Raised in the Era of Heroes and Cons
¿VIVA LA GLORIA?
I practically jumped out of my skin from how loud the scream was. I ran into the guest room and found Addie thrashing around in her sheets. I immediately phased into Saint mode, flying to the bed and shaking her shoulder forcefully until she woke up.
She just lay there for a moment, looking at me like a ghost. And then she started to cry. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and rocked her back and forth like I used to do with Jimmy. She took his usual spot, face in my neck and arms around my waist. I practically had to bite my lip to keep from crying at how familiar this was.
"They were just dropping like flies and I couldn't do anything. I was chained up and I couldn't do anything. I could've saved them. I could've saved them-"
"Addie-Addie, sweetie, calm down. It was just a dream. A terrible, terrible dream."
"Gloria, I could've saved them."
"It was just a dream-"
Her breathing practically stopped, making me immediately stop moving and close my eyes against the on coming wave of terror that was going to be placed on this poor girl. I didn't know what she saw, but it was obviously worse than the Saint if she reacted this badly to it.
"No. No, no, no, no, just go awa-"
She flinched into my neck, just like Jimmy used to. I ran a hand over her hair, trying to think of something to say but failing. I was at a loss. I knew practically nothing about this girl. Her fears, what form this illness took for her. I didn't know what I could say to ease any of this and I felt completely useless.
"I could. I could. Stop touching m-No!"
She pushed me away and hid her face in a pillow. I immediately started rubbing her back, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get her up from that position.
"Addie, it can't hurt you. No matter what it says, it can't-"
"YES THEY CAN," she practically screamed at me, covering her ears with her hands. I reached out towards her but she flinched away as if I could burn her with a single touch.
I was terrified. This was ten times more than anything that Jimmy had experienced. I had no weapons to defend her with and I was lost. I could only ride this out with her.
"I can. I can help! Don't-Don't-NO!"
"Tell me what I can do, Addie! God, just-Just help me!" I sounded desperate, even to myself. I was definitely not handling this well.
She just continued to speak to whatever she was seeing. Low whines and whimpers escaped her lips when she wasn't speaking and she seemed afraid to open her eyes. I pulled her into my chest and held on tight. I refused to let go, I wouldn't let her go through this alone.
"Addie, I'm here. Just tell me what you see and I can help you. Please."
It took her a long moment to speak. Obviously she didn't want to tell me, probably afraid that if she told me what was going on she would sound even more crazy than she seemed. Jimmy was the same way, but less reluctant. But that was a different matter. Jimmy and I were lying naked together, that wall had a hole punched in it. Addie was a stubborn teenager who had no connection to me at all.
"They're behind you."
"They?"
"Those girls. Twins. I don't know."
"Alright. So what are they saying?"
"Nothing. They're just staring at me."
"What did they say, then?"
"They said I wasn't wanted. They said I couldn't save anyone. They said I was useless."
"None of that is true."
"How do you know?" Her voice was soft, scared. It was as if she had already given in to them.
"I just do."
She stayed silent. I couldn't think of anything to say. But then my mouth was moving before I had a chance to take it back.
"Jimmy loves you, no matter what you think."
She froze. I let my arms drop and she slowly moved away from me.
"What?"
I sighed and pulled a smoke from the box in my pocket. There was no going back now. I took a moment to light up and inhale some toxic fumes before I started again. So much for quitting.
"Before I say anything, you have to promise that you won't hate me."
"What the hell are you talking-"
"Promise."
"Fine, whatever."
"Remember how you told me about your dad and Chris and that girl from '89?"
"Please don't tell me that-"
"I'm the girl."
She stared at me like I was the Ghost of fucking Christmas Yet to Come. And she wasn't exactly happy. I looked at the bed spread beneath us and sighed. Taking another drag, I started again.
"I didn't tell you about Sacramento when I told you my life story because I don't talk about Sacramento to anyone but Christian Elliot. Chris would be the only one who would understand, seeing he had the same sort of infatuation for your dad but less intense than how I had it."
