Have We Gone Too Far?

My mum walked off ahead of us as we made our way out of the hospital. For some reason dad stayed with me. It was as if he was trying to support me for one and part of me was even starting to think that he didn’t mind about me being in trouble with the police for drinking... strange, I know. It was like he was trying to regain my trust again or something. Ever since I told them that I was scared of them he’s been acting like this. A coincidence? Maybe, but I don’t think so. Maybe he doesn’t want me to be scared, but then again, perhaps this is just part of his plan. It could be that as soon as I trust him again he will completely turn on me and betray me. If he did that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.

As it is at the moment I'm struggling to trust people anyway. I mean I trusted my parents, Mr. Baker, Jay and, well, that didn’t go too well for me, did it?

Maybe I should stop telling people things all together. That way no one will ever be able to blow my secrets for me and I’ll probably be a hell of a lot happier. Some people say that not talking to people about things is bad but the reality is that if you decide to tell the wrong person, things could become disastrous for you.

It feels like the only person I’m safe to talk to is Cole, but even with him there are some things that I don’t want him to ever find out about. So really there’s no one for me to talk to about absolutely everything. There’s Zander, I suppose. He’s a great listener and I love talking to him. The only problem is that I barely know him so I'm not one hundred percent sure if I should trust him. Wait, what am I saying? Of course I can trust Zan. He’s... amazing.

Then there’s Beth. She trusts me so much, but do I really trust her. I mean, she believed in me enough to ask me to pretend to be the father of her baby. It must take a hell of a lot of trust to ask someone to do something like that. Looking after a baby is an extremely big deal and if she’s changed her mind about having me as the dad then she’s going to struggle lot to bring up that kid of hers. If she says she doesn’t want me to help, it’ll only be my fault though. I'm the one that damaged the relationship we had; the trust we had between us. If I just told her I was gay she would have understood, but seeing as she heard it from a drunken Jake things may be a bit different. I just wish I couldn’t have been the one to tell her myself.

I wonder how she is right now. After the beating she took for me I can only imagine that she isn't doing too well. Then when I was told that her condition was deteriorating, I knew things were a lot worse than I ever even pictured. She might be dying. Heck, she might be dead for all I know! I need to find out how she is; make sure that she and her baby are alright still.

“D-dad,” I stuttered, worried that the whole nice father routine was just for the benefit of the onlookers in the hospital. “C-could I go check on Beth? I need to know she’s alright,” I told him, really trying my hardest to show some of the pain I was feeling through my voice. “She could be dying it’ll be all my fault,” I whispered.

Did I really want my dad to know that I'm blaming myself for everything that happened? Probably not really, because if this is just an act then he could use that against me in the future, however, right now the whole guilt angle I'm going for might actually work.

“Who’s Beth?” he asked me, standing still to speak.

I smiled when he stopped walking because if he wasn't going to let me see her he would have just kept on walking and drove me straight home.

“She’s my friend dad,” I told him. “And if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be in here fighting for her life.” I wasn't sure too sure how much of what I was telling him was exaggerated because there’s a chance that one of my best friends is actually fighting just to stay alive. She had it a lot worse than I did so it’s highly likely that she’ll suffer more damage.

“Do you know where to find her?” he asked me.

“Yes,” I lied. It can’t be too hard though. I’ll just ask the receptionist and tell them that I'm her brother or something. That way they’ll have to tell me where she is.

“Meet me back here in half an hour,” my dad said sternly.

Oh my God! He’s letting me go! I can’t believe it. My dad? Yes. My dad is letting me do something that Iwant need to do. This is... different, but I'm defiantly going to take full advantage of this little bit of freedom I’ve been given.

“Thanks dad,” I smiled awkwardly, rushing over to the desk that had in big letters ‘reception’ written above it. It was pretty hard to miss to be honest with you.

I went up to the man behind the desk and allowed a panicked expression to spread across my face. Remember, she’s your sister and you’re extremely worried about her. You have to make this believable!

“Excuse me,” I coughed a little. “Could you tell me where Beth Garner’s room is please?” I asked him once I had his attention.

“What relation to her are you?” he asked as he looked through some files on the computer. From the way he was looking at the screen I knew that he wouldn't be checking what answer I gave him. He seemed like he was really fed up and would just like to go home, so I knew he wouldn’t hesitate to give me the information I needed.

“I'm her brother,” I told him with a weak smile on my face.

The man told me her room number obviously believing what I’d just told him. Ha, I'm a much better liar than I thought I was and a lot better than I'm given credit for. Yes! People believe me!

As I was thinking that the man at the desk gave me an odd look. He thinks I'm weird! I can tell. Oh well, I don’t care what he thinks, I thought, smiling as I made my way over to the room where Beth was staying.

The room was by itself in a corridor and I couldn’t see into it due to the lack of windows and the tinted glass on the door. Why would her room be so secluded from everybody else? My heart started racing. This must be really bad! I mean it’s not normal to have one person in an entire corridor!

