Raised in the Era of Heroes and Cons
21 GUNS
I have to admit, I liked Addie, and I liked her thought process, but it became clear to me when we left that she had another trait of Jimmy's.
She didn't like being told she was wrong.
If I thought Jimmy was bad, Addison was something else. As soon as she hit the sidewalk, she walked about a foot in front of me without even knowing where she was going. She didn't look at me, she didn't speak, she didn't give any indication that she acknowledged my presence other than turning a specific direction when I told her to.
Jimmy would at least look at me. Sure, it'd be a glare while he sat cross legged on the Lazy-Boy, but he would at least look at me. It also helped that he could never stay angry with me, especially when I gave up trying to get him to talk to me and started to leave the apartment. He'd jump up and barricade the door with his body and we'd apologize and everything would be better.
No such luck with his kid.
After storming into the studio, she sat herself in the corner farthest away from where I stood and glared at the wall while I taught the choreography to the dancers provided to me. I could tell she was watching, though. The leaps and spins intrigued her, I could tell by the way her fingers twitched as her eyes flicked from one dancer to the next as they copied my movements. She was interested, even though she didn't want to be. It would mean giving in if she blatantly studied what we were doing.
She sat there for hours, barely moving, only eating the food that was offered to her. It was starting to piss me off. She could at least talk to me. She could at least tell me that she was mad and get the fuck over herself. She was too much like Jimmy for her own damn good, and I was starting to get too frustrated to put up with that level of teenage bull shit.
Around one I finally let the dancers go do whatever they hell it was they did outside of their jobs. I avoided contact with Addison as much as possible while I packed my duffel. She just stood in the center of the room, staring at me as I shoved my feet into my street shoes. She didn't even move when I pulled on my jacket and made my way to the door.
I was half way there when she spoke.
"Where the hell are you going?"
"I'm leaving, I'm assuming you're coming with me."
I started walking again.
"What the hell is your problem?"
I turned. "My problem? What the hell is your problem, Addie?"
"You wouldn't even look at me after we left your apartment. All I did was say you were wrong about the music."
I think I could've shot lasers out of my eyes. Is that what she was thinking about for the past seven hours? How she could turn this around to make it look like I was being the stubborn idiot who refused to even look at the person she was angry with?
"Addie, I think you have your perspectives switched here. I was the one that told you that you were wrong. And I was right. There is no 'message.' Get over it and let's go."
"No, you're wrong. There is a message. Look around you! Listen! Artists are crying out for those who can't speak their minds on their own! Poverty, the addicted, you, me, everyone."
"What the hell do you need a message for, Addison? I know that I sure as hell would have a message from some band out there, but you sure as hell wouldn't."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"You're a spoiled, rich, little brat, Addison."
"What gives you the right-"
"Have you ever been denied the choice of doing something that you love doing?"
"What does that-"
"Have you ever run away from home, permanently?"
"No-"
"Has someone you loved ever thrown themselves out into traffic because they would rather make their own way out than trying to make it better?"
"You can't play the Nate card, that's not-"
"Have you ever lived by yourself and had to work in a strip club to pay your way through school?"
"God, no-"
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you felt physical pain when you were away from them for only a minute?"
"Maybe, I don't-"
"Have you ever had to kill someone that your world revolves around?"
She stared at me for a long time, eyes cautious as she formulated her answer.
"The abortion was your choice, Gloria."
"CHOICE!? I was sixteen, scared, and too desperate to hold onto everything I knew to get my fucking act together and take care of my own child. That's not much of a choice, Addison. That's fear taking hold of every single cell in my body and telling me to run for my life. I never wanted to give up that child. I never wanted to go to that clinic and kill the one person I would jump in front of a bus for. It's been 21 years and every April 23rd I still lock myself in my apartment and refuse to eat, sleep or speak to anyone.
"Each year is a bullet shot point blank to the chest, Addie. Each year it hurts a fraction more. 21 years. 21 times that barely healing scab has been ripped from my heart. I keep expecting that one day it'll hurt less. One day I'll become numb to the pain of giving up that child inside of me. It doesn't go away. It just doesn't go away."
I could feel my whole wall of protection crashing down around me. I hadn't even admitted this to myself yet. I really never had wanted to give up that child. I put up this horrible mask and pretended that it was okay and that it was my choice but it wasn't. I wanted to go back in time and tell Jimmy flat out that he was going to be a father and that I wanted to be with him forever and have that baby with him. I wanted all the days I missed with Tommy or Jude, whoever they were going to end up being. I wanted the life that I could see myself having if everything had been different. I would give up this job, the job I had dreamed about since I was five, I would give up this life, I would give up everything just to have that life that I gave up at the clinic on East 12th Street.
