Have We Gone Too Far?

I ended up going to the office to see if I could leave school early to see dad. I obviously didn’t use that excuse though; I told them I was feeling sick and, well, I had the dull and dismal look you need to get them to believe you. I suppose I have Mr. Sanders to thank for that, without him I wouldn’t have seemed miserable enough to be allowed to leave.

Unfortunately, my stupid parents were out again. Seriously, why did they ask me to get home early if they’re not even going to be there themselves? The school wouldn’t let me walk back either. Typical! I’m going to be stuck here. This is so unfair!

“Is there anyone else we could get to come and pick you up?” the receptionist asked me.

“No,” I mumbled vulnerably.

I really need to get out of here because if I don’t I’ll end up breaking down again and there’s no chance of me risking that.

The sick room I had to wait in was driving me crazy. All of the walls were the exact same boring plain white color and there was no decoration or even color in the room at all. As I was trying to stop myself going insane, someone peeped through the door making me smile, even though I desperately didn’t want to. He broke my heart and now I’m smiling at him. If you haven’t already guessed, it was Cole.

“What’s up Zacky?” he asked in a cheerful voice, still standing in the doorway.

“Feel sick,” I whispered to him.

“Are you sure that’s why you want to leave?” he asked as he came down and sat beside me.

“Yes,” I hissed at him.

“Okay then,” he said a little taken back by my sharp tone. “When are you getting picked up?”

I gave him a look as if to say ‘butt out’ but I ended up telling him anyway.

“No one’s at home so I’m stuck in this dump,” I said harshly.

“There’s no need for that,” he laughed. “You should be grateful to still be in this dump as you put it,” he said, still laughing. “Mr. Baker’s told me about some of the things you’ve gotten up to here. Consider yourself lucky mate.”

“I’m not your mate,” I whispered lowly but he didn’t hear me, so I crossed my arms to once again try and protect my heart from him, I wasn't going to let him get to me.

“Do you want me to see if I can give you a lift home? I’ve got a free period now and you don’t seem up to being here, do you?”

“Do what you like,” I mumbled.

He walked out for a moment and then came back in with his coat and bag.

“I'm surprised the school is letting you take me,” I hissed at him.

I was determined to make him hurt the way he did to me with the way I spoke to him, but it didn’t look like it was working.

“You’re ill and I’m your only option,” he smiled.

“Is that your way of saying you’re sneaking me out?” I asked sarcastically.

“Pretty much,” he grinned.

“And let me guess, when people start looking for me you’ll just say my dad came and picked me up?”

“That’s the plan!”

He is an idiot. A cute idiot, I’ll give him that. But he’s still an idiot. Does he seriously think he can just take me? Knowing him he probably does.

“So, where do you live?” he asked as I sat down in the passenger seat in his car.

“Cropwell Drive,” I whispered.

“Okay,” he said, knowing that I didn’t want to give him my address.

I didn’t want him to know where I lived last night because I was scared of my mum and dad, but today he’s my teacher and mum and dad aren’t home, so it should be alright; I think.

My stomach started to hurt as I remembered what happened last time we were in his car. I knew this wouldn’t help my heart with its healing process at all: the memories were all coming back.

I started to get nervous and I couldn’t help but fidget. Right now I want to be anywhere but here.

“Are you alright?” he asked me when he noticed what I was doing.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I grunted at him.

I watched as he took a left instead of a right as he was coming out of a junction.

“You’re going the wrong bloody way!” I shouted at him. “Idiot,” I mumbled.

“Look, Zack, we need to talk about last night and I'm not doing that at your house and I'm definitely not doing it at school.”

“Ha! So you’re abducting me now,” I grunted.

He suddenly pulled over at the side of the road.

“Zack,” he sighed. “How do you feel about last night?”

I tried not to look at him, but once our eyes met I had to answer him. I had to speak to him.

“I-I I don’t know,” I stuttered.

“Do you regret it?”

No! Of course I don’t regret it! Why would I?

“A bit,” I whispered.

“Okay,” he whispered. “How do you feel about me?”

I remained silent and managed to move my gaze away from him.

“How do you feel about me being your student mentor?” he asked me.

“Weird,” I admitted.

“And how do you feel right now?”

Scared! Freaking petrified.

