A Chronicling of Scientific Importancies

"SUPERMAN! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE SUPERMAN! I NEED YOU NOW!" a lonely damsel in distress was yelling, getting mugged by some robber thinking he could take on the Man of Steel.

Out of nowhere, dressed in bright underwear on the outside of his pants, Superman flew down with some form of grace that you would only see with Aquaman chasing after a starfish hooker in a speedo.

"Halt villain!" Without waiting, because he knew the obvious answer, he grabbed and crushed his skull with ease, throwing him aside. "Sorry I took so long. I had to pull Rosie O' Fatass out of a phonebooth again. She sat down and it collapsed around her, trapping herself in it for the third time in one month... anyway, are you hurt or anything? Because I am pretty busy today." The woman smiled seductively.

"Oh, Superman... how about you show me... your Balls of Steel." Superman jumped back, screaming.

"Ew! GOD NO!" and flew off into the sky. The woman just shrugged, then spoke.

"Eh, Spiderman liked to shoot his web at me, am I not good enough?" Superman flew through the clouds and through a Sealth Bomber, it exploded, everyone died.. moving on. "What a crazy whore. Not as crazy as Lois on her period though... eating chocolate flavored condoms... ugh..."

He shrugged and looked down, seeing a seemingly stranded seven-year-old boy, screaming at the top of his lungs. "By the gods, today is a cruel day... CHILDREN?!" As he wondered why he had to be plagued with watching over the city of Me-fucking-tropolis, he slammed into the sidewalk, making sure to look all badass; however, at the high speed he was going, plush ; however, at the high speed he was going, plus with the hard landing... it only caused about 100,000 dollars worth of damage.. but no worries, Superman has no plan on paying for it... cheep bastard.

"SUPERMAN! SUPERMAN! THEY ate my daddy! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! PLEASE!" He clung to Superman's leg, sobbing into his underwear. Superman groaned as he tried getting the kid's head off.

"Awwwh... this was my favorite pair too! Screw your dad, kid. I'm going home to change. That's what you get for ruining someone's expensive clothes. By the way, if they ALREADY ate him, not much I can do about it. Wait, how did you get away?" The kid was crying again. Sniffling, he answered.

"When they tackled him and started eating him, I ran." Superman began to laugh hysterically.

"Wow, what a pansy." He jumped and flew into the sky, the impact of the jump was so strong, it sent the kid flying into a tree, where his neck broke and THEY ate him.

"Ah shit. I got to stop doing that. Well, good thing I'm a newspaper journalist. I can just make up stuff about how some idiot thug did it, write how I was a split second too late. No one will hate me, I tried. Everyone's happy. I'm concerned about "Them" though. They can actually challenge my super-amazing-godly-fuck-you-power! Laaaame. It's going to be a long weekend, I can tell that for sure." Superman flew into a phonebooth with somehow no one seeing it and changed back to his normal self.

"Hah, I am so glad everyone here is so fucking stupid. I mean honestly, how has NO ONE noticed I change in these things?! You can see right through them! Man, a pair of glasses is sure disguising." Superman, now dressed as Journalist Mr. Clark Kent, took the elevator up to the top floor. "Ah, Good Morning, EVERYBODY! Today is going to be a great day to write some news! Haha, Bary, what's up, man?!" Everyone pretended to smile as he walked by, and when he finished shaking Bary's hand, he walked to his desk. Bary mumbled something about child molesting as Clark Kent's employer broke into the room.

"Guys! I got SHIT for brains and I need to know who Superman really is! Know what that means? That means all you little pawns have to do the work for me while I take credit! Oh, by the way, he who finds out who he is... they get half a million pieces of candy. Good luck!" The journalist's resident crackhead, Dan Gleebles walked up to the employer.

"Like, I totally know who Superman is!" Everyone waited in anticipation, Clark sweating slightly. "It's you dude. You fucking dress up in Superman, put on a jetpack, take 'roids, and go beat the shit out of people thinking they're doing bad shit! Where's my candy? I'm hungry." He frowned after he said that. The employer grew quiet... he trembled in fear.

"My God, it all makes sense now! Blind rage from 'roids! That's why I don't remember! I can't live with myself like this!" He ran to the nearest window and jumped off. Dan Gleebles ran after him.

"Noooooo!" he yelled, but it was too late. He was already dead. "No... damn it... DAMN IT!" He slammed his fist. "I wanted my candy.."

"Well that was just about the stupidest thing that I've ever seen, ever. My god. Candy to find out who Superman is? Oh boy! What an awesome employer!" Suddenly, gas poured into the room from conveniently placed jugs all over the ceiling. Once it stopped, everyone passed out and died. Joker walked in with a sadistic grin, pleasant at the sight of death.

"I got you now, Batman!" He shouted, as he looked around the room and saw Superman's dead body. "Wait, this is Superman's office... damn it! This is the second time this MONTH that I've killed a super hero that's not Batman. Last week, I killed Aquaman... the retard was trying to hump a starfish... wait, who am I talking to?" The Joker turned to the exit and left the room.

Aaron: "Hello, we are here to educate you. Today's moral is: please, make sure you have the right building you want to gas. Even if you ARE killing the worst superhero of all time, stick to your canon."

Kyo(AKA Michael): "Seriously, Man of Steel, my ASS! He got killed by GAS! Aaron... no adding bad puns in my quote of me saying something..." (Aquaman is worse than Superman)