"Don't fucking-"
"Addie, you need to hear this so you don't get stuck in some sick fantasy that I was the one who ruined your family. I didn't even know that Jimmy was the marrying kind until you said that your dad was Chris' best friend."
She sat there, starting at me. The gears in her mind must've been turning awfully hard to be able to process all of this. It was a few minutes before she spoke again, this time much more carefully. She was obviously trying not to start screaming at me. "Then tell me about Sacramento."
"I guess the first thing you should know is that your dad used to be addicted to cocaine. And alcohol. Apparently before we met there wasn't a day that would go by that he wouldn't be shooting up and drinking, usually around the same time. You should also know that Jimmy didn't believe in love, at all. Sex, drugs, alcohol. Those were the things he believed to be true."
"There is no fucking way that that is true. He doesn't even touch alcohol at home."
"Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you know everything about him, Addie."
"But he doesn't even-"
"Are you going to let me continue or are you just going to interrupt every other sentence?"
She glared at me but stayed silent.
"Now, I told you about my father. And I told you how I ran away when I was fifteen."
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went to Sacramento. I twas the farthest place away from Indiana that I could get. I got an apartment above a punk rock club and I worked at a strip joint to get the money I needed for performing arts school. They loved me at that school. Loved me so much that a year after I started the sent a scholarship application to one of the best dance schools in Chicago. I got in, all expenses paid."
I took another drag and she sat there patiently.
"Well, I continued working at a strip joint just so I had spare cash for food and...other things," I waved the cigarette in her face and she nodded. "Well, the people at the school found out and I was expelled. I was really fucking pissed. So I went to Canada to cool down and spent some time with friends up there. About a month into that visit I decided that I should get back to Sacramento and go back to school. Granted, I practically visited every state possible on the way back. But before I got back to California, I stopped in Nevada. And I met this guy. Nate."
She stared at me, blankly. God, if only she was Jimmy. He would understand the weight behind that name, though not for the same reasons.
"Nate and I...we were together for a long time. Maybe three months. Don't look at me like that, three months was a long time in the '80s. He was a great guy, and we planned to elope. Get married in some casino in Vegas or Reno then maybe trek up to Minnesota and start a new life. Then...well, Nate wasn't a very stable person. He had some major issues with his depression and..."
"And?"
"He stepped into traffic."
I forced myself to hold back the tears. God, I fucking missed Nate. He was my everything, and then he was just gone. No wonder I just jumped in bed with Jimmy. After a minute Addie reached over and put a hand on my knee.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just haven't thought about it in a while."
"Want me to make some coffee or something?"
"No, I should finish telling you what I'm telling you."
"Alright."
"So, well, Nate died. And I couldn't stay in Nevada with all those memories of him. So as soon as the funeral was over I went back to Sacramento. And when I got to the club, there was this large crowd around the stage. It was too late for a show to be happening, so I went up to my apartment to drop off my stuff, then I started making my way through the people to figure out what was going on. People started noticing me, freaked out that I was back. Pushed me to the front to show me this kid they called 'St. Jimmy.' It was your dad."
"Dad was a saint?"
"To drug addicts and sluts, yeah, I guess. But honestly, it kick started our relationship. We shared everything, spent every minute we possibly had together. The only times I Was away from him was for summer school and work, and he would pick me up from both places. By the end of the second week we were practically living together. But then August rolled around. And I got this message on my voice mail claiming that Jimmy had cheated on me with this girl I used to be friends with."
"That bastard. I'm going to have a talk with him when I get back-"
"Addie."
"Sorry."
I smiled and took another drag of my almost burned out cigarette.
"Well, after that message I stayed away from him for a few days. During those few days I missed my period. That boosted my emotional stress about ten steps. I was crying practically every day, and I didn't know what to do. After three or four days, he finally came to check on me. At that point I was so angry that I confronted him about the message and he admitted that he had cheated on me. And we had this fight. And I let slip that I was late, and he didn't understand. I took that chance to pack up a few things and I just ran."
"Oh my God."
"Yeah. Well, I didn't have the kid."