"Addison StClaire, you do not understand the true meaning of a message. You never have had need for one. Look at your life. You have a family that loves you. You have a home to live in. You don't have to work very hard to get the things that you want. You'll most likely get into the college of your choice and end up working in your preferred field. You only pretend that you're some misunderstood teenager looking for the answers because they're all in front of you. Jesus Christ, give up this facade and let those who actually need the message decide what's a message or not."
She just stood there and stared at me for the longest time. Silent, questioning, almost heartbroken. Her eyes flicked from my face to my stomach, obviously trying to imagine me as my sixteen year old self, pregnant and scared and wanting to get away from it all. She would never know the full extent. She would never know Whatsername. She only had what was in front of her, and what was in front of her barely resembled the confidence and cockiness that was my sixteenth year. I would never be Whatsername again, no matter how much I wanted to be. I was battered and broken and older than I ever thought I would end up being.
Finally she looked into my eyes, and I was shocked at what I saw there. I saw fear and pain. I saw remorse and I saw the tears that were threatening to fall without anyone to comfort her.
I set my duffel down on the floor and held my arms out for her. She closed the gap between us in only three strides and almost immediately sobs started to wrack her body. I held her close, letting her ride this wave for as long as she wanted to.
When she could finally breathe normally again, she didn't look at me. She didn't let go. She just said one thing.
"I want to go home."
Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
......................Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating
Does the pain weight out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide
Did someone break your heart inside
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
.......................Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
.......................You and I
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
YOUR FAITH WALKS ON BROKEN GLASS
And the hangover doesn't pass
NOTHING'S EVER BUILT TO LAST
.......................You're in ruins
DID YOU TRY TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN
WHEN YOU BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE AND HOME
DID YOU STAND TOO CLOSE TO THE FIRE
LIKE A LIAR LOOKING FOR FORGIVENESS FROM A STONE
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
.......................You're in ruins
She didn't like being told she was wrong.
If I thought Jimmy was bad, Addison was something else. As soon as she hit the sidewalk, she walked about a foot in front of me without even knowing where she was going. She didn't look at me, she didn't speak, she didn't give any indication that she acknowledged my presence other than turning a specific direction when I told her to.
Jimmy would at least look at me. Sure, it'd be a glare while he sat cross legged on the Lazy-Boy, but he would at least look at me. It also helped that he could never stay angry with me, especially when I gave up trying to get him to talk to me and started to leave the apartment. He'd jump up and barricade the door with his body and we'd apologize and everything would be better.
No such luck with his kid.
After storming into the studio, she sat herself in the corner farthest away from where I stood and glared at the wall while I taught the choreography to the dancers provided to me. I could tell she was watching, though. The leaps and spins intrigued her, I could tell by the way her fingers twitched as her eyes flicked from one dancer to the next as they copied my movements. She was interested, even though she didn't want to be. It would mean giving in if she blatantly studied what we were doing.
She sat there for hours, barely moving, only eating the food that was offered to her. It was starting to piss me off. She could at least talk to me. She could at least tell me that she was mad and get the fuck over herself. She was too much like Jimmy for her own damn good, and I was starting to get too frustrated to put up with that level of teenage bull shit.
Around one I finally let the dancers go do whatever they hell it was they did outside of their jobs. I avoided contact with Addison as much as possible while I packed my duffel. She just stood in the center of the room, staring at me as I shoved my feet into my street shoes. She didn't even move when I pulled on my jacket and made my way to the door.
I was half way there when she spoke.
"Where the hell are you going?"
"I'm leaving, I'm assuming you're coming with me."
I started walking again.
"What the hell is your problem?"
I turned. "My problem? What the hell is your problem, Addie?"
"You wouldn't even look at me after we left your apartment. All I did was say you were wrong about the music."
I think I could've shot lasers out of my eyes. Is that what she was thinking about for the past seven hours? How she could turn this around to make it look like I was being the stubborn idiot who refused to even look at the person she was angry with?
"Addie, I think you have your perspectives switched here. I was the one that told you that you were wrong. And I was right. There is no 'message.' Get over it and let's go."
"No, you're wrong. There is a message. Look around you! Listen! Artists are crying out for those who can't speak their minds on their own! Poverty, the addicted, you, me, everyone."
