Personals

I've never thought I was beautiful.
In fact, I've always seen myself as quite the opposite. I deliberately avoided every mirror possible, and I would untag myself from picture after picture on facebook, just so no one would see how unattractive I truly am.
It's funny because, I remember when all I had was this intensely creepy crush on him. I used to think about him, and the kind of girls he must like, and I would make him the easiest way to tear myself apart.
Things changed so rapidly, that it nearly gives me whiplash to process. Because, that same boy who caused me so much pain has finally showed me the intense beauty I hold.

His name is Michael John Cruse, or as I fondly call him; Pegasus.
It's a long story that probably no one would find humorous except me and him. He's this really awkward teenage boy. Just like any other he likes to talk about various stomach churning bodily functions, and has an intense love-affair with video games and hockey. He's actually rather tall, with world-stopping blue eyes. His smile is dorkily cute, something I think runs in the family. His voice sends chills down my spine, and when in his presence I find my tongue being tied in a knot.

He's beautiful, although I'm not sure many men appreciate being called beautiful. The way I see it though, any male can be handsome. He just needs to have that characteristic look that women look for. The strength, comfort, and stability, that we chemically desire in our loved ones. But it takes someone special to be beautiful. A rare combination that when found, is a teasure in itself. A man who is beautiful, has the basic needs a woman craves. He appears strong, with a tough facial structure. He is of tall stature, with a body type that screams protection. But, he also has a deep softness to him. Something that even upon the simplest of glances, you know this person has a deep heart. He has a certain way to his walk, that isn't intimidating but rather welcoming.

Although it seems to be the only subject I have breached, Michael is so much more than an attractive person. The personality he has is striking as well. It's extremely hard to describe, and no matter what way I put this it will not do him justice. To begin, he's cocky as hell. I guess this would be a turn-off in most people, but the way he does it only turns into a laughing matter. Because, while he's talking about how awesome he is at something, he's picking on himself at the same time. Either it's because he's doing it completely sarcasticaly, with a small hint of seriousness. Or possibly because we both know he's full of shit in his statements. On another side, his sense of humous is unique. It's hard to explain, but it's such a versatile way to make someone laugh. Whether it be perverted jokes, picking on himself and others around him, or just idiotic jokes about a current situation. See, it's just something I can't explain? His personality is wonderful because it's so versatile. In five seconds he can go from being your best friend, to a caring boyfriend, to a comedian. He always keeps me on my toes, and it makes me feel so alive.

He understands things, even if he's never been through them. I've never once had him ask me why I do things, or how I ever became so messed up. Instead of being judgemental and critical he spends his time unravelling the knots of pain that had been set up in the past. That's something rare, at least from my point of view. When someone new is brought into your life, especially someone who supposedly loves you; they tend to cover the cracks in your life with their own glue, isntead of permanently mending them. I know that it must be hard, to constantly be reminded of the others in my past, and how I'm forever effected. Yet he never stops, he forever has faith in me, and for this I am grateful.

He has insecurities and fears. I guess this isn't something that should be a positive, the ideal man would never feel pain. Every time he hurts, I hurt for him because I wish with everything in me that I could take it all away. In a sense though, it makes him seem more human, more touchable. Because of everything I have spoken about in the previous paragraphs sometimes it's hard to realize that he's just another person like you and me. It almost feels as if he is a superhero, some character from a love novel that every girl wishes they coudl have. Seeing his fears, and the things that scare him the most. Or hearing the small put downs that signal what his true insecurities are make my heart flutter. Because I'm picking up on the litle things, the possibly hidden things, that truly make him my Michael.

I guess, you could say that I'm in love with the most amazing man I have ever met.

At every moment of the day, there is some part of my mind that is flooded with thoughts of him. Maybe a song will come on the radio that reminds me of something he did earlier in the week, or I might see something that strikes a thought, no matter how it happens he's always on my mind. It's really the best escape I have ever had, no matter where I am, or what I'm going through, I can lose myself in the comfort of his arms. It's nearly impossible to feel sad or alone when he's on my mind. It's a constant reminder of my own perfection and beauty, constantly screaming that I can't give up on life. Even though it's been over five months, every time his IM pops up on my screen I giggle quietly to myself. I can't even contain the intense excitement then overtakes me at the thought that he's finally here again. The time flies by so much faster than with anyone else. It's almost like being on a high, at least what I imagine one would be like. My heart pounds, and I can feel my blood racing. Every breath of air makes me feel like I'm floating higher and higher into the never-ending expanses of space.

I never knew that it was possible to feel this way. To have your core and happiness feed off another person and their emotions. I'm so thankful that this is possible though, because there is no way my life would be fulfilled withuot him. I used to imagine my future with just work and animals, and it would make me smile. Knowing that I was fulfilling a duty that I was born to do. Recently though, that kind of image makes my stomach churn in anxiety. I hate it with a passion, because it isn't right. What does feel right though, is the thought to his lips pressing against the sensitive skin of my neck. His voice whispering against my ear to wake me up in the morning. The way goosebumps would raise all over my skin as I awoke from my deep sleep. I would cherish those times where small children would burst into the room, screaming excitedly about wanting pancakes. I could never write again, I could never become a vet, and still feel like the most successful woman in the world, if I was allowed to curl up into his arms at night.

Looking back now, I realize that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. This is chalked up to many reasons, but I know that a major one is Mike. Who would have thought that a boyfriend in my teen years would change everything about me in such a short time. I can now look in the mirror and appreciate who I am, I am no longer fearful of talking to people who I used to think were so much better than me, and I am not scared of showing who I truly am. How can people get to know me, if I never show them who I am inside? Sometimes, if you take a risk and let your true colors show great things come your way.

Who knows, you might find your own Michael some day.