"Why not!?"
"Addie. I was sixteen. Your dad was seventeen. I could barely take care of myself, a baby was out of the question. I was so scared that I contemplated going back to Indiana, and I fucking hate Indiana. By the time I met Chris in New York, and at this point I hated Chris for reasons that I can't really explain to you, I was maybe three weeks into the pregnancy. So I did the first thing I thought of. I black mailed Chris into paying for the abortion. Somehow that helped us become friends, and it's all run from there."
Addie was quiet for a long expanse of time. I smiled and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "You're so much like Jimmy, you know that?"
"I am not."
"You smoke like he did, you have tattoos like he did, you're trying to save the world like he did, you're having the same sort of visions like he did-"
"Dad used to see things?"
"Yeah, he did. But I don't really think it's my place to talk about it."
She nodded. I gave a weak smile and stood up.
"So, do you want me to make coffee or something?"
Little girl, Little girl
Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul
..............Your heart is dying
Little one, little one
Your soul is purging
Of love and razor blades
Your blood is surging
.............RUNAWAY
From the river to the street
And find yourself
With your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
There is no place like home
When you got no place to go
...............LITTLE GIRL, LITTLE GIRL
...............YOUR LIFE IS CALLING
.............................The charlatans and saints
.............................Of your abandon
...............Little one little one
.............................The sky is falling
...............THE LIFEBOAT OF DECEPTION
.............................Is now sailing
In the wake all the way
NO RHYME OR REASON
...............Your bloodshot eyes
Will show your heart of treason
Little girl little girl
................YOU DIRTY LIAR
You're just a junkie
................Preaching to the choir
................RUNAWAY
From the River to the Street
And find yourself
With your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO PLACE TO GO
The races of blood
Always follow you home
..................Like the mascara tears
From your getaway
You're walking with blisters
And running with shears
.......................................SO UNHOLY
....................SISTER OF GRACE
She just lay there for a moment, looking at me like a ghost. And then she started to cry. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and rocked her back and forth like I used to do with Jimmy. She took his usual spot, face in my neck and arms around my waist. I practically had to bite my lip to keep from crying at how familiar this was.
"They were just dropping like flies and I couldn't do anything. I was chained up and I couldn't do anything. I could've saved them. I could've saved them-"
"Addie-Addie, sweetie, calm down. It was just a dream. A terrible, terrible dream."
"Gloria, I could've saved them."
"It was just a dream-"
Her breathing practically stopped, making me immediately stop moving and close my eyes against the on coming wave of terror that was going to be placed on this poor girl. I didn't know what she saw, but it was obviously worse than the Saint if she reacted this badly to it.
"No. No, no, no, no, just go awa-"
She flinched into my neck, just like Jimmy used to. I ran a hand over her hair, trying to think of something to say but failing. I was at a loss. I knew practically nothing about this girl. Her fears, what form this illness took for her. I didn't know what I could say to ease any of this and I felt completely useless.
"I could. I could. Stop touching m-No!"
She pushed me away and hid her face in a pillow. I immediately started rubbing her back, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get her up from that position.
"Addie, it can't hurt you. No matter what it says, it can't-"
"YES THEY CAN," she practically screamed at me, covering her ears with her hands. I reached out towards her but she flinched away as if I could burn her with a single touch.
I was terrified. This was ten times more than anything that Jimmy had experienced. I had no weapons to defend her with and I was lost. I could only ride this out with her.
"I can. I can help! Don't-Don't-NO!"
"Tell me what I can do, Addie! God, just-Just help me!" I sounded desperate, even to myself. I was definitely not handling this well.
She just continued to speak to whatever she was seeing. Low whines and whimpers escaped her lips when she wasn't speaking and she seemed afraid to open her eyes. I pulled her into my chest and held on tight. I refused to let go, I wouldn't let her go through this alone.
"Addie, I'm here. Just tell me what you see and I can help you. Please."
