When I Go, Bring Me Back Again

I woke up and it was dark, and it was cold too. I rolled over noticing my empty room and was confused. The floor that I had been laying on with them was now bare.
“Uh, Mikes? Gerard?” I slid off of my bed noticing that everything had been put up. The controllers and video game cases that had been strewn around the bottom of bed were gone as well. I turned on my lamp so that I could see my room better and saw that all of their things were gone, it looked like they hadn’t even spent the night, let alone come over. Did they just leave or something? Then I realized that we had a spare bedroom and they had probably just gone there. They had probably cleaned up after I had passed out and put me in bed before taking their things there. But that’s when I noticed I was just in my boxers, and I was pretty sure neither of them had done that. Looking at the clock I noticed it was a little after three in the morning. Deciding upon that I yawned stretching and thought about going back to sleep. I would just ask them about it later on.
“Whatever,” I mumbled and was about to go back to bed when flashing lights appeared through the bottom of my door. I stopped mid turn and faced the white door looking at the blinking lights. They were red and blue, just like cop lights.
“What in the world?” I breathed walking towards my door and opened it up quickly only to find an empty hall. More than slightly confused I stepped out and looked both ways, my door slamming shut the moment my hand left the knob. I jumped away from it in shock, my mind blurred about what the hell was going on. I looked at it for a few moments before slowly reaching out to the doorknob and turned it, opening it up and walked in hesitantly to my now dark room. Quietly shutting the door I searched for my light switch, but I couldn’t find it. I was more lost than confused now. I gave up after a few moments, sighing angrily in the darkness and went to walk forward only to trip over something solid and fall onto my bed.
“Ouch,” I sat up on my bed, bringing my legs up on the mattress and frowned. It really fucking hurt, I reached down to rub my ankle my hand hit something. It was hard, and cold, covered in what felt like jeans. Seeing as my eyes weren’t adjusted to the darkness I let my hands trail along whatever it was, realizing that it was a leg that turned into a torso. He wasn’t skinny enough to be Mikey, not that Gerard was fat or anything. But Mikey was definitely a lot smaller than him, almost like a pole.
“Gerard?” I whispered, he hadn’t been in my bed when I woke up so how did he get here now? And why the hell wasn’t he waking up? I gripped his shirt as I continued to feel up his body and gasped when my hands hit something wet.
“Gee?” I choked before reaching back down to touch it, it was cold, whatever it was. But what scared me was where it was at.
“Gerard?” I called into the darkness, pressing my hand to his chest that was unmoving.
“No... Gerard, this isn’t funny.” I panicked pushing on it, my eyes finally able to make out the outline of his body.
“Please say something,” my voice cracked, I looked around the room and slipped off the bed feeling out for anything. I hit my bed side table and frantically searched for the lamp to turn it on, when the light filled my room I saw the dark red on my hands.
“Gerard?” I looked over and saw him laying on my bed, in clothes that I remembered perfectly from that night. I wouldn’t look above his chest, scared of what I was going to find. This couldn’t be happening, everything had been going so well. I stumbled towards him, afraid to look but knowing that I would have to. Slowly my eyes trailed up his blue shirt, getting darker in spots the closer it got to the neckline. Then there was the blood that pooled onto my bed, blotching my blanket. But it all lead to his neck, the scene of it all, his head tilted back off the edge of my bed. Sliced from side to side, slit open creating a good inch wide wound. He had cut down so deep that it had gone to his trachea causing a giant chunk to go missing. I fell onto my bed, my eyes frantically searching his body for anything to show that it wasn’t real. I climbed onto his stomach taking his even paler face into my hands.
“Wake up.... please, you’ve got to wake up. You can’t go, not like this,” the tears finally spilled over, falling on his blue turning lips. Streams of red slipped down his cheeks leading from the edged of his mouth, to just under his ears and dripping onto my bed.
“Please Gee,” I cried running my hand through his hair as I held his head up holding him close to me.
“Don’t do this.... not now, please. I just wanted to make you happy,” I choked into his hair causing it to stick to my face. I ran my thumb over his lips and his closed eyes, sliding off of his body I landed on his arm that held the bloody knife. I let go and just looked at it, and I felt like it was glaring back at me, rubbing in what I had caused.
