It's Time for Me to Let Go

Wow its been a long time since I've wrote anything to you, I'm sorry about that love I've just been trying to move on with my life. I realized that living in the past wasn't healthy for me and it only brought me down more. I haven't forgotten about you and I won't ever forget about you Victor, your on my mind everyday and every minuet of that day till I fall asleep. In October it'll be three years that you were taken away from me, wow three years without you I don't like it. I'm still crazy for you and it stinks that you aren't here to return the feelings, but I know you're smiling down at me everyday. Our birthdays were three months ago and you're twenty-one now! If you were still here you know all of us would be hitting you up to buy us drinks and all the good things. I kid Victor I would never take advantage your legalness, even though I would ask you once or twice. I had surgery on my seventeenth birthday and I'll be honest I was kind of hoping not to make it through so just I could see your smile again, and hear your laugh one more time. Then again if there was anything I miss most about you it's your hugs and just a simple hug would take away all my problems and make my day better. I haven't been the same since you've been gone, I think I've actually gone down hill than better myself.

I dropped out of school cause going there was just to much for me, even after they redid the halls. Before I dropped out though I got your locker and I visited it everyday just cause I thought you being gone was all a joke, and you would be there standing by it waiting for me with open arms. Walking through those halls really did some damage to me, seeing everyone move on from this death killed me. I felt like they were dishonoring you, I felt like they were all forgetting you. I knew that two years was more than enough mourning time, and that they were just moving on with their lives like any normal people would but I just felt like I didn't have that right. Those last words I told you they'll haunt me forever, they replay in my mind constantly. I could I have screamed those words at you, in front of the whole school? I was just having a bad day and you were only trying to be a friend, a good friend, and I tell you I hate you? Who does that? Only a monster does that! No true friend would ever tell their best friend they hated them. Despite me telling you that I hated you, you still let me borrow your favorite jacket for sixth period cause you knew how cold the class was. I could kill myself for ever giving you back that damn jacket, I still blame myself some how for all this.

I can't get that picture out of my head of our best friend falling to his knees when he tried to describe to us what had happened. I can't let go of this feeling of fault, no matter how hard I try. I know that when that car hit you coming from off the highway, that it wasn't my fault. But sometimes I play the what if game and it kills me when that game tells me I could have saved you by never giving you back that stupid black jacket of yours. You know what else kills me Victor? The fact that I spent the last week of your life hiding in my damn room because I didn't want to go to school, cause I didn't want to get up that early. I spent the last week of your life playing sick all for what? Just to miss school?

All I remember is driving to school that morning and hearing that some kid named Victor Garcia got hit by a car, and all I wanted to do was just give you a hug and tell you some kid with your name died yesterday night. When I walked into that school it looked like ghost town, then when I saw everyone walking back from the auditorium, I knew deep in my heart that it wasn't a coincidence that kid that died was you. I remember walking around the halls in a daze looking for you, asking for you, praying to god that you weren't dead, because you couldn't be dead. I remember running into Chris's arms and asking if it was true. He didn't have to say anything, the look on his face just gave it away. I can't remember much of anything about that day, I've learned to block it out because it hurts to much to relive it.

Two years after your death I got into a bad relationship. We both verbally abused each other, we both thought that by being nasty and rude to each other that it would help fill that void of our lost loved ones. It turns I fell harder than I should have and now I'm nursing a broken heart while I'm forced to feel my emotions about your death head on again. We ended things before it got to be a more abusive relationship than what we had then, I couldn't believe that I let myself get that low. I let him call me things that I would normally punch someone out for, but when you died I knew that I didn't deserve to be happy anymore. I knew that because of what I said to you, that it was just karma being a bitch and taking away the best thing this world had to offer. I knew that deep down it was my fault that you were gone, and that's why I allowed myself to be talked down upon, be called such nasty names be him because it was my fault that you got hit by that car. For the longest time I thought your death was a joke and that you were hiding from all of us, making us mourn you even though you weren't gone. I thought that if you saw how badly I needed you in my life that you just come out of that hiding spot and pull me into one of your worlds famous hugs and tell me everything would be okay. But you never did, you never came back and whispered in my ear how much you loved me. I hated you for that because I hated myself Victor. After everything was done the boy and our relationship I finally came to terms with the fact that you were gone and never coming back.

Three years later and I'm still learning to deal with your death. I've come to terms with it, and I've accepted that you aren't here anymore. I don't feel guilty anymore and that's the step forward I needed from moving on with this. I learned that moving doesn't mean I'm forgetting you, it just means that I can be happy again because I know that's you wanted from me. I know that if I'm ever in any trouble or just need someone to talk too I can pray to you, and you'll give me a sign letting me know that you heard my pray. Even though it'll take some time for me to adjust and get back on track with my life I know you'll be there helping me every single step of the way. I love you Victor Garcia, and I'll see when the time is right.