About a Girl

“So if you want to be with me, with these things there’s no telling, we just have to wait and see…but I’d rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery. Besides, maybe this time is different. I mean, I really think you like me.” – Bright Eyes

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Rae

If I’m being honest I don’t really know what I’m thinking.

There’s the part of me that says it’s too soon to be close to anyone now.

Most of me doesn’t care, but that small part is warning me not to be as naïve as I was with Luke –

It’s warning me not to be stupid this time.

But Michael’s not the same as him.

Luke’s over-jealousy and lack of support for the band that Suzie and the guys warned me about, that I always passed off as excessive concern and caring, his passive-aggressive methods of getting what he wanted, the way he could twist my words to make it seem like it was my fault, like I was the problem with us- the manipulation, the cheating – the way I didn’t see until it was too late – and I can’t see that in Michael.

I can’t see any of Luke in Michael.

I only see Michael.

He sits on my bed, watching me pack for the week and a half or so I’m going to be bouncing around the country to promote the new album.

“Don’t you have your own packing to do?” I tease.

“I’ll just wait until the last minute, like you,” he teases back.

“Ha-ha,” I sarcastically retort while trying to decide on a pair of shoes.

“You overestimate my wardrobe,” he continues. “I throw whatever’s clean in my suitcase and I’m ready.”

“Suzie would kill me,” I reply, shaking my head. I toss a pile of shirts aside, bored.

“Want to get out of here for awhile?” he asks, reading my mind.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Michael

We’ve only been together a few weeks, so we’re still adjusting to being a couple, but walking down the street holding her hand feels normal.

We walk past the restaurant she took me to the night we met. Thankfully, the weather’s warmer now, if only just barely. I’m just glad it’s stopped snowing.

We just wander around, talking and killing time before she has to go finish packing for her flight in the morning.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask absently, while we wander around the record store she’d brought me to about two weeks after we met.

“When I’ll get to see you next,” she answers, flipping through a never ending stack. I don’t touch anything; I’ll just want to buy everything I don’t need and it’s not as if I have any place to put it.

“We have the Irving Plaza show next week, then I’ll be back for a few days until Cancun and the U.K. Then the album release…” She nods, not saying anything. “I’ll be back for bit after that, though…” I trail off hesitantly, probably finally realizing what’s going through her head.

How is this ever going to work?

“We can video chat. Phone calls, email. It’ll be fine,” I say, trying to reassure myself as much as her. She offers a smile and squeezes my hand. “Is your schedule finalized yet?” I ask.

“I'll be out west for a few promotional shows. I don’t know that I’ll be back in time to see you before you leave for Mexico.” She frowns. “Then Warped Tour in June. We’ll have May, though, won’t we? At least some of it?”

“Yeah,” I answer hopefully. “For sure, Rae.”

“Are you excited?” she suddenly changes her tone as we leave the shop to head back to William’s place.

“For…?”

“Irving Plaza,” she grins, her eyes twinkling in excitement for me. “Your first show with them.”

“Can’t wait,” I smile back, not admitting that I’m nervous, and not only for the show.

But I’m sure we’ll be fine.

I can make it work.

I just hope I’m not lying to myself anymore.

I’ve been trying not to since I met her.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The only things I hear in my ears in my blood pulsing through my head and the hum of the crowd, alive with energy while my nerves jumble into a knot in my stomach.

I’d talked to Rae on the phone earlier, but I still couldn’t bring myself to admit how nervous I am.

I think she knew anyway.

The guys are eager to get started; they haven’t played a show in over six months, and it’s been even longer for me.

There’s barely time for me to think before we’re ushered on stage.

The stage lights are hot, beams of reds and whites flashing in my eyes and the room’s jam-packed with fans that get louder as soon as William joins us on stage.

I shouldn’t be this nervous, but I keep thinking that I’m going to mess something up somehow.

I feel stiff and awkward until the second verse, then everything flows and I stop thinking so much thanks to the energy in the room.

I feel less and less self-conscious as William paces the stage vigorously and Sisky, Mike, and Butcher play their best.

I begin to smile, letting my hands control themselves over the frets of my guitar and starting to enjoy myself.

And I haven’t felt like this is such a long time.

I feel like I’m starting over and maybe this time I’m finally where I should be.