“I don’t know,” I grumbled as I noticed how much I was shaking. Cole realized as well.

“You’re nervous,” he told me. “Tell me why,” he insisted. “Please.”

My eyes were looking everywhere now. I knew I was going to end up answering him. I always end up telling him everything. He just has a way of making you spit it all out.

“We... we did s-something last time we were here,” I said nervously.

Why can’t I find my words? I felt like crying again so I had to try to control myself.

“You weren’t ready,” he mumbled. “I'm so sorry. I had no idea how young you were.”

“I was ready!”

“So why are you so uncomfortable now?”

“Because you’re a freaking jerk,” I cried. “I hate you! Don’t you think this is hard for me? So what, you could lose your bloody job. Do you know what all this is doing to my head? It’s driving me crazy. You’re my teacher and we-we...” I burst into tears at that point and completely gave up; he’s probably got the message by now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered putting his arm around me.

“Get off!” I shouted at him.

“I'm sorry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” I whispered.

“Well what do you want then?” he shouted sounding pretty irritated with me.

“I want you Cole.”

I groaned now that I’d admitted it allowed. I hate him so much now, but I love him too. How is that even possible? When you hate everything about someone, why do you still love them?

“Zack,” he sighed, this is when I realized how much of a kid I was to him, and when I knew he was going to try and break it easily to me. He was going to say he didn’t like me back; that I should be with people my own age. Right now I can read him like a book. A book that’s on its final page. “We can’t be together Zack, trust me when I tell you this, we’d never work out.”

“We could try,” I whispered desperately.

“I'm sorry Zack.”

My heart had been torn up into pieces now and it was hurting so much. Why do I keep putting myself in these situations?

“I can walk home from here,” I whispered as I got out of the car, red with embarrassment.

As soon as I was out I started to run in the general direction of my house.

“Zack! Wait!” Cole shouted after me.

I wisely ignored him.

***

I ran and didn’t stop running. The wind was wiping away my tears as it breezed past me, but as soon as one was blown away another was formed to replace it.

Why does my life suck so much?

No one was at home when I got in. Thank God! If they’d seen me like this? I don’t even want to think about what would happen then.

On the dining room table I saw a bottle of red wine; I don’t particularly like it but right now, I need it. I downed what was left of the bottle down in one but it didn’t help at all. My heart was still aching and my head was still racing with thoughts I wanted to get rid of.

What now? I saw some pills on the work top in a bag. I grabbed them and started fiddling with the packet, trying to work out what they were.

“Come on, come on!” I shouted.

What are they? As I was fiddling with the bag in my hands I dropped it and they all fell out onto the floor. Great!

What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I’ll soon find out. I grabbed the pills and two-by-two I swallowed them down, not worrying about the effects they may have on my body.

Now what? I dug my hands into my pocket and pulled out a death stick and started puffing away at it. I was slowly and steadily calming down, but I still felt awful and I probably looked worse than death as well now.

I’m an idiot! What was I thinking?

I'm stupid. What’s the point in me even being here? All I do is suffer. All I’m good at is giving people someone to talk about. Why don’t I just end this now? End it all?

I walked into the kitchen and took out the biggest knife there was in the drawer. Let’s do this. Get it over with.

Tears were crashing down my face now, I felt so weak and desperate. Am I seriously going to do this? Am I really going to end my life?

I held the knife and was about to slit my wrist, but then my mobile starting ringing. My heart raced. Should I answer? I looked at the knife and then over at my phone that I’d gotten out of my pocket and placed on the table.

Answer it! If you don’t your last words will have been with him.

“Hello,” I sniffed trying to sound normal.

“Hi, it’s Beth. Jay said you were a bit upset earlier and you’re not at school now... are you okay?” she asked me. “It’s just, I didn’t even know you left and...”

“I’m fine Beth. Don’t worry everything’s fine.”

“So why aren’t you at school?” she asked sternly.

“I'm ill,” I mumbled, now wanting this conversation to hurry up and finish.

“Okay...”

“I'm going to go and have a lie down. Bye,” I said quickly and then hung up.

I put the knife back in my hands, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to. I needed to. But deep down I know that it’d be the stupidest thing I ever do if I killed myself. I can’t believe I even thought about it now. Suicide! I can’t believe I got so close to killing myself. I almost died tonight!