Your Bones Are My Bones

“Tom, I think Oli has officially lost it,” Ketley said, her face losing its color. “Call the wacky shack.”

“I think ’e’s downright mental,” Tom concurred.

“Loony.”

“Bonkers.”

“Off his rocker.”

“Batty.”

“Mad.”

“In—”

“Stop!” I cut off Tom. “M’not crazy, or mental, or whatever ya just said. I am perfectly fine.”

“Ol, you just asked me to marry you. I think that qualifies you as crazy,” Ketley explained.

“No, really, it doesn’t,” I argued. “If ya’d just lemme explain, ya’d see I’m not crazy.”

Damn mother fuckers. Oliver Sykes is not crazy. Nor will he ever be.

“Alright, explain away.” She made herself comfortable on my couch by putting her feet in my lap.

“Aight, ya know why Amanda broke up with me?” they both shook their heads no. “I asked ‘er ta marry me an’ she said no.”

“Oh mio dio,” Ketley’s jaw nearly touched her chest. “I’m so sorry, Ol! I didn’t know…I just assumed it was because maybe you two weren’t getting along or something. Not because you wanted to m-marry her.”

“Don’t worry, Cherry, s’fine,” I lied.

“Yeah right, it’s not—”

“Stop,” I cut her off. “How about I talk an’ ya listen?” she nodded her head. “Anyroad, I don’t want ta actually marry ya, I just want ya ta pretend ta be married ta me. Y’see if Manda sees that I am, in fact, ready for marriage, she’ll change her mind, an’ want me back.”

“Oli,” she said. “That is the stupidest idea ever! Why the hell would Amanda want you back just because you’re married!? Why wouldn’t she just be all ‘oh, he’s married now, I better stay away’? Because I know I would.”

“Well ya’re not ‘er an’ ya’ll never be,” I snapped.

What was she? Some kind of love doctor that she knew it wouldn’t work? I needed Amanda back and I couldn’t think of any other way.

“Well I'm glad I'm not because I would never want to date some ass hole like you,” she spat.

“Goddamn Ket, we already fight like a married couple,” I rolled my eyes. It was true. Me and Ketley, although we were great friends, still fought a lot. A hell of a lot. And over the stupidest things, too.

“Yes, well just because we fight like a married couple doesn’t mean I want to be a married couple,” she said.

“C’mon Ketley, there ‘as ta be somethin’ I can do, or somethin’ I could give ya,” I tried to persuade.

“Nope, there is absolutely nothing,” she shook her head.

“Um, lemme think,” I stroked my chin for emphasis. “Aha! Sex! I know ‘ow much ya like sex. Especially sex with me.” I wiggled my eyebrows but Ketley just glared at me.

“Hell no.”

“Free tickets ta all my concerts?” I tried again.

“Why would I want that? You guys suck,” she stuck her tongue out at me.

“Ice cream?”

“No.”

“A hug?”

“No.”

“That nice jacket Tom ‘as on.”

“Oi,” Tom gripped his jacket. “This is my jacket, ya can't offer it Oli.”

“Damn, I was ‘oping that’d work,” I sighed. “Fine, fine. How ‘bout that camera ya’ve been wanting since ya graduted?”

Ketley looked at me with a shocked expression. “You would seriously get that for me?”

Like I mentioned before, ever since Ketley was a little girl she was taking pictures. Her mum used to joke that she could snap a Polaroid before she could talk. So now, Ketley went to some liberal arts university here in England and majored in photography. Her parents never really supported her dream of becoming a photographer, so they'd never pay for any of Ketley's cameras or equipment. Which I thought was just downright rude. Anyway, that left Ketley to pay for all the photography related items she needed.

“Sure, buddy, anything fer ya cause I love ya,” I painted a huge smile on my face, hoping to win her over.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “I think you mean anything to get Amanda back.”

“Right, that too,” I still kept my grin intact. “So what do ya say?”

“Alright, Oliver, I’ll do it. But of course, we do things on my terms.”

“Ah, ah, ah! No, my dear Ketley, we will be doin’ things on my terms. Or no camera fer ya,” I told her. I knew there was no way that Ketley would pass up an opportunity to get that camera. Especially for free.

She rolled her eyes once again and huffed. “Fine.”

I grinned, for real this time, and patted her head. “That’s a good Ketley.”

“Well, what about me?” Tom asked. “Ya think m’not gonna tell anyone ‘bout this?”

“Tom, my sweet brother,” I turned my dangerously sweet smile towards him. “If ya dare tell a soul ‘bout this, I will kill ya. Understand?”

Tom’s eyes got wide. He nodded his head furiously without saying a word.

“Good. Now, everything’s perfect.”