It took her a long moment to speak. Obviously she didn't want to tell me, probably afraid that if she told me what was going on she would sound even more crazy than she seemed. Jimmy was the same way, but less reluctant. But that was a different matter. Jimmy and I were lying naked together, that wall had a hole punched in it. Addie was a stubborn teenager who had no connection to me at all.
"They're behind you."
"They?"
"Those girls. Twins. I don't know."
"Alright. So what are they saying?"
"Nothing. They're just staring at me."
"What did they say, then?"
"They said I wasn't wanted. They said I couldn't save anyone. They said I was useless."
"None of that is true."
"How do you know?" Her voice was soft, scared. It was as if she had already given in to them.
"I just do."
She stayed silent. I couldn't think of anything to say. But then my mouth was moving before I had a chance to take it back.
"Jimmy loves you, no matter what you think."
She froze. I let my arms drop and she slowly moved away from me.
"What?"
I sighed and pulled a smoke from the box in my pocket. There was no going back now. I took a moment to light up and inhale some toxic fumes before I started again. So much for quitting.
"Before I say anything, you have to promise that you won't hate me."
"What the hell are you talking-"
"Promise."
"Fine, whatever."
"Remember how you told me about your dad and Chris and that girl from '89?"
"Please don't tell me that-"
"I'm the girl."
She stared at me like I was the Ghost of fucking Christmas Yet to Come. And she wasn't exactly happy. I looked at the bed spread beneath us and sighed. Taking another drag, I started again.
"I didn't tell you about Sacramento when I told you my life story because I don't talk about Sacramento to anyone but Christian Elliot. Chris would be the only one who would understand, seeing he had the same sort of infatuation for your dad but less intense than how I had it."
"Don't fucking-"
"Addie, you need to hear this so you don't get stuck in some sick fantasy that I was the one who ruined your family. I didn't even know that Jimmy was the marrying kind until you said that your dad was Chris' best friend."
She sat there, starting at me. The gears in her mind must've been turning awfully hard to be able to process all of this. It was a few minutes before she spoke again, this time much more carefully. She was obviously trying not to start screaming at me. "Then tell me about Sacramento."
"I guess the first thing you should know is that your dad used to be addicted to cocaine. And alcohol. Apparently before we met there wasn't a day that would go by that he wouldn't be shooting up and drinking, usually around the same time. You should also know that Jimmy didn't believe in love, at all. Sex, drugs, alcohol. Those were the things he believed to be true."
"There is no fucking way that that is true. He doesn't even touch alcohol at home."
"Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you know everything about him, Addie."
"But he doesn't even-"
"Are you going to let me continue or are you just going to interrupt every other sentence?"
She glared at me but stayed silent.
"Now, I told you about my father. And I told you how I ran away when I was fifteen."
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went to Sacramento. I twas the farthest place away from Indiana that I could get. I got an apartment above a punk rock club and I worked at a strip joint to get the money I needed for performing arts school. They loved me at that school. Loved me so much that a year after I started the sent a scholarship application to one of the best dance schools in Chicago. I got in, all expenses paid."
I took another drag and she sat there patiently.
"Well, I continued working at a strip joint just so I had spare cash for food and...other things," I waved the cigarette in her face and she nodded. "Well, the people at the school found out and I was expelled. I was really fucking pissed. So I went to Canada to cool down and spent some time with friends up there. About a month into that visit I decided that I should get back to Sacramento and go back to school. Granted, I practically visited every state possible on the way back. But before I got back to California, I stopped in Nevada. And I met this guy. Nate."
She stared at me, blankly. God, if only she was Jimmy. He would understand the weight behind that name, though not for the same reasons.
"Nate and I...we were together for a long time. Maybe three months. Don't look at me like that, three months was a long time in the '80s. He was a great guy, and we planned to elope. Get married in some casino in Vegas or Reno then maybe trek up to Minnesota and start a new life. Then...well, Nate wasn't a very stable person. He had some major issues with his depression and..."
"And?"
"He stepped into traffic."
I forced myself to hold back the tears. God, I fucking missed Nate. He was my everything, and then he was just gone. No wonder I just jumped in bed with Jimmy. After a minute Addie reached over and put a hand on my knee.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, just haven't thought about it in a while."
