Please Just Try

“C’mon!”

I hear coming from the other room as I lay in bed reading a book.

“Ugh! C’mon!” I hear yet again. I was starting to get nervous, I knew what was going on and I felt awful. My husband was out in the living room desperately trying to get his eyes to see. I got up off the bed and carefully walked out into the living room. Michael was sitting in the chair with his head in his hands. He put his head up, with his eyes still closed, and said,

“Please, God. I promise, I’ll do anything, just let me see when I open my eyes!” I watched him open his eyes.

“Fuck!” he yelled, so I just walked over to him and took his hands in mine.

“Babe can I sit with you?” I asked and he nodded feeling for my hips and sitting me into his lap.

“I’m sorry you heard that Rayne.” he said laying his head against my chest and I put my hand on his head stroking his hair.

“Don’t be sorry Michael, if I could, I’d do anything to get your sight back. As we sat there I thought back to when it started.

”Fuck Moose, could you like actually go through a song today without messing up?” Matt yelled at Michael.

“Dude I’m sorry, everything keeps getting blurry, and I don’t know why.” he said after messing up on the fifth song in a row. He’d been having trouble seeing, and it was only getting worse.

“Stop making fucking excuses and just work.” Padge said glaring at him.

“Shut the fuck up Padge, give him a god damn break.” I spat at Padge.

“Fuck you Rayne.” he said back at me

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Michael yelled back at him and everyone started yelling and screaming.

“Everyone shut the hell up!” Rhian yelled and we all became quiet. Michael and I quickly left after that, soon after I convinced him to go to a doctor to see about his sight.

Things quickly went from bad to worse after that. We found out that he was most definitely going to lose his sight. About two months later he lost his sight all together, it broke all of our hearts.

That was about six months ago. Since then the band has taken a break, we were all trying to figure out what we were going to do. Moose just wanted to see because the doctors told him eventually he might get his sight back. He has been trying to get it back for all these months.

I rubbed his back and put my chin on the top of his head. I loved being in his lap in his arms it was my safe place. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and inhaled his smell. It was cologne and shampoo and other scents that were just him. I was about to bring up a sore subject, and I was hoping he wouldn’t get to angry.

“Love, the band needs you to see if you can still play.” I said keeping my eyes closed waiting for him to say something. I felt his back rise high and he gently pushed me off his lap, I sat on the couch and looked up at him.

“Why? So I can try and fail, it’s not going to work. I’m fucking blind. Who ever heard of a god damn blind drummer? Huh?” He raised his voice and I just looked down.

“You could at least try Michael. They need you. It’s Matt, Jay, Padge, and Moose, not Matt, Jay, Padge, and some random drummer. Bullet is your life, your friends and family need you to try.” I said trying to knock some sense into him.

“Not today.” he said and walked away, and it was a good thing he knew the house well, otherwise he probably would have fell.

I was sitting here with Rhian, Taylor, and Catrina at Rhians house. It’d been two weeks since I’d asked Michael to try using his drums again. Everyone was getting annoyed and worried. They wanted him to try, and if he didn’t they were going to have to replace him. That was something none of them wanted to, or were willing to do.

“Rayne, you have to get Moose to do it.” Catrina said.

“Yea the guys are fucking stressed out dear.” Taylor added.

“It’s really worrying.” Rhian said and I just groaned and rolled my eyes. I know that they were having a tough time, but really? Like they could possibly imagine how it was to live in my household.

“I know guys. Ok I fucking getting it, it’s not like it’s that easy. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your husband struggle everyday. See him and ask ‘Why? Why him?” My husband can’t see. He can’t fucking see. I’m trying to get him to try and use his drums again, and when he wants to he will. Trust me guys, I want and need this more than you do.” I said and they just kind of looked the other way.

“Rayne we’re sorry. We know this is hard for you two more than it is us. We just want all the guys to be good.” Rhian said. I was unbelievably mad at them, I know they weren’t trying to upset me, but it did upset me. I sat there in the chair with my legs crossed, and my hand on my forehead. I loved Rhian and Padges’ house; it was homey, smelt like cinnamon and just a great place to be. But at that moment I just really didn’t want to be there. Right then Matt, Padge, and Jay walked into the house.

“What’s going on ladies?” Jay asked sitting next to Catrina.

“Oh you know, just pissing off Rayne.” Catrina said trying to laugh it off.

“Why would you wanna do that?” Matt asked, and I just kind of looked the other way.

“We were bugging her about Moose.” Taylor said looking at Matt.

