Raised in the Era of Heroes and Cons
SEE THE LIGHT
After Jimmy got the text from Chris we went back to my place.
Don't give me that look. It was closer.
And to be frank, I didn't want to walk past East 12th Street with Jimmy. Ever. Too many bad memories, too many confused feelings, too much of the past.
I wanted to be here and now, in New York with Jimmy. Post-California, post-Saint, post-Whatsername, post-breakdown.
I need to know if this was going to be pre- anything.
Pre-us.
Pre-together.
Pre-forever.
I needed to know if we still had something.
And I was terrified. Terrified that it wouldn't be the same. Terrified that everything I felt for him was based on memories that were blurred by time. Terrified that he only loved me for the girl I could never be.
Terrified that we would fall apart again.
All of these proved to be the stupidest fears on the planet. Somewhat.
We walked in silence back to my place, nerves still rattled from the chaos that was the riot. I kept thinking of things to say, but it all sounded so stupid, and I was just so happy to be with him that I was afraid that I would ruin everything by just opening my mouth and saying the stupidest fucking thing ever uttered by a human being.
When we got back to my apartment, I pulled out a smoke because of how nervous I was. Nicotine would calm me down, oh yeah. He just stared at me while I lit up, and I was so afraid that he was going to end up being one of those born again fucks who keeps all their tattoos to be an example and looks down on people who smoke that I almost choked as I took the first drag.
"Jesus, Jimmy, stop staring at me like that."
And he just grinned that stupid, amazing grin that I remembered so well.
"You still smoke the Cloves."
And all the tension and fear just melted away and I couldn't help but grin back.
"Yeah."
"They smell worse than I remember."
"They're more expensive than you fucking remember, too. Want one?"
"I got my own, thanks."
And we were just back to where we left off. Smoking, talking, lounging on the couch, being with each other. It wasn't forced. It wasn't awkward. It was just us, being us. I could talk about dance and he could talk about psychology and we could laugh about the old days and the scar he still had on his stomach from the belly button piercing from that lost night.
But of course I had to bring up the heavy things. I always do.
"So, ever find someone after...y'know? I mean, Addison couldn't have just popped up out of nowhere."
"Yeah, I was married until Addie turned four."
"What was her name?"
"Kristin. She's great, but it just didn't work out."
"Why?"
And he just gave me this look. This are you seriously that dumb? sort of look.
"You."
"Oh."
There was a pause, something that I never found to be a good sign.
"What about you?"
I answered without thinking.
"No one."
"What about Whatshisface?"
"What?"
"Blond, handsome, polite looking. Everything I wasn't."
Fuck.
Nate.
I had forgotten all about that.
"Jimmy, can we not talk about Nate?"
"You asked me about Kristin, shouldn't I have the right to know about Whatshisname?"
"Jimmy, I don't want to talk about him."
"If he was so important to you, loved you so much more than I did, I want to know about Whatshisface-"
I shoved myself off the couch and glared at Jimmy, the worst glare I had given anyone in years.
"Stop calling him that."
"You asked about Kristin, I have every right-"
"You could've said NO. You couldn't not talked about Kristin! I wouldn't have cared! But Nate was important to me!"
"Why was he so important to you, huh? Why was he more important than me?"
"HE WASN'T!"
"THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE WITH HIM?"
"I DIDN'T!"
I stalked over to the desk I loved so dearly, snatched a photograph from it, and shoved it in Jimmy's face.
"This is me and Nate, three months before I met you. One day before he jumped in front of traffic and died. This is why I didn't want to talk about him, okay? Because there really wasn't anyone after you."
I threw the picture at his feet and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me before I face planed on my bed and just started sobbing. I'm so stupid. Of course he wouldn't change. This is so like him. So seventeen-year-old Jimmy. Rude and inconsiderate, impossible to work with, and making me hate myself for needing him so much.
It was just like the night that I came back to the City all those years ago. It was right after the abortion and he left the message on my machine. I cried as he message recorded and he apologized in his horribly fake way and said that he was going home and I just watched my door, waiting for him to come home. But he never did. And I just kept crying and sobbing and begging for him to just come up and say he was sorry to my face. And he never did.
