first, followed by The Friday Night Boys. I followed We The Kings backstage as the set ended and talked with T-Fair about when I was going out, which side to enter from, etc. Once again, I sensed a presence behind me. I chose to ignore it, but finally, right before the boys took the stage, I turned to look at Alex.

His hands were shoved in his pockets and his bounced back and forth on his heels, clearly trying to look like he was doing something. I was about to make some snarky remark, but Travis slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him.

“Can I get a kiss for good luck?” He asked, cute grin on his face.

“Of course,” I replied, and stood on my toes and wrapped my arms around hs neck.

Needless to say, it was beyond awkward kissing Travis when Alex watching. I could feel his hazel eyes boring into my back as I pressed my lips against the red head’s, squeezing my eyes shut tight in hopes to blocking Alex out completely. Of course, that was impossible.
Whenever he was around my hair stood on end, my heart beat just a little fast, and I wanted nothing more than for those sensations to stop. I was over him.

“See you in a bit,” Travis grinned down at me, tracing his long fingers down my cheek affectionately before turning and heading out onto the stage behind his band mates. I smiled after him, doing my best to focus on the screaming fan girls rather than the fact that Alex was still standing behind me. He was hard to ignore, however, when his shoulder brushed against mine as he came to stand next to me.

Clearly, he never meant to touch me, as we both flinched away at the contact. He offered me an apologetic smile, before shoving his hands in his jean pockets and watching as Travis and the boys broke into ‘Secret Valentine’.

“I like your song,” he croaked out, after a moment, almost too quietly for me to hear over the speaker we were standing next to. “I mean, Travis has been performing solo here and there with Cassadee, but I’m sure it’s ten times better when you’re singing on it...”

“Thanks,” I replied shortly, not exactly wanting to get into a conversation with him. I mean, he hadn’t said a word to me since I arrived, and the last time we had seen each other...well, he had been a complete ass. Why did he want to be all buddy-buddy now?

“Travis beat me to it,” he continued. “Before, I always thought we would be the ones doing a duet.” He meant it to come out as a joke, but his voice cracked and it just came out awkward and unnecessary.

“No, I don’t think so.” I didn’t even turn to look at him, just kept my arms crossed against my chest and focused my eyes on Travis – even if my mind wasn’t.

“Oh, yeah. Okay,” he ended lamely.

I knew what he meant by ‘before’ – as in, before he left Los Angeles without an explanation, before we were in love, or so I thought – and I wasn’t going to go back there. I wasn’t going to reminisce on that time, one of the happiest of my life, with him standing right next to me, actually trying (and failing) to have a normal conversation with me.

He continued to just stand next to me, sniffling and clearing his throat. It was annoying as hell.

“Travis is an amazing guy,” I stated, keeping me eye attached to the stage. “I’m really lucky to have him.”

I don’t know what made me say these things. I guess I still wanted Alex to be jealous, but I also wanted him to know that I was done with him, that what had happened last winter was nothing.

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice so weak that I was forced to look over at him to confirm he had responded. “He’s incredibly lucky, too.” His face was pale again, and for a moment, guilt rippled through me. But what the hell did have to feel sorry for?

“Jen,” Alex said, his voice coming out stronger now. He turned to face me and finally, we locked eyes. “Are you happy?”

I stared at him. Was I happy? I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I felt complacent, but at the same time I felt so conflicted and pulled in every direction and I didn’t know which way was which. He shattered my heart and left Travis attempting to pick up the pieces, at least all the pieces he could find.

Had anyone else asked my if I was happy, I would have looked at them like that were crazy and told them “Of course I’m happy. I’m great!.” But coming from Alex...I just didn’t know.

“Yes,” I finally replied, trying to convince myself as much as him.

He accepted my answer with a slow nod. I watched as he walked away from me then, feeling utterly confused and conflicted. Damn him.