Have We Gone Too Far?

Mr. Baker and Cole were talking outside of the classroom and I was desperate to hear what they were saying, but because I can’t hear them, I know that no one else in here can either, which is definitely a good thing. If everyone heard the conversation they were having I have a feeling things wouldn't end well.

The whole room was silent, minus the odd whispers of course. For them this was one of the greatest things ever. A substitute teacher just punched Mr. Baker! This was gossip in their minds. Amazing! But for me this is kind of scary. When you fight back to a guy like Mr. Baker, it’s only going to make things worse and Cole must know that.

If he gets in trouble for this it’ll be my fault. If I didn’t tell him then maybe he wouldn't have lashed out like that. I know I can’t be certain that he wouldn't still do it, but everything would be a less fresh in his mind if I waited a while longer to tell him and he might have just told Mr. Baker that I couldn’t go and speak to him instead of sending a message like that. You can’t do things like that at school; not without consequences anyway.

Zander looked petrified at the front of the room. I'm guessing he’s remembering the last time he saw Mr. Baker. He should’ve have had to see that. I mean I'm the one going through it so it was worse for me but he saw Mr. Baker doing that to me. If he already knew what Mr. Baker was like maybe it would’ve had less of an effect on him, but it’s too late to change anything about that now. I doubt there’s anything I can do to make him forget or at least not feel as scared over what he saw.

“Can you believe he punched him?” Liza whispered to me.

I guess everyone else thinks this was a random unprovoked thing that just happened for no reason in particular. They’re so wrong.

“I can actually,” I mumbled but I don’t think she heard me, well understood what I said anyway.

I smiled as Cole walked into the classroom. He looked a little shaken up but Mr. Baker hasn’t hurt him, where it can be seen anyway. The class went completely silent again. Although sometimes a bit of quiet is nice, it’s starting to get annoying now.

“Right pack away everyone,” he sighed. “The bell’s going soon.”

Perfect. I’ll be able to ask him what’s happened soon. Please say it’s not too bad, please. What if he’s said something that Cole doesn’t want me to know about? I know he’s done that in the past. He’d better tell me everything; he won’t keep me out of the loop for long.

Merely seconds after everyone had tidied their things away the bell rang. Now it’s time for some answers. I stood up and walked over to Cole at the front, but I got sidetracked when Zan took hold of my arm. I knew it was him without turning around to look you see.It’s hard to forget the way someone like him holds you.

“Hey,” I smiled. “Are you alright?”

His eyes were filling with water and I was really worrying about him. Surely he isn't that worried about Mr. Baker. Then again, I’ve been so scared that I’ve cried due to him before, many times before in fact.

“Come here,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him once everyone had left.

Cole was still in the room. I felt so guilty with him being there, but I'm hoping he just thinks I'm being a good friend right now. Zan needs me and I'm not going to let Cole stop me at the minute. I know he needs me as well but Zan’s a lot more sensitive than he is. So for now he comes first.

“What’s the matter?” I whispered.

“N-nothing,” he sniffed but I knew he was lying. Anyone would be able to tell he was lying. You don’t cry for nothing.

“You can tell me Zan,” I said softly, knowing that Cole was most likely watching from the desk.

“He s-scares me,” he whispered.

I knew he meant Mr. Baker. I can’t blame him for being scared, of course he is! He saw him doing that to me. He’s got a right to be scared of that man.

“I know,” I mumbled. “He scares me too.”

“Why did he d-do that to you?” he asked, quietly.

When he said that I held him a little tighter; I needed more support to be able to think about that properly.

“I d-don’t know,” I explained to him.

“Was it the first time?” he sniffed.

“No babes, it wasn’t. But you don’t need to worry about it, okay?”

I just called him babes. Why did I say that? Oh it doesn’t matter right now! It was just a slip of the tongue.

“I will though,” he mumbled, moving his head into my chest.

I couldn’t help but smile at him, he’s just so small compared to me and I'm not exactly big myself. Is he too small? It’s not like that bothers me or is any of my business but there’s nothing wrong with wondering, is there?

“It’s okay,” I sighed.

I heard Cole let out a cough from where he was sitting. I know it must be hard for him to see me like this with someone else. I can’t help it though. What am I meant to do?

“Are you going to be alright?” I asked, knowing that Cole needed to talk to me soon.

He nodded into me and then looked up and smiled a little. That one smile was enough to make my insides melt. Weird, I know.

“Liza will probably be waiting for you outside,” I told him, knowing what she was like. “I’ll meet you by the drama rooms in a bit, yeah?”

“Aren’t you coming?” he asked as he went over to the door.

“I’ve got to talk to Mr. Sanders; I’ll be there in a bit.”

He nodded at me before walking out and going off with Liza. Now it’s just me and Cole.