“Zack,” I heard someone say from behind me making me jump. I really didn’t expect that because I had no idea someone was there. Slowly I turned around and saw Sammie, Beth’s sister, sat on a chair. She had clearly been crying. Her makeup had smudged and ran down her now red and puffy face, plus her eyes were really bloodshot.

“Hi,” I whispered awkwardly, knowing that if I attempted to speak any louder my voice would probably give up on me. Something bad has happened, I'm certain of it. I took a deep breath and realized I had to be the brave one. “Is Beth in there?” I asked, tilting my head towards the only room in the corridor.

“Yeah,” she sniffed. “Mum and dad are with her. They said it’s best that I don’t see her like this,” she said as she started to cry. Tears poured down her face and I began to feel worse than I already did.

“I'm so sorry,” I whispered as I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her face into my chest so she could cry into me. Lightly I patted her back to let her know that I was going to be here for her no matter what happens to Beth. “How is she?” I asked hesitantly.

“Not too good,” she cried. “I think... she m-might d-ie,” she stuttered, literally bawling her eyes out now.

“She’ll be alright,” I said trying to hold back my emotions. “She’s strong and she’s defiantly a fighter,” I told her. “I know she’s going to pull through,” I smiled, hoping that I was right.

“Zack,” she sniffed looking up at me. I know you shouldn’t think this about people but right now she looks really awful. “Did you know Beth was pregnant?”

Crap! What do I say now? Yes, I knew but should I say that I’m the dad? I mean I know I’m not but would Beth want me to say that I am. Beth could.ve changed her mind about having me pretend to be the dad now. After all most of the trust between us is gone now and she knows that I’m gay. Would she want her child having a gay father? God what should I say?

“Erm... yeah,” I sighed. “I knew about the baby.”

When I said that I refused to give her eye contact in case she noticed how guilty I was looking.

“When did she tell you?”

I started to feel really uncomfortable then. Her family clearly didn’t know anything about the baby and now I have to tell her sister the details on pretty much everything I know about it. This is a bit weird for me to be honest; defiantly not a comfortable moment.

“A few days ago,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

It was obvious how nervous I was. I just wish I had an excuse that I could use with Sammie to explain why I'm acting like this. The problem is there’s nothing I can tell her. The truth certainly won’t help! There’s no way I could say that I'm acting awkward because I'm not sure whether or not I should tell you that I'm the father. Telling her that would be plain stupid!

“Did she say w-who the dad was?” she asked me with a very curious look on her face.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

I'm going to have to say it’s mine. What else can I do? If I say it’s anyone else’s then no one in her family would ever treat her the same way. Sure they’d still be mad if they thought it was mine but at least I'm someone she knows really well so they’ll have less reason to hate her because of me.

“I'm the dad,” I sighed looking down at the floor.

I could feel Sammie’s eyes burning into me.

“YOU?” she gasped. “I thought you two were just friends!”

I nodded at her, not really knowing what else to say. It’s not like I can argue with her when what she said was true. Maybe it’s best to just stay quiet and wait and see what happens.

“I didn’t know you liked her like that,” she told me, and then under her breath I heard a slight mumble. “I thought you liked me.”

When I heard her say that I still stayed silent, not really knowing what to say. What can I say? Nothing really. I'm scared that if I do say something though, it’d make the situation worse than it is already.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered after a really long silence.

“Would you prefer it if I didn’t tell my mum and dad?” she asked me.

I nodded instantly which made her laugh a little. I suppose me being scared of probably the greatest parents ever is funny... kind of anyway.

“I have to tell you something,” she mumbled acting even more nervous than I was doing earlier.

“Go on,” I smiled, doing my best to hide how worried I was over what she was going to say to me.

“I know this is going to be hard for you,” she whispered looking like she was about to start crying all over again.

“I can handle it,” I told her, not showing any of my uncertainty in my voice. I have no idea what she’s going to say so I can’t really put a guarantee on how I'm going to take it.

“She lost the baby.”

My mouth dropped open and all I could do right then was stare at her as I tried to convince myself that what she just said was just a practical joke. The baby can’t be dead... It just can’t be. Life shouldn’t be allowed to end so soon. It can’t be gone.

As the news started to settle in I shook my head fiercely at Sammie. The baby can’t be dead.

“It’s not dead,” I sniffed hard, forcing myself to believe my words. “No,” I cried.

Sammie wrapped her arm around my shoulder as I cried into my hands. I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. If I wasn't in a hospital I’d be able to do absolutely anything to make myself feel better. Anything!

“I'm so sorry,” she whispered.

“N-no,” I mumbled whilst still crying. This shouldn’t be happening! I was the one who was meant to be punished so why the hell is Beth in hospital fighting for her life after the innocent life of her unborn child has been taken away? It’s not bloody fair! It should’ve been me... not them.

“The baby’s gone Zacky,” she whispered to me one last time.

This time her words sunk in and really hit me. I understood. The baby’s dead; gone before it had any chance at all to live its life. And honestly, the only person I can really blame is myself.