Sometimes I Don't Know What To Do
07 - 05 - 10
Today, my mom is talking to me still about rehab... She expects me to give up looking for a job and go to rehab. WTH?! She used to yell at me for always asking her for money, but I don't anymore because simply she usually didn't have enought to spare for me or she thought I was going to drink it away. Well... I guess I'll stop my short rant now. I think she's bi-polar.
How are you guys today? Today I also found out that I have a tonsil infection[isn't that charming? no it isn't...don't answer that]. Now I have to take penicillin. I was super scared that they would have to take my tonsil out or something... anyways, How are you?
I started what I said I'd do more of and write in my journals and write about rainbows and butterflies and bake cakes with unicorns... you know, stuff. Write from pen to paper and all that jazz. It's really nice actually, my thoughts are producing better than either spacing in front of my laptop. My sweet hospital bracelet is starting to chafe my wrist... oww.
MY EARS!! My mom just put in a rap album while we're waiting for our driver to get back. I am dying on the inside.
Rainbows and butterflies, Jesyka.
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[this letter is what I wrote to my mom. It is very mean and realized that after I wrote it.. so I didn't actually give it to her. But it is part of what I wrote that day when I got home from the hospital.]
Mom I need your help. Quit running away from your problem, me. You know I don't know how to start things off by myself and that I almost always come to you for advice... but you're always unwilling to give or share it with me. I'm trying to make thins better but you aren't letting me. I get it if you'd rather bond with Corina because she doesn't talk back like I do, but you can't keep doing this to me. I'm probably writing this to myself because you will probably drop this after the second sentence. I do try at least once everyday to get your attention, but you never look. I gave up telling you serious things because you'd laugh at me. You know I stopped going to school because of you were never here? Well now you do. And now that you are back I'm always sick, but you never notice. I don't hate you anymore, so don't piss yourself. I've let that go. So all I'm asking is that you let me get away from you for awhile. I miss the days when it was just me and sunny alone in the apartment. Now you're back and Sunny doesn't have a reason to be scared anymore. Just help me, please?
Jess.
GONE OUT. BE BACK LATER, I PROMISE.
I didn't actually give this to her. after this chapter is posted I'm ripping up the original and calling my auntie myself instead of waiting around for my mom to be a mom. If she can't respect my happiness then I'll do it by myself.
How are you guys today? Today I also found out that I have a tonsil infection[isn't that charming? no it isn't...don't answer that]. Now I have to take penicillin. I was super scared that they would have to take my tonsil out or something... anyways, How are you?
I started what I said I'd do more of and write in my journals and write about rainbows and butterflies and bake cakes with unicorns... you know, stuff. Write from pen to paper and all that jazz. It's really nice actually, my thoughts are producing better than either spacing in front of my laptop. My sweet hospital bracelet is starting to chafe my wrist... oww.
MY EARS!! My mom just put in a rap album while we're waiting for our driver to get back. I am dying on the inside.
Rainbows and butterflies, Jesyka.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
[this letter is what I wrote to my mom. It is very mean and realized that after I wrote it.. so I didn't actually give it to her. But it is part of what I wrote that day when I got home from the hospital.]
Mom I need your help. Quit running away from your problem, me. You know I don't know how to start things off by myself and that I almost always come to you for advice... but you're always unwilling to give or share it with me. I'm trying to make thins better but you aren't letting me. I get it if you'd rather bond with Corina because she doesn't talk back like I do, but you can't keep doing this to me. I'm probably writing this to myself because you will probably drop this after the second sentence. I do try at least once everyday to get your attention, but you never look. I gave up telling you serious things because you'd laugh at me. You know I stopped going to school because of you were never here? Well now you do. And now that you are back I'm always sick, but you never notice. I don't hate you anymore, so don't piss yourself. I've let that go. So all I'm asking is that you let me get away from you for awhile. I miss the days when it was just me and sunny alone in the apartment. Now you're back and Sunny doesn't have a reason to be scared anymore. Just help me, please?
Jess.
GONE OUT. BE BACK LATER, I PROMISE.
I didn't actually give this to her. after this chapter is posted I'm ripping up the original and calling my auntie myself instead of waiting around for my mom to be a mom. If she can't respect my happiness then I'll do it by myself.
♠ ♠ ♠
this chapter is kind of angsty.. i know. but a lot happened that day and I was a bit drugged up from the prescription the doctor gave me. yesterday I was in bed all day. and today i'm going out tonight. rainbows and butterflies, Jesyka.