"Want me to make some coffee or something?"
"No, I should finish telling you what I'm telling you."
"Alright."
"So, well, Nate died. And I couldn't stay in Nevada with all those memories of him. So as soon as the funeral was over I went back to Sacramento. And when I got to the club, there was this large crowd around the stage. It was too late for a show to be happening, so I went up to my apartment to drop off my stuff, then I started making my way through the people to figure out what was going on. People started noticing me, freaked out that I was back. Pushed me to the front to show me this kid they called 'St. Jimmy.' It was your dad."
"Dad was a saint?"
"To drug addicts and sluts, yeah, I guess. But honestly, it kick started our relationship. We shared everything, spent every minute we possibly had together. The only times I Was away from him was for summer school and work, and he would pick me up from both places. By the end of the second week we were practically living together. But then August rolled around. And I got this message on my voice mail claiming that Jimmy had cheated on me with this girl I used to be friends with."
"That bastard. I'm going to have a talk with him when I get back-"
"Addie."
"Sorry."
I smiled and took another drag of my almost burned out cigarette.
"Well, after that message I stayed away from him for a few days. During those few days I missed my period. That boosted my emotional stress about ten steps. I was crying practically every day, and I didn't know what to do. After three or four days, he finally came to check on me. At that point I was so angry that I confronted him about the message and he admitted that he had cheated on me. And we had this fight. And I let slip that I was late, and he didn't understand. I took that chance to pack up a few things and I just ran."
"Oh my God."
"Yeah. Well, I didn't have the kid."
"Why not!?"
"Addie. I was sixteen. Your dad was seventeen. I could barely take care of myself, a baby was out of the question. I was so scared that I contemplated going back to Indiana, and I fucking hate Indiana. By the time I met Chris in New York, and at this point I hated Chris for reasons that I can't really explain to you, I was maybe three weeks into the pregnancy. So I did the first thing I thought of. I black mailed Chris into paying for the abortion. Somehow that helped us become friends, and it's all run from there."
Addie was quiet for a long expanse of time. I smiled and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "You're so much like Jimmy, you know that?"
"I am not."
"You smoke like he did, you have tattoos like he did, you're trying to save the world like he did, you're having the same sort of visions like he did-"
"Dad used to see things?"
"Yeah, he did. But I don't really think it's my place to talk about it."
She nodded. I gave a weak smile and stood up.
"So, do you want me to make coffee or something?"
Little girl, Little girl
Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul
..............Your heart is dying
Little one, little one
Your soul is purging
Of love and razor blades
Your blood is surging
.............RUNAWAY
From the river to the street
And find yourself
With your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
There is no place like home
When you got no place to go
...............LITTLE GIRL, LITTLE GIRL
...............YOUR LIFE IS CALLING
.............................The charlatans and saints
.............................Of your abandon
...............Little one little one
.............................The sky is falling
...............THE LIFEBOAT OF DECEPTION
.............................Is now sailing
In the wake all the way
NO RHYME OR REASON
...............Your bloodshot eyes
Will show your heart of treason
Little girl little girl
................YOU DIRTY LIAR
You're just a junkie
................Preaching to the choir
................RUNAWAY
From the River to the Street
And find yourself
With your face in the gutter
You're a stray for the Salvation Army
THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME
WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO PLACE TO GO
The races of blood
Always follow you home
..................Like the mascara tears
From your getaway
You're walking with blisters
And running with shears
.......................................SO UNHOLY
....................SISTER OF GRACE
♠ ♠ ♠
I don't exactly enjoy this chapter, which is probably why I put off posting it for so long, but as a promise to a friend I posted it. The only part I like about this chapter is that I get to dig into Gloria's character a bit and we actually find out who Nate is (if you guys even remember Nate back from the LETTERBOMB chapter in Jimmy).The next two chapters (Restless Heart Syndrome and Horseshoes and Handgrenades) are much better in my opinion (maybe it's just because I like to fuck with my characters, whatever).