“Oh.” he said. I couldn’t handle being there. I stood up, grabbed my purse slung it over my shoulder and looked at them.

“I’m going to go see my husband. I’ll talk to you guys later.” I said and walked the other way, the only sound you could here was my heels hitting the floor. I practically sped home, I just wanted to see Michael. I pulled into our driveway, got out of the car and walked into the house. When I walked into the front door, I heard weird noises coming from the living room. I was a little nervous not know what I would find. When I walked into the living room Michael was sitting in front of the TV, and what I saw on it literally made my mouth drop.

“OH MY GOD! Michael what the fuck? I know you can’t see but do you know that you have child porn on the TV?!” I asked not believing it, and he jumped hearing my voice.

“Fuck! Are you serious oh my god, change the god damn channel for me! I’ve been sitting here for the past five minutes trying to figure out what it was. Ugh, that’s so fucking gross, who puts that shit on TV.” he said as I took the remote from him and shut the TV off.

“Well what exactly were you trying to watch.” I said throwing the remote on the couch and sitting down in our worn down chair.

“Oh ha ha Rayne very fucking funny. Who gives a shit anyways it’s not like I can see. You know I just want to fucking watch what I want when I want.” he said and grabbed the remote throwing it across the room hitting the TV and cracking it.

“God damnit Moose! Really?” I said getting up and punching his leg. “You know what I’m sick of this shit. I know you can’t see and I’m sorry, but guess what you’re getting up off your ass and sitting in front of your drum kit and playing. Don’t say ‘oh I can’t, I can’t see’, because I don’t wanna fucking hear it alright. If you can’t do it, then fine you can’t do it, and the guys can find someone else to play the drums for them. I can’t sit here anymore and let you just worry about it, they need to know. I know I sound like a bitch and I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”

“You know it’s not going to work. Who ever heard of a blind drummer? Just let the guys find someone else, why even try?” he said putting his arms over his eyes.

“Why not! Why not just try and play your drums, maybe you’ll be the first one then. You can go on and play and be great, all your fans will be so happy and you can be happy. I know you would be baby, please just try, for me, for us, for the guys, and mostly for yourself. Now get off your ass and go, now. We need this, we all need this.” I said and pulled him up by his hands, leading him to his drums.

I sat him down and gave him his drumsticks. I held his hands why I showed him where everything was so he could get the feel of it. I stood back while he practiced for himself and just got the hang of it, he made a lot of mistakes and got frustrated and wanted to quit.

Over the next few weeks we practiced in secret, not letting anyone know because we didn’t want to give anyone a false hope. It was a process of trial and error and very hard work on his part. I don’t know how many times he wanted to quit. Finally after three weeks he played through ‘Tears Don’t Fall’, without making one mistake.

“Oh my god! Michael, that is so amazing. Ah, see I told you, you could do it!” I said sitting on his lap and kissing him, his hand running up my back and he kissed me back.

“You know it’s only because of you this happened, I did it mostly for you. I wanted you to be proud of me and not think ‘oh look there is my loser husband that sits on his ass everyday.’ I’m glad I did this, let’s show everyone.” he said and kissed my cheek. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the phone dialing Taylor’s number and telling her to get everyone’s asses over here and bring their stuff. I walked back and sat on Michaels lap waiting for everyone to get there.

When everyone got there, they all set up their stuff. I told them we had something amazing for them to see. They played all the way through ‘Tears Don’t Fall’ and Moose didn’t mess up once. When they finished they started yelling and screaming.

“What the fuck dude? You’re holding out on us?” Matt said with a big ass grin on his face, and slapped him on the back.

“Well it’s the only song I can play through all the way without messing up, but I’ve been trying.” Michael said and the guys started talking about doing working on the new album when he was up to it. Rhian, Taylor, and Catrina came over to me.

“Why didn’t you tell us he was working on it?” Rhian asked and I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Because you all had sticks up your asses about it, and I didn’t want to tell you about it, just to have you bug me more. I didn’t want to put more pressure on him than I had to.” I told them and they all agreed that it made sense.

After that the guys continued to work with him on it. Going through the same song fifteen times if they had to, it took a couple of months but soon he had all the songs down just right. They announced that they’d be coming out with a new album soon. Even though nobody thought, including himself, that Michael could be a drummer for a very popular rock band while being blind, he proved them all wrong.

He was great at drumming now, better than most. Michael being blind was and obstacle he over came greatly. When we think of things that never were, or that could never be now, we just ask ourselves, ‘Why not?’