I Don't Believe in Anything but I Believe in You

With a soft sigh, I stared up at the gorgeous green eyed man above me as he panted heavily then rolled off of me, “Would it kill you to fake it?” He asked me as he sat down next to me.

Shaking my head a little bit, I sat up as well and shrugged my shoulders, “It was weird seeing him today, Carter,” I whispered to the man.

“Are you serious?” Carter grumbled as he reached down to the floor and grabbed his underwear, “It’s bad enough that I know I’m nothing compared to him in bed but to talk about him in bed too?” He asked then pulled his underwear on before standing to his feet, “There needs to be a line and I think you just crossed it.” He pointed out before picking up his jeans from the floor as well.

Turning my head to the twenty one year old guy, I studied his toned torso and his muscular arms, knowing that his sex isn’t ‘bad’ so to say but he just isn’t Gabriel.

“I love you, Kacie, I love your boys too. I’m giving you all of me, could you at least return the favor and give me a little bit of yourself?” My boyfriend wondered as he stood there wearing nothing but his jeans, low on his hips.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to him while keeping the thin white sheet hugged to my chest, “It’s not fair to you or our relationship.”

“Listen,” Carter started before he walked over to me and crawled onto the bed and over to me, “I know it hurts and I know you still love him, every time you look at those twins you see two spitting images of Gabe staring back you and it stings but I’m here for you every night, I cook for you, I sit here and I listen to you talk about the stresses of running the hotel, I even sit here and listen to you bad mouth Gabe but you need to let me know, should I wait for you to pull through this like I’ve been doing or will this be the rest of our lives together?” He asked me, “I don’t want to be ten years into our relationship and find out that you’re leaving me for your ex-Husband.”

Taking his handsome face between my hands, letting the sheet fall to my lap, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his feeling the passion I have for him, the passion I’ve always had for him since the day I met him in my Hotel’s lounge on a break, “The divorce is final, I’m not going back to Gabriel, do you hear me?”

Carter just smiled and nodded, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kacie.” He gave me a soft kiss on my lips before he got up off of the bed. I watched as he tugged his white v-neck on before I spoke softly, “Where are you going?” I wondered.

“My place,” He informed me, “I think you need space right now, the last thing you need is me hanging around.”

Raising my eyebrow, I didn’t believe him, I know better than to think he’s just going to go home at eleven forty on a Friday night. He’s probably going to go hang out with his friends, the friends that he’s been neglecting as of lately because of me, “Tell Chuck, I said hi,” I said simply before I held the sheet back to my chest once again.

Carter said nothing as he started out of the room, “I’ll give you a call tomorrow, have good dreams, Kacie Aron.” He muttered then disappeared from my room, shutting the door behind himself and showing himself out.

Sitting there for a good fifteen minutes before I moved, reaching over to my nightstand, I pulled the drawer open and took my rings out. Slowly slipping the gorgeous diamond engagement ring onto my finger, followed by my wedding band, I closed my eyes as I imagined Gabe’s arms around me once more.

Sniffling sadly, I climbed out of bed and went into my bathroom. Drawing myself a hot bubble bath, I carefully sat down in the water and laid my head back thinking about all the good times Gabe and I shared. They definitely outweigh the bad but for some reason, we couldn’t make it work like I thought we could. After the twins were born, shit went south quick. Gabe’s band picked up a lot of fans, quickly and before I knew it they had recorded their second album and released it and my Husband was gone all the time.

I understood that when I first laid eyes on him that he wouldn’t be around a lot but what I didn’t understand was how hard it would be on me once I got attached and how much harder it would be once we had children. I’m watching the twins grow up without their Father, sure they video chat with him and talk to him over the phone and what not but it’s not what I wanted for the boys or for Gabe.

I then started to resent Gabe, I started blaming everything that went wrong on him, I stopped talking to him, then one night we started to fight and I brought up a divorce, Gabe stopped all his actions, his brown eyes glared at me and he said, ‘You got it, Kacie Aron.’ Since then, nothing has been the same.

Sammie shuttles the boys between my house and Gabe’s when he’s in town so we don’t have to see each other. Our friends are careful not to talk about Gabe and I at all, it’s like they’re walking on egg shells and it’s not fair to them. None of this has been easy on anyone. Luckily, the boys are young enough to not truly understand what exactly is going on and they’re happy, like any two year olds should be.

