Have We Gone Too Far?

“Please tell me I’m imagining this,” Cole said as he ran his hands through his silky hair.

Why did it have to be him? Of all people! Him! I am so dead! Any chance of getting with him is gone; I’ll just be a stupid sex obsessed kid to him now. Everything we had! It’s ruined!

“YOU’RE A BLOODY SCHOOL KID!” he shouted at me.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“Sorry! Sorry! I could lose my job for this! What were you thinking?” he yelled.

“I wasn't thinking,” I whispered, feeling extremely embarrassed. “I only realized when it was too late.”

“Don’t you kids have any self control?” he said as he tried to sort all of this out in his head.

“But you’re the one who came onto me,” I said weakly because I was scared of how he might react. “I was going to tell you but... I was scared.”

He looked at me closely and noticed the tears collecting in my eyes.

“I was an idiot Cole and... and...” I stuttered as the tears fell down my face.

I felt his arms wrap around me for support. I like being close to him; being able to breathe in his sweet aroma.

“It’s okay,” he whispered unsurely into my ear as I cried on his shoulder.

“I swear, I was going to tell you.”

“It’s alright Zack. I believe you,” he said, seemingly calm now.

His body was tense around mine and I knew we were both trying to fight back the urges to turn this hug into something more.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked in a serious voice as we separated. “About us?”

As soon as his body left mine I felt weak again, like I was unable to do anything without breaking out into tears.

“No,” I sniffed.

“Let’s keep it that way then,” he said nervously.

Pleasure, I don’t particularly want anyone to find out about this. One: he’s male. Two: he’s my bloody teacher! “So... what happens now then?” I asked, shaking all over.

He let out a deep sigh and sat down on the seat behind his desk.

“We forget that it ever happened,” he answered harshly.

I felt like I’d been kicked hard in the gut. Forget! How can I forget? I quickly tried to compose myself; I didn’t need any more tears today. Deep breaths. In and out; nice and slowly; calm down Zack.

“Okay,” I muttered miserably.

“So... I’m Mr. Sanders and you must be Zachery Mondale. Do you have a nick name or anything like that that you’d rather I called you?”

“Zacky,” I mumbled.

I wrapped my arms around my chest as I sat on the seat opposite him, trying to shield my broken heart.

“Zacky, why do you think you’ve been sent to see me?” he asked softly.

I don’t know. Why should I even bother to answer? There’s no point anymore. But, the sooner I speak, the sooner I’ll be out of here.

“My form teacher’s just worried about me,” I grumbled so much that he barely heard a word I said.

After my words had sunk into him he looked at me oddly and nodded.

“Why’s he worried about you?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Have you done something you wouldn’t normally do? Have you been distracted or upset?” he asked me.

I have been acting differently lately and I’ve been distracted and I’ve been crying constantly for no reason. But that’s none of your business!

“No,” I said bluntly.

“I’ve heard you’ve been drinking around school,” he said as softly as he could manage.

What am I meant to say now? He’s right; of course he’s right; guys like him don’t get stuff wrong.

Mr. Baker said that was going to be our secret. Liar!

“Why Zacky?” he asked me.

I didn’t even answer him when he asked if I was drinking in the first place. That just proves that he already knows everything, so I don’t see why he needs to question me like this.

“I don’t know.”

“I know you walked out during your maths lesson. Did something happen while you were in there?” he said, staring right at me, making this moment even more uncomfortable for me than it was already. “Did someone hurt you?”

“No.”

“Did someone say something to you?”

“Not exactly,” I whispered.

I looked up and saw his supportive smile and couldn’t help but slightly grin back at him. He’s so gorgeous, why did he have to work here? We could have been perfect together, well, until he found out how young I was.

His hand gently touched my knee and I knew he was going to help me to sort out whatever I have to say. That gave me enough encouragement and confidence to start talking.

“These guys were talking crap about me,” I whispered. “And, I couldn’t... deal with it. It happens all the time and... I can’t take it anymore,” I sniffed back the tears that once again were forming in my eyes. “I know I shouldn’t listen and I know they’re just jealous of me but they don’t even know what they’re talking about.” Cole nodded at me with a hard to read expression on his face. Who knows what he could be thinking? “I sort of screwed up in PE and now they’re saying that I’ve finally been knocked down a level and that I shouldn’t be so arrogant because I’m rubbish at everything. But they don’t know anything about me! Some people even think I’m rich and I’m a spoilt brat but my mum and dad don’t give a toss about me. No one cares,” I cried as my breathing weakened.

“What makes you think that your mum and dad don’t care?”

I’ve let too much freaking slip out already! What’s wrong with me? What do I say now? Well sir, they grounded me once and I didn’t deserve it because I'm a good boy so now I hate them. That wouldn’t make me sound like a spoilt brat at all.

