Have We Gone Too Far?

I kissed Zan! Why did I do that? I'm with Cole! I love Cole! There was no need to kiss him, especially seeing as he clearly likes me as more than a friend. That shows how awful I am. I'm leading him on! What’s wrong with me? I know I like him and everything but there’s no chance that I'm going to risk ruining my relationship with Cole,not even for a little cutie like Zan.

He’s still asleep now and I can’t help but watch him. His mouth’s slightly open and his nose is occasionally twitching. He’s so adorable. I love the little noises he’s making as he breathes, it’s just so cute. Then again, pretty much everything about Zan comes across as cute to me.

Why do I think about him like that? He’s my friend and I already have a boyfriend. A great boyfriend at that! Cole would take a bullet for me and I think I’d do the same for him. that’s what you do when you love a person so much that you’d risk your own life to save there’s. The thing is, I think that I’d take a bullet for Zan too. I love him too but... I just don’t know anymore.

Zan rolled over so that his bare stomach was against mine and his head was buried into my chest. His body was so warm against mine, but for some reason his touch was sending shivers through me. Why do I feel like this around him? I'm so confused. And why does he have to look so good when he’s asleep? I mean, seriously, how can he look so perfect all of the time?

I felt him snuggling in closer to me. God he’s so adorable! Without thinking I ran my hand through his silky black hair. In case you haven’t noticed, I love playing with his hair. It’s just so soft that I can’t help myself.

His eyelashes were flickering against my skin so I knew he was about to wake up. I wasn't really ready for him to move yet though; I love him being this close to me. He feels amazing. It’s like he’s been made to fit perfectly against me. No one else could look as comfortable as he does stuck against me. With anyone else this would defiantly look a little odd.

When his eyes were properly open I felt him jump. I'm guessing he forgot I was here. He tilted his head up and looked up at me, blushing and looking really embarrassed. Bless him.

“S-sorry,” he said in probably the cutest voice I’d ever heard. As he spoke he moved his body away from mine and, well, I felt a sort of pain without him being close to me. I felt...hurt?

“I didn’t mind,” I muttered cheekily.

I had an urge to move closer to him again and seal the gap between us, but I fought against it when I noticed how uncomfortable Zan looked. He seemed way more embarrassed than he should be. I know he was basically half naked in my arms but I certainly didn’t mind it. Oh God! What would Cole say if he knew I was thinking like this about someone who wasn't him?

“Z-Zack,” Zan said with a massive blush on his face. He so likes me! “Did you...” his voice trailed off.

“Did I what?” I asked him.

“Last night,” he sighed, yawning a little. I think I probably should’ve made him get to sleep a little earlier this morning. He’s going to be shattered. “Did you k-kiss me?” he asked; blushing even more violently. Why is he so nervous about asking me that?

“Might have,” I whispered and then realized that I was most likely blushing as well. Perfect!

“W-why?” he stuttered.

I stared at him for a moment, trying to lock eye contact but for some reason he wasn't letting me. What should I tell him? I don’t know why I kissed him. Well, maybe I do. I...like him and just couldn’t stop myself. He was just there and... Oh God, there’s no excuse really, is there?

“I, er, just wanted to,” I told him, feeling a little nervous myself.

If that’s not leading him on then I don’t know what is. I'm such a horrible person for doing this to him. I know that I can’t be with Zan so why am I making him think that he has a chance?

“You wanted to kiss me?” Zan said but as more of a question than a statement.

I nodded weakly at him; for once feeling a bit embarrassed myself. I did want to kiss him, but I know that I shouldn’t have. To tell the truth though, even though I know it was wrong to kiss him, if I could do it again, I most likely would.

“I'm sorry,” I muttered. “I shouldn’t have done that to you,” I sighed, hating the fact that I was saying these words. “And, well, if it made you feel uncomfortable I-” I was cut off my Zander’s lips gently pressing against mine. Wow. The only downside to this was how quickly he pulled apart from me.