“You did this,” came his raspy voice. I looked to see him laugh darkly, blood spewing from his neck as he did it.
“No, I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please,” I cried leaning forward to wipe the blood from his face.
“Does it make you happy?” his eyes opened, a white film covering his hazel pools.
“No!” I choked shaking my head pressing down on his neck, hoping to make it stop, but knowing that it was already too late. The blood seeped through between my fingers making my hands look like they were disappearing into the sea of red.
“I love you, please don’t go Gee. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I love you.” I cried, his eyes slipping shut once again. I collapsed against his chest, sobbing into his already wet shirt, looking at my blood covered hands.
“No,” I cried over and over again, anger building up as I tore at my hair and balled my hands up into fists, hitting myself.
“Frank.” I just shook my head as he said my name. I had tried so hard and he was dead again.
“Frank, wake up!” I felt hands on my shoulders shaking me.
“Frank, wake up damnit!” someone shouted and I gasped sitting up.

I saw Mikey sitting there, looking at me with tired but worried eyes.
“Wait... but...” I panted staring at him. I felt warm hands on my shoulder and I jumped back hitting something.
“It was just a dream,” they whispered into my ear rubbing my back.
“Gee?”
“Dude, you were freaking me out. You just started whimpering in your sleep and then started to go schizo.” Mikey stated putting on his glasses.
“Why don’t you go get him something to drink,” he nodded getting up and walked out of the room slowly, almost falling over a few times.
“A dream... it was just a dream?” I whimpered looking down at my hands that were clean.
“What happened Frankie? You kept saying my name, but it didn’t sound like a good thing,” I turned on my butt to look at him. His neck free of blood and that gory gash, now I understood why Mikey had been such a zombie, finding his brother like that.
“I-I had that dream again. But... it was so real Gee, I thought you were dead. I mean... I can still feel it, and you were so cold,” I tried not to cry as my chest tightened up. He sighed pulling me towards him and hugged me close.
“I’m okay, see? I’m still breathing, I’m warm. I’m still here Frankie,” he whispered rubbing my back softly. I nodded into his chest and closed my eyes. I was still in shock as to how deep his cut had been. It was obvious he wanted no chances of making it through it. But I couldn’t imagine just how far gone he was, to actually live through creating that damage.
“Do you want to talk about it?” that question surprised me. I shook my head this time, I just didn’t want him to let me go.
“Was it the one you had before?”
“Yeah,” I breathed, running my thumb back and forth over his chest. It made me wonder how worried he was, to wake up and find me freaking out in my sleep saying his name.
“Gee?”
“Hmm?”
“You said that you heard me say your name, did I say anything else?” I remembered what I had said, I only hoped that he hadn’t heard it. Not because I didn’t want him to know, but I just wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.
“Yeah, but it was all mumbled. Why?” I just shook my head, moving to wrap my arms around his waist. We stayed like that for a few minutes until I heard Mikey walk back in.
“Here you go Frank,” I sat up and took the glass from him, giving a quiet ‘thank you’ before downing the water.
“What time is it?” I mumbled wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“It’s about four thirty.” I nodded sitting the empty glass on the floor and sighed resting my head on Gee’s shoulder.
“You want to try and go back to sleep?” he asked quietly. I shook my head and closed my eyes.
“I’ll go downstairs and let you two get some sleep though,” I went to push myself up but he held onto my arm.
“No, I’ll stay up with you.” I looked back at Mikey who was back to sitting on his sleeping bag.
“I’ll stay up too,” he stated, but I could tell he could barely stay awake now.
“Go ahead Mikes, we’ll be okay.” Gerard stated causing him to frown.
“Go take the spare bed down the hall mkay?” he didn’t argue, but he didn’t seem that excited about it. He nodded getting up and left the room shutting the door behind him.
“Come on, let’s get you off the floor.” he pushed himself up and straightened out his shirt before holding out his hand. Taking it he pulled me to my feet and then had me sit down on the bed.
“I’ll be fine Gerard, you can go sleep.” he shook his head sitting down next to me.
“I want to make sure you’re ok.”
“I had a nightmare, that’s all. You’re right, everything’s ok. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.” he just laughed.
“Who say’s I’m suffering Frankie? Besides, coffee later on and I’ll be fine. No worries.”
“You sure?” he nodded leaning back on his elbows. I sighed laying on my back and rested my hands on my stomach.
