Have We Gone Too Far?

Since maths Zander hasn’t been speaking to me and I can’t blame him for that, can I? But, even though I hate myself right now and I know I’ve hurt him, I think its better that he knows I can’t be with him. Otherwise he might create hope that we could be together, and in the long run, that would hurt him more. Now he knows I can’t love him back, maybe he’ll be able to move on.

I said I can’t love him back, didn’t I? I let out a slight sigh, mentally cursing myself. I didn’t say I don’t love him...just that I can’t. Cole’s going to hate me for thinking like this. I'm just glad he doesn’t know about it.

I was going to get on Zan and Liza’s bus tonight and go back home to theirs. I was hoping that I was still welcome there after what I told him today. Liza’s bond to hate me for making him cry and I'm not too sure if they’d want me there anymore after that either. But if that turns out to be the case, Kyle doesn’t live too far from theirs so it’s not like I’d end up on the streets or anything like that. I'm always welcome at Kyle’s; sometimes even when he isn't. Well, that’s what Kyle says anyway, but I don’t really believe him completely.

His parents are great when I'm around at least. To be honest I don’t understand why they’d get a divorce. I won’t argue with it or anything, but I just didn’t expect it.

The bus was filling up quickly when I got to it. At first I didn’t know which one I was meant to get on, but then I spotted Miranda at the back. I’d almost forgotten about her being on Zan’s bus, but as soon as I saw her there I remembered.

Last time I saw her I was upset still and she managed to work out that the police were here because of me and Mr. Baker. No doubt she’d already have told everyone by now and as soon as I get on the bus they’ll start whispering about me. I can only hope that she won’t start talking to me though. We all know what she’s like.

I couldn’t see anyone I wanted to sit with when I got on, so I decided to go on my own roughly in the middle of the bus. Not too close to Miranda and her clones but not right at the front with all of the irritating younger people who thing they’re the greatest things ever. The middle’s safe...comfortable. No one bothers you in the middle, well, unless you’re me.

My head dropped down as Miranda walked over to where I was sat. Why does she feel the need to do this? I don’t like her and she doesn’t like me. So why can’t we just completely ignore each other and avoid bloody conflict. God this drives me crazy.

“What?” I snapped at her as she sat down beside me.

“Just wanted to say hello,” she said, trying to act upset about how I’d reacted. I know she was glad she’d got to me though. It was so obvious. “There’s no need for you to be so snappy,” she mumbled.

“Just get lost Miranda.”

After that I just ignored her presence completely. It didn’t take long for her to go back to her seat once she knew I wasn't going to react anymore. As soon as she went I couldn’t help smiling. Maybe I could just have some time to myself now. Time to just think. I hate letting my mind have time to itself, but right now I probably need it.

When Miranda walked away I saw Liza, smiling because ‘it’ was gone. I love how much that girl hares Miranda. It makes me happy. That probably sounds a bit weird but it’s true. If you hate Miranda I like you.

She gave me an odd look, before mouthing ‘what did you do?’ to me. I wasn’t sure if she was on about Miranda, Zan or something completely different, so I just pulled a confused face and pretended that I didn’t understand her.

Once Liza turned back to face the front I just sat still and looked out of the window. Surprisingly after the whole Miranda thing, no one came and bothered me and from what I could hear no one was talking about me either. It was a great feeling that people weren’t trying to make my life feel like hell at the moment, but at the same time it’s kind of weird not having people talking about me and getting my attention. It’s strange.

Kyle walked on then and smiled at me, no one was behind him so he stopped for a bit and spoke to me.

“Are you going to come with me and Jay to see Beth?” I asked him.

He looked at me like he was really nervous right now. I can’t blame him though; we all know how much the guy hates hospitals.

“We’ll be there so don’t worry about anything,” I added. “We’ll look after you.”

He nodded at me.

“I’ll come,” he sighed. I knew that part of him would’ve been glad he agreed but the other part would be screaming ‘what did you say that for?’ at him.

“Want me to come over to yours first?” I asked him, knowing he might need a bit of a pep talk before going.

“Erm,” he said awkwardly. “The house is, um, a bit of a dump at the moment,” he whispered.

“I don’t mind,” I said softly.

“The families a bit...well, things are different since you were last at mine,” he told me.

I nodded at him, slightly confused, but I decided I’d let him leave it at that. We don’t need to talk about this with so many people in earshot, plus if he doesn’t want to say yet, he doesn’t need to feel like I'm forcing him too.