“Don't apologize,” he whispered innocently.

I grinned at him as I sat up and pulled him on top of me so that his legs were straddling my waist. Carefully I pushed my lips against his, licking against his lips to ask for entry, which he instantly allowed. Our tongues danced together as he fastened his hands around my neck and I wrapped mine around his petite waist. I love how small he is. It’s so sweet.

My body wanted to do a lot more than kiss him but my mind knew that what we were doing was wrong and that Zander probably wasn't ready for anything more than a kiss. Then again, maybe I’m wrong; I thought as he slowly grinded his hips into me.

I could feel him moaning lightly into my lips, and let me tell you, I loved the sounds that he was making. It was literally like music to my ears. Why did he have to be so adorable? As I thought about that I noticed that he was grinding harder now. What’s he trying to do to me? Well, if he wants to play like that then I'm definitely going to be fighting back.

I brought my hands to the front of his pajama bottoms and started stroking him, but I soon realized that he was barely feeling any of this. So I had no choice but to break our kiss and resolve that problem. I don’t know what it was that made me do this, mere lust or the simple fact that I wasn't thinking, but I did it. I did this to Zan. I took hold of his waist in my hands and then lifted him above me.

“W-what are you doing?” he asked, digging his fingers into my shoulders.

“You’ll see,” I muttered as I slowly pulled down his bottoms, leaving him in only his boxers.

I felt him shaking a little as I put him back down on top of me, but for some reason I chose to ignore that. For that moment I didn’t care that he obviously wasn't comfortable like this with me. It didn’t bother me that he was probably scared right now.

Straight away I went back to the idea I came up with before to get back at him for his grinding by stroking the material at the front of his boxers. I started of nice and slowly, not even putting much pressure on him, but I could feel him getting harder and harder way too easily.

“N-no,” he moaned as I started speeding up. “Z-Zack,” he begged me to stop but I didn’t listen to him.

I knew he wouldn't want me to do anything to him yet. He’s way too shy and innocent to feel comfortable with someone doing this to him, even if that someone’s me. But I kept going because I didn’t feel like I’d gotten back at him yet. Well, that was the reason I told myself anyway.

It was easy to notice that Zan would have to be spared from his underwear shortly; he couldn’t be comfortable stuck in them with a bulging erection, which I’ll gladly help him sort out. I took hold of the rim of his boxers and slowly started pulled them down. I don’t know what it was but I was desperate to have him inside me. I wanted to taste him so badly.

But before I really had a chance to do anything we were interrupted by a knock at the door. I froze. I really didn’t expect someone to interfere with this. Oh crap, what if it’s his mum or something? She’ll kick me out.

Zan had to hit me, hard if I might add, in the chest to snap me out of my little panic. As soon as he did I let go off him, but the door opened before he managed to get off me. He went bright red and I can only imagine that I did the same.

Liza was looking at us wide-eyed in the doorway. Crap!

“It’s not what it looks like,” I told her, even though we were doing pretty much exactly what she is most likely thinking we were doing. Zan instantly jumped off me and pulled the covers over himself. God I feel sorry for that kid.

I looked over at him and realized he had tears in his eyes. I made him cry... My head dropped down, I can’t begin to tell you how ashamed I feel right now. I feel awful. I am awful. Why did I do that? What’s wrong with me? I have Cole and Zan’s supposed to be my friend!

“What were you doing?” she hissed at us, still in shock. I suppose she could’ve taken this a lot worse, right?

She didn’t look at Zan at all though; she just looked at me, knowing very well that I was the blame for most of this. But just remember, he started this! I'm being childish now, I know. She wants me to explain everything to her, not him. But I can’t do this right now. I feel too guilty to even talk. Words can’t reach the extent of how much I hate myself for this.

“Zack.” She glared at me. “What did you do to him?