“You going to be okay?” his voice was soft and I looked over at him giving him a slight nod.
“Was is it that bad?” he really did seem interested in all of this. I was afraid to go into it, but if it was something that interested him, then I wouldn’t ignore it.
“Yeah.” I replied quietly. He nodded looking straight ahead of him, I could tell by his set jaw that he was thinking. Probably trying to come up with another question that he felt wasn’t too personal. If only he knew how personal the subject really was.
“You want to know how you did it, don’t you?” his eyes drifted down to me and he nodded.
“But if you don’t want to talk about it, then it’s okay. It just... it must have been bad if you were freaking out like that.” he shrugged looking away from me. I pushed myself up, before leaning against his shoulder. Reaching up I touched his pale neck with the tips of my fingers, letting them brush against his unmarked skin. I frowned, picturing it again and closed my eyes, trying to force away the images. His hand touched mine and he looked at me with a frown that mirrored my own, I could tell that he understood, but the wariness in his eyes showed he wanted confirmation.
“You slit your throat Gee,” I whispered, my eyes locking with his for just a few moments before he broke it by looking away.
“You... you told me it was my fault. You asked me if it made me happy, and you were so cold. There was so much blood,” I felt the tears slip as I began to ramble and my voice started cracking.
“Hey, calm down,” he grabbed my wrist, rubbing it with his thumb in small circles. It was to soothe me, and it was working.
“I’m sorry Gee.” I whimpered, he shook his head.
“I’m okay Frankie, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry about any of that ok? You’ll never have to worry about that.” his voice filled the quiet room, and for a moment it’s like none of it had actually happened. Days didn’t matter anymore, because he was here, telling me that he would never do it.
“Do you promise?” I whispered looking into his hazel eyes, searching for lies, for doubt. Anything to make me worry that he wasn’t being that honest.
“I promise you Frankie.” I nodded letting out a shallow breath and let my head fall back onto his shoulder. I blinked away the tears and stared down at his hand that was still holding my wrist. I pulled it away and before he could do the same I grabbed it. Tracing little shapes across his wrist, and onto his palm. His muscles flexed under my touch, showing the life that he still held.
“Gee?”
“Hm?”
“Thanks, for staying up with me.” I mumbled running my finger tips along his fingers, tracing the lines.
“You’re welcome Frankie.” his warm breath hit the top of my hair before I felt the weight of his head against it. I sighed closing my eyes, letting my fingers continue to dance across his skin, grinning when I heard him giggle.
“That tickles,” he whispered. I opened my eyes, gazing at his hand and sighed shifting so I could move my other arm. I grabbed his hand with both of mine and just looked at it, overwhelmed with the heat of it. Unlike my dreams and my fears, his skin was alive underneath my hands, pumping blood and moving.
“You okay?” he asked quietly and I nodded as a reply. Biting my lip I laced our fingers together, letting go with my other hand and let it rest on my lap. I glanced up at him to see that he was staring at our hands, a deep look set in his eyes. I reached up pecking him on the cheek before blushing and resting my head back on his shoulder.
“Can we go to bed Gee?”
“Are you sure?” I nodded.
“Will you stay with me?” I pulled away, thought I didn’t let go of his hand. He looked at me for a few moments, before looking back down at our hands.
“Uh yeah, if you really want me to.”
“I do, I feel better when you’re around.” I pulled him up, and pulled back on my blankets, still not letting go. He leaned over to turn off the lamp and we briefly parted, only to lay down. I slid in closest to the wall and felt the bed dip down. When I rolled over, I frowned seeing he had his back to me and I tugged at this shirt.
“What’s wrong?” he leaned onto his back to look at me.
“Roll over,” I mumbled and he once again just looked at me. After realizing that I wasn’t kidding he rolled onto his other side facing me and I leaned into him, pressing my face to his chest feeling his heart beat. I slid my arm around his waist closing my eyes. His body had gone a bit stiff for the first few minutes and then he slowly wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer.
“Comfy?” I mumbled into his chest, my free hand pressed up against it.
“Mhm, you?” I gave a murmured ‘yeah’ and laid there, listening to his steady heart and his slow breathing until it finally put me to sleep. Hoping that I would never have to face that horrible nightmare again in my dreams, or in reality.