“You, er, you can come though,” he told me, not seeming too sure about what he said. “They like you at mine,” he added.

I smiled as he went and sat a few rows behind me. At first I thought he was going near Miranda but when he didn’t I started feeling really proud of him. She’s bad news and I'm so glad they split up.

He said that they like me at his. I love how families always seem to get on with me, it’s weird but they do. At Kyle’s, his parents aren’t there too much, so I used to help with looking after the kids when I didn’t want to be at my own house. That’s why his parents would like me. And with the kids, I just give them a lot of attention I suppose. The two younger ones, Coby and Dean, love to fight and if they do it so they don’t hurt each other it can be pretty fun. His other brother’s Andy. He can be a laugh but I think he’s a little shy with new people.

The bus was just about to leave when I saw Zander running to catch it. I’ve never seen him late before, he’s always on time. Why’s he late today? My first thoughts were to do with him being held back and getting distracted by talking to people, but then I realized that’s more of the sort of thing that I’d do. Get in trouble so the teachers keep me behind and then catch up with my mates instead of heading home. Zan wouldn't do that though... I know he wouldn't.

Fortunately the driver spotted him before he pulled out and left the school. A few people sniggered as he got on, not being able to find a seat. It was then that I remembered the one next to me was empty. Would it be awkward if we sat together? Oh God.

He wouldn't want to sit with me though. But I don’t want him sitting with someone who’ll wind him up or anything.

Not needing any more convincing than what I’d already given myself I called him over.

“Zan,” I shouted, gesturing to the space next to me.

Now here’s the stage where I find out how much he hates me now. Will he sit with me or not?

“Hey,” he whispered, putting his bag down on the floor and moving beside me. Yes!

“Alright?” I asked him.

He nodded before pulling his iPod out of his pocket and putting the earphones in.

For a while I just stared at him. Shocked really. He didn’t say anything. He just...he just puts on his music and turns the world off. Doesn’t he know I want to talk to him?

Wow. I just can’t believe he did that. I know it isn't a really big deal, but for me...Wow. I don’t even know why I care so much.

“Zan?” I coughed out after a good ten minutes. If he wanted to listen to his music, I've given him enough time to do it now.

He looked at me with an irritated look on his face.It was so cute.

“Talk to me,” I whispered, hoping he heard.

When he turned away from me I noticed that he was turning the volume up. Don’t ignore me! I can get angry! I could lose it. Oh what am I on about?

“Zan, please listen to me,” I hissed, pulling out one of the earphones.

He glared at me.

“You shouldn’t have your music that loud,” I mumbled nervously. He just shook his head at me. “Look, I'm sorry, but I didn’t want you thinking...you know,” I whispered, fully aware of the people around us.

“It’s alright,” he whispered.

“No, no it isn't,” I sighed. I wanted to tell him that I cared about him, but things just wouldn't work. However I knew that by telling him stuff like that I’d only make things worse. He’ll think I'm sending mixed messages and then who knows what he’d do... “We are still friends, aren’t we?” I asked, worrying slightly. I don’t know what I’d do without Zan. He’s an amazing friend to me.

“Yes,” he hissed.

“Zan,” I said firmly, “don’t be like this with me,” I pleaded with him.

I waited a bit but he refused to say anything. Maybe I should just give up. If he doesn’t want us to get back to how we used to be then so be it. I don’t want to do all of the work to keep our friendship intact. If he can’t be bothered with us anymore...what’s the point?

“Be like that then,” I mumbled, chucking the earphones back at him.

He looked at me. He looked king of hurt from what I’d done, but he’d hurt me too. Boy I can be selfish. It was me that got him in this mood and now I'm giving up on him. Idiot idiot idiot. How can I be so stupid?

“Zan, did I, er, upset you?” I asked him, knowing the truth already, just not if he was going to give it me.

“A bit,” he whispered, looking down into his lap.

A small smile came onto my face. Not because I’d upset him, but because he’d told me. Plus this is a really sweet moment. Look at him!

Okay, back to the real world now Zack.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I explained. “I just think I would’ve hurt you more if I didn’t tell you.”

“Can we, um, talk l-later?” he asked me.

“Yeah, it is kind of awkward doing this here,” I smiled. “I'm going round Kyle’s first though, then to the hospital to see Beth with him and Jay.”

“Alright,” he sighed. “You are coming back to ours after though, right?” he asked me.

I nodded, smiling because it seemed like he did still want me there. Maybe we could make all of this work after all.