Have We Gone Too Far?

English dragged on quite a bit but we didn’t manage to get much done to be honest with you. Jay and I were just catching up on things, even if it’s only been a few days that we haven’t been speaking for, we still had a lot that we wanted to tell each other.

There were some things that I needed to tell him but couldn’t because we were at school. He already knows about Cole and he’s managed to stay quiet this long, so I feel like he’s the person I can talk to about everything. I know it’ll be a little awkward but if I don’t talk to him about us I’ll have to find someone else to do it with, which will most likely mean telling another person.

Anyway, me and Jay weren’t working, we were talking and Sam and Keith were trying to wind me up, as usual, so that meant only Jess and Mel were doing the work. I felt sorry for them but someone had to do it, right?

As soon as the bell went at the end of the lesson we all started packing our things up into our bags and then heading to our next lessons. Miss Berry wanted me to stay behind though didn’t she? I let out a sigh as I stayed in my seat and watched everybody else leaving. Jay asked if I wanted him to wait for me but I said he could just go. I don’t need him here really. I can manage on my own.

I didn’t know what she wanted to talk to me about, I'm guessing it was to do with being late but then again there might be more to it than that. Maybe the whole staffroom knows about what happened and she wants to check up on me. I suppose that would make sense.

She walked over to my desk and then sat down next to me.

“Is there a reason why you were late Zack?” she asked softly.

It was obvious that she knew. I mean if she didn’t she’d be yelling at me or something. Not sat next to me acting all soft.

“Felt like walking slow,” I told her, sharply.

I didn’t need to use that tone. I could sound a bit nicer or maybe match her soft voice, but I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t be bothered trying to give of a good impression.

“Is that it?” she asked. “I mean, you must have been walking really slowly to be that late,” she chuckled lightly but then stopped when she saw I wasn't in a laughing mood.

“I stood around and hung out in the corridors for a bit too,” I added, smiling slightly. “English bores me so I thought I’d miss as much as it as I could get away with.”

She looked at me like she couldn’t believe what I was telling her. Come to think of it; why am I telling her? I'm only going to get into trouble.

“Just try to be on time in future,” she sighed, standing up and walking back to the front.

I could see a load of year sevens waiting outside her room, most likely her next lesson. Ha, they should thank me for holding their lesson up.

I grabbed my bag and flung it over my shoulder as I made my way out of the room, accidentally shoving a few of the little people blocking the doorway. What can I say? They were in my way!

The corridors were pretty much empty now and I knew I’d most likely get yelled at in my next lesson for being late for that one as well. This time it won’t be my fault though, which is a plus I guess.

I had maths now. It was going to be hard being in that room again. I know I’ve been in there since that time with Mr. Baker before, but after all that’s gone on today, I'm scared. Being in that room again is something that I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to do.

“Zack,” someone called me from down the corridor.

A massive smile came across my face when I saw him and I instantly ran into his arms, holding him tightly. I didn’t care who saw us, I didn’t even check to see if anyone was there. I just hugged him.

“Nice to see you too,” he chuckled as wrapped his arms around me and smiled as I nuzzled my face into his chest.

After a while of just standing there in his embrace I looked up at him.

“You alright?” he asked me. I nodded. “Erm, I'm sorry about how I acted earlier,” he told me.

“Don't be,” I said, hating that he was apologizing for getting upset.

“I should’ve stayed strong for you...”

I quickly shut him up by pushing my lips to his. It didn’t last long though as he pushed me back, most likely worrying about us getting caught.

“Sorry,” I whispered, blushing ridiculously.

He shook his head, still smiling.

“I, er, need to ask you something,” he said, looking nervous all of a sudden.

“Go on,” I said, pulling away from him so I could look into his eyes and try and work out what he was thinking.

“You know, with Mr. Baker still out there, I'm kind of...worried about you,” he said, carefully thinking about what he was saying. “And, I’d like to, you know, keep an eye on you,” he said but then looked like he regretted it. I was just staring at him now. “I don’t mean like that. I mean, you can look after yourself but I’d feel better if I could, well...”

“Spit it out,” I said, smiling as I teased him.

“Fine, fine,” he sighed. “Zack, I-I, I want you to move in with me,” he said, taking in a deep breath. “Will you?”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew what I wanted to say but...I don’t know. Blinking a few times to try and get my mind straight, I started trying to work out what to do. If people know we’re living together, what would happen then? Do they even matter? I mean should I be considering what people think at all?

