Have We Gone Too Far?

While I was standing there in the corridor the bell rang. For a while I just stood by and watched as everyone came rushing through the doors from the yard and into the building. They all seemed in such a rush as the pushed through the doors and raced down the corridors, trying not to run into people.

I got knocked into a few times but I just ignored it and showed no emotion at all. Some people muttered a meaningless sorry when they did it but others said nothing and just kept rushing down the corridor. Some however, decided to fling insults at me or blame me because I was the one in the way, which is true, but you’d think by now that even the year sevens would be able to watch where they’ going.

There was only one person who really bothered me by running into me, and that was Sam. I understood why he did it though; I did sort of embarrass him in form by beating the living hell out of him.

He rammed his shoulder with me, forcing me to stammer backwards. It actually hurt a bit and I could feel tears prickling in my eyes. It wasn't from what he did that I was getting worked up. It’s just he was triggering things off again, you know?

“Move you stupid queer,” he shouted at me as he passed. I wanted to hit him, I wanted to lash out, but I didn’t. I stayed as calm as possible and didn’t even watch him as he walked on. I acted like it never happened.

I saw Kyle coming through the doors a while later, once all of the rushing had pretty much stopped. He likes being late and I can’t blame him really. If being on time means getting through all of those people from before then it’s definitely the safer thing to do.

“You okay?” he asked when he was standing closer to me.

I nodded my head at him.

“Why are you just standing here then?” he asked me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

“Shouldn't do that with a gay guy,” I muttered. “Imagine the rumors.”

“I don’t really care,” he chuckled as we walked towards the classrooms. “So what’ve you got next?” he asked me.

“English,” I sighed.

Both Sam and Keith are in my English. Jay’s there too but I'm not sure where I stand with him at the moment. We haven’t spoke for a while, not since that night when he announced to everyone that I was gay. The way I'm being treated around school is all his fault; but he didn’t mean to do it... He wouldn't say something like that on purpose, would he? Maybe he’ll even try and apologize to me or something like that today.

“Isn't Jay in your English?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah, but, I don’t know if he’ll want to talk to me or not,” I explained.

“Look,” he started, “Jay’s one of your best friends and he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing, okay?” he sighed. “He’s going to be feeling really guilty right now so I'm pretty sure he’d want to explain everything to you; try and make things a little better maybe.”

I smiled at him and nodded. If he is regretting doing it he will want to do his best to make it up to me. It’s not like he’s the one who has a reason to hate me. When he first found out I was gay he didn’t mind, he even knows about Cole and I (thank God he’s kept that quiet).

“I’d better go,” I told him as we were walking near to the English rooms.

“See you around then,” he smiled.

I smiled again before walking into the room.

“Sorry I'm late,” I mumbled half-heartedly.

“Can I have a word at the end?” Miss. Berry, my English teacher, asked me.

I nodded at her before sitting at an empty desk. Maybe I should’ve sat with Jake, he was on his own, but I was kind of scared to be with him at the minute. I say, if he wants to say sorry, he should come to me because I just can’t be bothered going to him anymore.

“Right class, I need you to get into groups of roughly six,” she said, “If you can’t do that on your own I’ll have to do it myself,” she added.

She wanted us to move around and get into our groups, but I really didn’t want to. I don’t have anyone to work with so what’s the point of randomly walking around the room when you know that no one really wants to go with you. The way I see it, if anyone actually wants me to work with them they can come over and sit with me.

The first people to come over were Jess and Mel. I don’t speak to them much to be honest I never thought I’d end up working with them, but why not? Those two are on their own and so am I, what’s the problem with that?

“Can we work with you?” Jess, the more confident of the two, asked me.

“Sure,” I fake smiled at them, trying to seem as nice and friendly as possible, even if it was only an act for me.

The three of us sat at the table in silence, waiting to see if we’d ever become a six. In all honesty I’d rather just work as a three, but I'm not too sure if Miss would let us do that or not.

“Zack!” Sam said as he wrapped his arm around my neck. He was trying to make it look like he was messing about but I knew he wanted to hurt me. I can’t blame him after what I did to him this morning though, can I?

“Feeling better?” I asked him.

“What?” he asked, laughing slightly.

“Nothing’s broken then?” I wondered.