Opening my teary eyes, I stood up and dried myself off before draining the water and getting dressed. Leaving the Penthouse suite that Gabe and I temporarily called home before our wedding, I quickly made my way over to Sammie and Alex’s Brooklyn apartment, still in tears and wearing my rings.

Lifting my hand, I knocked softly on the door and waited patiently for one of the two to answer. Slowly, the door opened and Alex stood there with a sleepy face and wearing his PJ’s. Eyeing me sadly, he reached forward and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder.

“He’s here, Kacie,” Alex whispered to me cautiously.

Lifting my head from his shoulder, I looked into the apartment only to see Gabe stand up from their couch, “It’s ok, Alex,” Gabe assured me, “I should get back to the apartment,” He insisted, “My Dad needs to get home and the boys are probably causing him hell,” Gabe cleared his throat then grabbed his keys from the coffee table.

Walking over, he avoided eye contact with me as he walked by me and out of the apartment but as he left, I caught a glimpse of his left hand only to notice that, he too, was wearing his wedding band. After he was gone, Alex looked at me then nodded his head, “You two,” He muttered as he walked away from me and into his apartment, “You two are so fucking head strong that it isn't even funny, it’s getting out of hand. Now that your divorce is final and there’s nothing left to fight about, you two miss each other.”

I frowned as I closed the door and walked over to the couch, sitting in the same spot Gabe was just occupying, “What do you mean?” I muttered.

“I mean, you miss your Husband and your Husband misses his Wife.” He said bluntly, “I don’t know why you two just didn’t go to marriage counseling and tried to work out your problems, you both love each other to the point that it hurts and you two will never get over each other.”

“Where’s Sammie?” I wondered.

“She flew out to Paris this morning, she left you a message on your phone.”

I bit my lip, “I don’t have my phone, Ian dropped it into the toilet this morning and it quit working, I didn’t have time to go to the phone store to get a new one.” I kicked my shoes off then pulled my knees up to my chest, “You don’t mind if I stay here tonight, do you?” I asked.

“No,” He gave me a gentle smile, “You can stay here,” He assured me, “What about your boy toy? Won’t he be worried about you?”

I frowned deeply, “Leave Carter out of this, please.” I ordered.

“I’m going to bed, Kacie,” Alex stood up and walked over to me, kissing the top of my head, “The guest room is made up, you know where the wine and liquor is, help yourself, and make yourself at home. Good night.”

“Good night,” I whispered back then walked as he started towards the hall, “Alex … thank you.”

“For what?” He asked but didn’t look back at me as he continued his short walk to the master room.

“Being here for me,” I clarified.

“It’s what friends do, Kacie.” He assured me then he disappeared into his and Sammie’s bedroom.

Not knowing how much time had passed by as I sat there in the living room but it only seemed like minutes to me when I decided that I didn’t need to be here. Grabbing my keys, I left the apartment silently, careful not to let Alex know then I drove around New York City for a while before I found myself at a familiar door.

Knocking so softly that I wasn’t sure anyone would hear it, I lowered my hand and waited for a moment and just as I started to walk away, the door opened, “Kacie?” Gabe’s voice asked softly.

Stopping, I turned around and looked at the tall man who still has my heart safely secured in his back pocket, “I just wanted to check on the boys,” I lied.

“Oh,” He cleared his throat then looked over his shoulder and into the apartment we bought together and he ended up with, “I just got Eddie to fall asleep,” He said simply, “But, they’re in their room if you want to go kiss them good night.”

“Can I?”

He frowned, “They’re your kids too, Kacie, I’m not going to say no to you kissing them good night,” He said harshly but it wasn’t like he was mad, he sounded more hurt than anything.

I forced a soft smile then I walked into the apartment and maneuvered my way towards the twins room, noticing the moving boxes but not commenting on them. Once I was in the boys’ room I saw that they weren’t in their own beds but instead were sleeping together in Ian’s bed, cuddled up with each other. Laughing quietly to myself, I walked over and adjusted their covers on their bodies before kissing each other them on their cheeks then left their room.

“You know,” Gabe started as I came out of the hallway, “They cried all night my Dad said,” He informed me, “Those two, they don’t understand what’s going on but they do understand that Mom and Dad aren’t together anymore. When I got home, I managed to rock Ian to sleep but Eddie didn’t want any part of it, he kept crying for you and what do I tell a two year old?” He asked, “That Mom doesn’t live here anymore, that I don’t love his Mother anymore, that I wasn’t man enough to keep our marriage going?” He frowned, “When we were at the lawyers officer today, something deep down hurt so fucking bad … when was love not enough for us anymore?” He asked me, “I’m serious, Kacie, when did it all fall apart?”