Liza isn't likely to believe anything I tell her. I know we’re friends but after this, I just don’t know if we still are anymore. She knows all about my reputation and she’s heard all of the rumors about me forcing people into sex, sleeping with them and then breaking up with them the next day. I hope she knows that they aren’t true, but by the amount of people who say it, sometimes I believe it’s the truth. They say that I use people and, for once they’re right. That’s what I'm doing, isn't it? I'm using him. A single tear fell down my face as I thought about how horrible I am. Swiftly I wiped it away, hoping that no one noticed it.

“We just kissed,” Zan said, trying to act brave.

I love this kid. He’s still defending me after what I just did to him, well, I suppose you could say almost did. Some people would enjoy that sort of thing but Zan, he’s not ready for it and I honestly do admire him for not rushing into things.

“Zan, if you were just kissing why are you only in your underwear?” Liza asked, making him blush an even deeper red. I hate seeing him when he gets really embarrassed because I can tell he really doesn’t like it when he feels like that.

“He was too hot,” I answered for him, but then realized that that could be taken in more ways than one.

“Oh I'm sure he was,” Liza said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“Don't blame Zack,” Zander hissed at her. “I started it!” he said letting a few more tears fall down his face.

I wanted to tell him that he doesn’t have to cover for me but I knew if Liza thought I’d hurt her cousin she’d tell her mum and dad about it and they’ll kick me out and probably stop me from seeing him again. Unless I want that to happen that I’ll have to let Zander take the blame for me, even if it’s making me feel even worse than I do already.

“Why would you start it Zan? He’s the perverted sex addict who’s slept with pretty much everyone in our year. That’s the only reason he’s with you!”

I felt tears collecting in my eyes. That one really stung. Is that what people think of me? Do people always say things like that when I'm not around? She thinks that! Liza should know I'm not like that! I mean I actually thought that we were friends.

“He’s not like that,” Zan insisted.

If he didn’t have my back right now I have no idea what I’d do. I really need to thank him for this. he didn’t have to take my side, but he did and it really means a lot to me.

“Trust me Zan! He’s like that and worse! I mean as soon as he'd done all of the students he moved onto the teachers!"

“What?!” I shouted at her. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

She rolled her eyes at me before answering.

“The whole school knows about your little fling Zack,” she hissed at me. How could they know? “Someone sent pictures to everyone in the school!”

I stared at her, completely lost for words. She’s got to be lying. There’s no way someone could find a picture of me and Cole and know everybody’s mobile number to send it to them. No chance!

“I didn’t have a fling with a teacher.” I mumbled. How can everybody know? It must be a bluff, but then how would she know about it?

“See Zan: He goes for anyone!” she said looking at him instead of me now.

“I don’t care,” he hissed at her. “I love him too much,” he sniffed out, looking really embarrassed now.

I turned to face him instantly. Love? I knew he liked me but love...wow.

“Zan-” I whispered but he ignored me, grabbing his pajama bottoms as he walked out of the room with tears dripping down his face. I wanted to go after him but I knew it was more important right now for me to find out what Liza knew about me and Cole.

“What picture?” I asked her nervously.

“You were kissing in Mr. Markham’s classroom,” she told me. “It didn’t look like either of you were wearing anything.”

I thought for a second before realizing that Cole and I had never kissed in anyone’s classroom at school. Oh God, it’s not Cole with me in the picture, it’s Mr. Baker. How did anyone get a picture of that?

My eyes started watering over as I remembered the day that happened. He tried to rape me. He stripped me of my clothes and locked me in a bloody cupboard. I was so scared.

“D-does everyone know?” I asked her.

She nodded her head at me and grinned.

The whole school knows I'm gay! They all think I'm with a creep like Mr. Baker! This could not be any worse!

“Your boyfriend will probably be arrested if anyone shows those pictures to an adult,” she told me, but her words didn’t sink in at all. I was too busy trying to stop myself from throwing up to pay attention really.

Today’s going to be a very long day.