“I don’t know,” I whispered firmly to let him know I wanted him to drop the subject.

“Okay then,” he sighed. “Do you want to leave it at that for today?” he asked me.

I nodded weakly at him, struggling to find my words again. That’s been happening a hell of a lot lately. I suppose I’ve been thinking too much about stuff I tend not to worry about and now I’ve filled the part of my brain that works out what I'm going to say with that sort of stuff: If you get what I mean.

“Okay then. You can come back same time tomorrow and we’ll carry on from where we left off. Is that alright?”

“Suppose,” I whispered.

He looked at me for a moment and then passed me a tissue. I smiled weakly at him to let him know it was appreciated.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You can stay a bit longer if you need to calm down,” he told me.

“I’ll be fine,” I mumbled as I stood up and headed for the door. “Bye,” I whispered so quietly that I doubt he even heard me.

As soon as I was outside of the room I let out a deep breath. What have I done? He’s going to work everything out. I know he is. But Cole wouldn’t tell anyone, would he?

I let a tear fall down my cheek when I realized that Cole isn’t Cole anymore. He’s Mr. Sanders now, which means me and him will never be together again. Forget it ever happened, how could I ever do that? I bloody love the guy!

Love? God, I’m in deep now. What the hell am I going to do?

A few more tears trickled down my face as I walked towards the boys’ toilets so I had somewhere to be on my own without anyone seeing or bothering me. I need to just cry this off. Let the tears do their thing and then just get on with it. I don’t know how I’ll be able to do that, but I’ll manage, I know I will.

I sat down in the cubicle. Not moving; barely breathing; trying to stop thoughts corrupting my head. I feel so alone at the moment. I can’t talk to my friends or family about the things that are bothering me and I don’t like having to say things to Cole, I mean Mr. Sanders.

I cuddled my legs up to my chest when I started thinking about him. I need him. I need him as Cole though, not Mr. Sanders. I let out a cry of agony when I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It felt like my heart was breaking into millions of little pieces that’ll never be put together again. It felt like everything was going to fall apart and there’ll be nothing I can do about it. It felt like my entire life was about to come crashing down around me.

How could I let this happen to me?

I jumped and tried to slow my breathing when I heard someone walk into the toilets. He was on his own and I was able to recognize him instantly. Jake.

I wondered why he was out of lessons but then I remembered we were in the toilets and I sort of guessed why he’d need to leave lessons to be in here. I hoped he wouldn’t realize anyone was in here, but I knew he would. Jake has amazing ears. Seriously, there’s no sound that they wouldn’t be able to pick up.

“Hello,” I heard him say. “Who’s in there?” he asked as he started knocking on the door of the cubicle I’m in.

Please just go away! I don’t want anyone seeing me like this. Who would? I tried to wipe some of my tears away and then got up and prepared myself for facing Jake. I really don’t want him to see me like this. Usually if I’m upset and someone finds out it’ll be Beth or Kyle who find me. They reacted really odd because they’re not used to me being like that. I’m the big tough overly confident Mr. Popular. I’m not meant to cry.

I opened the door and stepped out next to Jake. He stared at me looking shocked and pretty confused.

“Erm... Are you alright?” he asked awkwardly.

“Yeah. Never better,” I sniffed.

“You, er, don’t look alright,” he mumbled, trying not to look directly at me.

“Then again, I never was a good liar,” I choked out, forcing more tears to fall down my face.

What’s wrong with me? Jay will never look at me the same way again after all this.

“What’s got you like this, man?” he asked in a way that was caring for his standards.

“It doesn’t matter,” I sighed.

“Are you ill or something? No one’s died have they?”

I shook my head at him not wanting to risk forcing more tears to come out.

“So what’s wrong?”

“Just leave it Jay,” I hissed tearfully. “I’m alright.”

He looked at me as if he didn’t know what to do, he knew something was wrong; obviously, but he didn’t know if he should try and work out what it was.

“Do you need me to get someone?” he asked me sounding concerned.

“NO!” I shouted. “Sorry," I muttered, instantly regretting snapping at him. "I’m just having a bad day.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, it’s alright,” I sighed trying to pull myself together. “I’ll be fine in a minute or two.”

He gave me a look as if he was trying to see right through me to read what I was thinking. I didn’t like that look at all. It made me feel worse than I was already feeling.

“Will you text me when you’re back in your lesson? Just so I know you’re alright?”

“Sure,” I sighed.

A slight smiled spread across my face when I realized that Jake cares about me too. Mr. Baker, Beth, Kyle and now Jake, maybe people do care about me. Maybe I’m not as alone as I thought.