He snarled at me as Keith walked over and then they did a stupid handshake thing. It looked ridiculous but then again, so do they. What an insult!

“Want to work with the queer?” Sam asked Keith.

They both burst out laughing as I looked away from them. I can’t be bothered paying attention to them anymore; there’s not much point really. I know they have all of their attention on me,they must like me so much , but there’s no chance of me giving it back to them.

I looked over at Jess and Mel. They were talking quietly to each other, most likely regretting working with me now. I felt sorry for them; they’re going to have to put up with my problems as well now.

“Can I go with you lot?” Jay asked us, seeming a lot shyer than usual.

“No!” Sam and Keith said in unison.

“Sure,” I said to him with a blank face, not showing any emotion. What’s the point of showing what you’re feeling when it’ll only make things worse for you?

“Is everyone in a six?” Miss Berry shouted over all of the talking that was going on.

That’s a problem with letting people choose groups; they start talking to their friends straight away and forget that we’re in a lesson. I have to admit I usually do that too, but this time I don’t have the friends to do it with.

Jake took the seat next to me, which annoyed Sam who must’ve wanted to be a lot closer to me than I thought he would. He probably only wanted to sit there to wind me up but it sounds better in my head if I try to turn it around on him, even if he has no idea that I'm doing it.

“Can we talk?” Jay whispered to me, knowing that two irritating people behind us were most likely going to listen.

“If you want,” I muttered.

I wanted to hold my ground the best I could I not just forgive him in an instant. He really hurt me that night; all of them did really. The things they said when I left. It was horrible. At least some had the decency to come out and apologize. It’s just jay and Ellie who haven’t said sorry properly really.

“I'm really really sorry about, you know,” he whispered. “I was drunk and... Look, if I was sober I never would’ve told anyone, I swear. I wanted to keep it secret but, well, booze,” he sighed.

I looked at him and nodded. I still can’t believe that it happened, but in a way I might be slightly glad that he did it. Sure in most ways it made things worse, but I’d have to tell them one day, he just made that day come sooner than I wanted and turned it into him telling them instead, which made it kind of easier for me. I’d never mange to do that on my own.

“I feel so guilty,” he mumbled.

I'm not going to say that he shouldn’t, but I did feel sorry for him. I know what it’s like carrying guilt around with you...

“It’s not just about telling all them though, is it?” he said as he stared down at the table. “I mean, if I hadn’t said anything, you wouldn't have run out and then Beth wouldn't have gone after you, and she wouldn't have got hurt,” he explained.

“That-that wasn't your fault,” I told him. “The Beth thing was all me.”

He shook his head at me, most likely thinking that I was just trying to make him feel better, but that wasn't what I was doing. It was Derek who hurt her. If I never got mixed up with guys like him, he wouldn’t have come after me and then there would’ve been no one there to attack us in the first place.

“Look, I’d explain, but it’s complicated and, well, I wouldn't want to risk you blurting it out to everyone next time you have a little too much to drink.”

“I'm sorry,” he sighed.

“It’s alright. I can’t say I’ll forget, but-”

“I know,” he whispered, interrupting me. “You shouldn’t forgive me either really but, we’re great friends and I don’t want one drunken mistake to ruin that for us.”

“Same,” I sighed after a pause. “And like I said, it’s alright.”

He looked at me and smiled. I don’t know what it was about that smile but it made me feel stronger, even though everything’s going wrong now, I’ve just got wrong thing right. I made up with one of my best friends. I know that might not seem much in comparison to Mr. Baker threatening to kill me and then managing to break free. But having another person there for me really does make a difference.

“Hey, em, you know tonight,” Jay said, “could we go and see Beth?” he asked. “I’d go on my own but I'm, well, I don’t think I’d be able to do it n my own.”

“I’ll come,” I smiled. “Want me to ask Kyle too? He didn’t want to visit on his own either, but he might if we’re both there.”

“Might as well,” he smiled.

We heard some weak laughter from behind us so we turned to look at them. Oh how immature. Sam was making a heart shape with his fingers at it. Oh isn't he creative? Smart smart boy. (Cough, idiots)

“Good one,” I winked at him and then burst out laughing at his reaction to that.

I shook my head at him as he started complaining about ‘the gay guy winking at him’. Some people really need to just grow up.