"What the hell do you need a message for, Addison? I know that I sure as hell would have a message from some band out there, but you sure as hell wouldn't."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"You're a spoiled, rich, little brat, Addison."
"What gives you the right-"
"Have you ever been denied the choice of doing something that you love doing?"
"What does that-"
"Have you ever run away from home, permanently?"
"No-"
"Has someone you loved ever thrown themselves out into traffic because they would rather make their own way out than trying to make it better?"
"You can't play the Nate card, that's not-"
"Have you ever lived by yourself and had to work in a strip club to pay your way through school?"
"God, no-"
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you felt physical pain when you were away from them for only a minute?"
"Maybe, I don't-"
"Have you ever had to kill someone that your world revolves around?"
She stared at me for a long time, eyes cautious as she formulated her answer.
"The abortion was your choice, Gloria."
"CHOICE!? I was sixteen, scared, and too desperate to hold onto everything I knew to get my fucking act together and take care of my own child. That's not much of a choice, Addison. That's fear taking hold of every single cell in my body and telling me to run for my life. I never wanted to give up that child. I never wanted to go to that clinic and kill the one person I would jump in front of a bus for. It's been 21 years and every April 23rd I still lock myself in my apartment and refuse to eat, sleep or speak to anyone.
"Each year is a bullet shot point blank to the chest, Addie. Each year it hurts a fraction more. 21 years. 21 times that barely healing scab has been ripped from my heart. I keep expecting that one day it'll hurt less. One day I'll become numb to the pain of giving up that child inside of me. It doesn't go away. It just doesn't go away."
I could feel my whole wall of protection crashing down around me. I hadn't even admitted this to myself yet. I really never had wanted to give up that child. I put up this horrible mask and pretended that it was okay and that it was my choice but it wasn't. I wanted to go back in time and tell Jimmy flat out that he was going to be a father and that I wanted to be with him forever and have that baby with him. I wanted all the days I missed with Tommy or Jude, whoever they were going to end up being. I wanted the life that I could see myself having if everything had been different. I would give up this job, the job I had dreamed about since I was five, I would give up this life, I would give up everything just to have that life that I gave up at the clinic on East 12th Street.
"Addison StClaire, you do not understand the true meaning of a message. You never have had need for one. Look at your life. You have a family that loves you. You have a home to live in. You don't have to work very hard to get the things that you want. You'll most likely get into the college of your choice and end up working in your preferred field. You only pretend that you're some misunderstood teenager looking for the answers because they're all in front of you. Jesus Christ, give up this facade and let those who actually need the message decide what's a message or not."
She just stood there and stared at me for the longest time. Silent, questioning, almost heartbroken. Her eyes flicked from my face to my stomach, obviously trying to imagine me as my sixteen year old self, pregnant and scared and wanting to get away from it all. She would never know the full extent. She would never know Whatsername. She only had what was in front of her, and what was in front of her barely resembled the confidence and cockiness that was my sixteenth year. I would never be Whatsername again, no matter how much I wanted to be. I was battered and broken and older than I ever thought I would end up being.
Finally she looked into my eyes, and I was shocked at what I saw there. I saw fear and pain. I saw remorse and I saw the tears that were threatening to fall without anyone to comfort her.
I set my duffel down on the floor and held my arms out for her. She closed the gap between us in only three strides and almost immediately sobs started to wrack her body. I held her close, letting her ride this wave for as long as she wanted to.
When she could finally breathe normally again, she didn't look at me. She didn't let go. She just said one thing.
"I want to go home."
Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
......................Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating
Does the pain weight out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide
Did someone break your heart inside
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
.......................Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
.......................You and I
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
YOUR FAITH WALKS ON BROKEN GLASS
And the hangover doesn't pass
NOTHING'S EVER BUILT TO LAST
.......................You're in ruins
DID YOU TRY TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN
WHEN YOU BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE AND HOME
DID YOU STAND TOO CLOSE TO THE FIRE
LIKE A LIAR LOOKING FOR FORGIVENESS FROM A STONE
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
.......................You're in ruins
♠ ♠ ♠
I honestly believe this is the best writing I have EVER done. Just going to throw that out there.Also, I mentioned something that most readers wouldn't understand unless they're two SPECIFIC people who were there the day I decided to change this thing involving Nate. I changed this little bit of information in [LITTLE GIRL] so I feel like you should go back and read it and educate yourselves.