I shrugged but said nothing for fear I would break out into tears.

“We let the bad things get in the way of the good things. We had our health, we had our boys, we had our love but we let stupid shit get in the way. Now what?” He grumbled, “You’re fucking a kid and I’m getting piss drunk stupid every night.”

“Carter…”

“Is twenty one and young and good looking, I know.”

I cleared my throat and shook my head, “No,” I muttered, “He’s good, Gabriel, you shouldn’t be mad at him.”

“Why? He’s fucking my Wife and there’s nothing I can do about it and he’s around my boys more than I am.”

“That’s not his fault, Gabe …”

“No, I guess it isn’t,” He ran his hands over his face, “I miss the fun times, Kacie, back before we were married, back before the miscarriage, back when I was the only one who knew that I loved you. At least back then there wasn’t heartache like this, there was no fear of losing you because if you did leave I was so cold that I would’ve fucked a few chicks and gotten over you but now… “ He licked his lips, “Every time I hear Ian talk, I think you or when he demands that I cuddle with him in the middle of the day for no reason at all, I think of you. Then Eddie, when he throws his attitude around, I think of you and your boss lady ways when you’re at work. The boys look like me, yeah, but they are every bit of you too.” He looked away, “I’m not that cold asshole I once was, I realize that now, it only took the demise of my marriage to figure it out but I get it. I’m twenty nine and I just lost the one thing in life that I was so sure that I wouldn’t have growing up …” Gabe cleared his throat, “I’m the man I swore to my teenage self I would never be.”

Reaching up, I wiped away some tears off of my cheeks before opening my mouth to say something but I changed my mind mid-thought and closed my mouth. Gabe stared at me sadly, “Tell me where I went wrong,” He whispered, “It couldn’t possibly be that I tour, I toured ten times more than I do now when you met me.”

“I don’t know, Gabe, it’s not like I woke up one morning and thought ‘Hey, I hate my Husband’.” I pointed out, “It was a bunch of little things that turned into one big fight and that big fight ended everything.”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s too little too late but I truly am sorry for all the shit that I did or didn’t do. If it means anything to you, you’ll always have my heart and my love.”

“I know, Gabriel.” I confirmed, “I’ll always love you, too.” I whispered.

He licked his lips then looked around the living room, “I’m moving,” He informed me, “Selling the apartment, I can’t live here anymore.” He shrugged his shoulders then looked up at the large, blown up picture of us on our Wedding Day, “We had our good times, didn’t we?”

“Definitely,”

“Can I ask you something, not to be rude or anything but just out of curiosity?”

“What?”

“Carter,” He whispered, “Is he good to you?” He wondered, “I mean I know he’s there for you but is he a good boyfriend, does he do the little things like hold doors open for you, call you beautiful versus hot, kiss you on the forehead or cheek just because he knows you like it…”

“Yes,” I lied.

He pointed to me then nodded his head, “You’re lying, Aron.” He said simply, “You must love him, right?”

“I care for him,”

“He’s a kid, Kacie. When I was twenty one, I wanted nothing to do with relationships or kids, I didn’t want to be held down, what makes you think he’s any different?” He wondered, “How do you know he’s not out cheating on you right now.”

“Same way I knew you didn’t cheat on me, I just know, I trust him,” I whispered but truth is, I don’t know. I know that Carter didn’t go home, he probably went out with friends and who knows, maybe he is cheating on me with a girl that actually likes his sex, a girl who isn't looking for anything with depth or a good step-father to her kids, someone not like me.

Walking away from me, Gabe walked to the window and looked out over the Manhattan view, “Is it too late to reconcile?” He asked me, “I’m not saying we need to go get married again but … maybe we can start over, get back to the basics of why we love each other.”

“Gabriel,” I snapped.

“Ok,” He held up his hands then turned around to me, “Just,” He started, “… let’s make love one more time, sort of a goodbye type of deal.”

I licked my lips as I thought about it but before I had time to answer, Gabe walked over and pressed his lips to mine softly, “Don’t think,” He whispered as he took my face between his hands, “Just do,” He added before kissing me passionately and I didn’t have the strength to resist his kiss, I didn’t want to resist his kiss, his touch. I love this man, why would I want to resist this? Even if it is potentially the biggest mistake either of us will ever make.