“Don't leave me looking like a fool,” he said after a really long silence, laughing uncomfortably.

I smiled slightly and then tried to speak.

“I...I don’t know,” I told him. “I want to but... well... I can’t think,” I whispered, running my hand through my hair.

He looked at me and I could tell his eyes were watering a bit.

“If you need time, I can give you time,” he told me.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

Cole pulled me into a hug but quickly released me. I frowned and wondered why he cut that so short.

“You’d best get to class,” he mumbled before gently kissing my forehead. I grinned at him and finally started making my way to maths. Hopefully Mr. Markham, won’t give me too much of an ear full.

When I eventually made an appearance no one said anything to me. I got some strange looks but the whole room was silent. It looks like I've actually got away with this.

Mr. Markham looked at me harshly as I unpacked my stuff and sat down beside Zan. I suppose I could’ve made a little less noise than I was doing, but I like being loud, especially when I know it’s annoying people.

“Hey Zan,” I partially whispered.

I looked to see what he was doing. Work. I let out a sigh and turned and looked around the class. Everyone was working today; what’s going on? This isn't what lessons with Mr. Markham are meant to be like.

“Face the front pleases Mr. Mondale,” he told me, in a dull monotone voice.

I did as he asked and then just stared at the board. Usually when I stare off into space I'm thinking, but not now. I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it. My mind doesn’t even feel like its working. It’s like everything’s gone quiet.

“Page 56 Zack,” Mr. Markham told me as he passed me a text book.

When I found the page all I could do was stare at it, not taking any of it in. I just couldn’t be bothered. How come having one of the greatest experiences in my life with Cole asking me to move in with him, has to be followed by a maths lesson? It doesn’t seem right. At least I can go home soon.

I took a deep breath when I remembered I won’t be going home. I’ll be back at Zan’s house. That isn't my home. To be honest my home isn't even my home really, but that isn't the point.

I felt someone’s breath against my skin from beside me. It scared me but when I turned and saw Mr. Markham standing there I calmed down a bit, not a lot, but I wasn't as worried knowing that it was only him.

“Do you need a hand?” he asked in a hushed tone.

Usually he’s one of those teachers who gets angry if people don’t understand things, which is stupid because that means he hasn’t explained it well enough generally.

I shook my head at him and decided to get working. Being right at the front has many disadvantages though. Copying, for example, is a lot harder to do when the teacher is constantly watching you. It’s as if he knows what I'm trying to do!

“Right class,” he said. “I’ll be back in a second.”

A smile found its way to my lips when he was gone. Everybody gave up on working and began to talk. This is more like it.

“Zan,” I said.

He looked up from his book at me and smiled.I love the way he smiles.

“Where were you?” he asked looking worried.

“Doesn’t matter,” I whispered. “Don't worry about that.”

He nodded at me and then looked back down to his book.

“Zan,” I said again. “I need to explain something to you.”

The look on his face then was so adorable. He seemed so confused but it just looked so sweet.

“What?” he asked me.

What I was going to say next was going to hurt him, and I knew that, but he deserves to know the truth. He deserves to know everything.

“I want you to know,” I sighed, “why we can’t be together.”

He looked at me for a few seconds before the signs that he’d heard me right started to show. His lip trembled a little and he turned to the side so I couldn’t see his face anymore. Please say he’s not crying.

“Zan,” I whispered. “I'm sorry.”

“Why?” I heard him sniff. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t like me,” he whispered. “I don’t care.”

For some reason I was finding that really hard to believe. You don’t cry if you couldn’t care less about something. If he wasn't bothered about me at all then he wouldn't have let me to what I did with him this morning. Does that mean if I didn’t have feelings for him I wouldn't have tried to do that in the first place?

“You do,” I sighed. “And I do too.”

“I don’t want to talk,” he mumbled between rasping breaths. He was obviously crying and that was what was making me angry. I’d made him cry.

“I'm not really giving you much choice,” I sighed. “We need to talk about this morning. I need to make it clear why that can’t happen again.”

He nodded at me but said nothing. Perfect. Right then I felt daggers on my back. I turned to see Liza glaring at me. God she’s going to kill me if she thinks I’ve hurt him again. Crap.

“Don't cry,” I whispered as he wiped his eyes with his hand and tried to get back to working.

And now I feel horrible again.