“That was nice of you Zack,” Cole mumbled.

“What?” I blushed as I went over and stood beside him.

“I think he has a thing for you,” Cole said as he pulled me down onto his lap and nibbled lightly on my ear.

“We’re just friends,” I giggled as he ran his hands up my sides. Cole makes me feel so good inside, it’s incredible.

“I know you think that, but does he?”

“Yes, he does,” I said as I turned my head around to face him. “We’re friends.”

Am I lying to him now? I can’t tell. It hurts that I'm not being completely honest with him though, that’s for sure.

“Sure you are,” he sighed as he lightly pecked my nose with his soft lips.

“Can we do this here?” I asked him, lightly worried in case someone was to walk in.

“Do you want to go to my office instead?”

I nodded at him before wrapping my arms around his neck and pushing my lips against his. He was moaning against my lips as I brushed myself against him.

“Come on then,” he grinned as I jumped up and we walked over to his room. We were safer in there; we both knew that. There was a lock and everything. Not that we’re going to do anything too bad there anyway.

When we got in the room he locked his door shut and smiled at me.

“I love you Zack,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. Right now how can I not feeling like an idiot for what I was doing this morning. Why do I have to feel so guilty?

“W-what did Mr. Baker say?” I asked him. I hated changing the topic from something like that to Mr. Baker, but I was scared in case I said something I shouldn’t and I need to know about what was said at some point anyway.

“Not now Zack,” he mumbled as he brought his lips down to mine and gently slid his tongue inside of me.

Why can’t I enjoy this? I should be able to no matter how much guilt I'm feeling. A tear fell down my face. How could I do this to him?

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking like he was sorry. Great, now he thinks it’s his fault.

I ran my hand through my hair and stared at him. There’s nothing I can say now. Not without telling him about Zan and I. Thinking about that cause a few more tears to fall down my cheeks, which Cole wiped away with his soft fingers. He shouldn’t be being so nice to me; not after what I’ve done.

“I hate myself,” I cried to him. “I ruin everything,” I sniffed.

“What?” he asked softly seeming a bit shocked by my sudden change of mood. “Where’s all this come from?”

“Can’t say,” I whispered but regretted saying that instantly. That answer will only make him want to know more.

“Come here,” he sighed, pulling me really close to him again. I felt his hand traveling up the back of my shirt and tenderly stroking circles over my back. I loved his touch but I was starting to think that I didn’t deserve it. “Why do you hate yourself?” he asked me as his fingers traced over a soft spot on my back and made me shiver.

I hate what I can do. I’ve always thought I’ve been able to control myself but I can’t. I was even thinking that I had more power over what I do since I gave up on the drugs and the drinking, but getting so close with Zander proves that I'm just as weak as before.

“Talk to me,” he murmured.

“I don’t know what to say,” I sniffed as I buried my face further into his amazing body. Can I even think of him like that now? I mean I’ve had those same thoughts for another person...

“Just tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered.

There’s no chance I’ll be able to do that honestly. If I told him the truth he’d hate me. After what he’s done for me I shouldn’t be messing with him like this. He’s done so much and sacrificed things for me; he’s risked his bloody career. What if I tell him and he loses it? He’ll feel stupid for being so kind to me if I treat him like dirt.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered.

“About what sweetie?”

I shrugged my shoulders at him, not particularly wanting to have this conversation with him.

“Look Zacky, I can’t help unless you tell me what’s wrong,” he mumbled as he softly kissed my forehead. I love this guy so much...maybe that’s all that matters. If we love each other we can get through this, right? “Why did you say you hate yourself?” he asked me again, he’s obviously concerned about that if he keeps asking me.

“Everything,” I whispered, secretly hoping that he didn’t hear.

“Zack! No you don’t,” he said. “There’s nothing to not like about you. You’re an amazing friend, you’re always there for people to talk to, you know how to cheer someone up, you’ve got a great sense of humor, you’re brave, you are smart, you’ve got an amazing body,” he said as his hands moved to the front of my shirt and started rubbing up and down me. This felt amazing. “You’re beautiful and you’re the best boyfriend someone could ask for,” he smiled as he brought his face down to mine and kissed me on my nose before making his way to my lips once he’d seen that I was smiling again. “I love you Zack,” he said with so much heart in his voice that I knew without a speck of doubt he meant that.

“I love you too,” I smiled as I tried to stop my crying. “I love you so much.”

His hands slipped out from my shirt and took hold of my face so that I was looking up at him. A serious look appeared in his breathtaking features and his eyes met mine.

“I don’t want to hear you say something like that again, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, trying my hardest not to laugh.

“Promise me you won’t say you hate yourself again.”

“I promise,” I grinned at him.

“Thank you,” he chuckled as he pushed his lips against mine.

“You’re welcome,” I laughed as soon as we separated.