But the knock on my door came much sooner than I thought it was going to. And the pressure on the side of my bed from him sitting down didn't immediately disappear like it used to.
"Gloria?"
I refused to speak to him.
"Gloria, I'm sorry."
This was definitely unexpected.
"I'm stupid and jealous and I'll admit that I need you more than I've ever let on."
I felt him adjusting so that he was lying on the bed next to me.
"Gloria, forgive me. I should've just shut up. Now I've ruined everything again by sheer stupidity."
I turned so I could face him. He looked cautious and apologetic and grown up. I had to fight to keep the grin back. It was such a strange look for him.
"Well, you are stupid."
"Yeah, I know."
"No, like, seriously. You're a fucking idiot."
"Don't push it Gloria-"
"You're an American Idiot."
I watched for his reaction. I bet he thought that I didn't even remember. I bet he barely even remembered himself. That journal was just so old. I bet he never even looked at it anymore.
But then he smiled.
"If I'm an American Idiot, so are you."
And we kissed.
And everything fell back into place.
He spent the night and I went back to California with him and Addie two days later.
Three months later, he proposed. Why it took him three months, I have no idea, but I don't care.
In a week I'm not going to be Gloria Taylor anymore. I'll be Gloria StClaire.
Jimmy doesn't even know that I'm five weeks into my pregnancy yet.
And if I had the chance to go back and change anything, I would go to the 16 year old me and I would hold her to me. That poor, broken, battered, desperate girl. I would go to her and I would tell her not to worry.
I'd tell her not to cry.
I'd tell her that even if it seems like it's all over and her world is falling down around her, it's not.
Because she'll get what she really needs eventually.
Because her Happily Ever After is in the hands of Fate.
I crossed the river
Fell into the sea
Where the non-believers
...............Go beyond belief
Then I scratched the surface
In the mouth of hell
Running out of service
In the blood I fell
I just want to see the light
I don't want to lose my sight
I just want to see the light
I need to know
What's worth the fight
I've been wasted
Pills and alcohol
I've been chasing
Down the pool halls
I drank the water
From a hurricane
I set a fire
Just to see the flame
I crossed the desert
Reaching higher ground
Then I found the pavement
To take the liars down
But it's gone forever
But never too late
Where the ever after
Is in the hands of Fate
Don't give me that look. It was closer.
And to be frank, I didn't want to walk past East 12th Street with Jimmy. Ever. Too many bad memories, too many confused feelings, too much of the past.
I wanted to be here and now, in New York with Jimmy. Post-California, post-Saint, post-Whatsername, post-breakdown.
I need to know if this was going to be pre- anything.
Pre-us.
Pre-together.
Pre-forever.
I needed to know if we still had something.
And I was terrified. Terrified that it wouldn't be the same. Terrified that everything I felt for him was based on memories that were blurred by time. Terrified that he only loved me for the girl I could never be.
Terrified that we would fall apart again.
All of these proved to be the stupidest fears on the planet. Somewhat.
We walked in silence back to my place, nerves still rattled from the chaos that was the riot. I kept thinking of things to say, but it all sounded so stupid, and I was just so happy to be with him that I was afraid that I would ruin everything by just opening my mouth and saying the stupidest fucking thing ever uttered by a human being.
When we got back to my apartment, I pulled out a smoke because of how nervous I was. Nicotine would calm me down, oh yeah. He just stared at me while I lit up, and I was so afraid that he was going to end up being one of those born again fucks who keeps all their tattoos to be an example and looks down on people who smoke that I almost choked as I took the first drag.
"Jesus, Jimmy, stop staring at me like that."
And he just grinned that stupid, amazing grin that I remembered so well.
"You still smoke the Cloves."
And all the tension and fear just melted away and I couldn't help but grin back.
"Yeah."
"They smell worse than I remember."
"They're more expensive than you fucking remember, too. Want one?"
"I got my own, thanks."
And we were just back to where we left off. Smoking, talking, lounging on the couch, being with each other. It wasn't forced. It wasn't awkward. It was just us, being us. I could talk about dance and he could talk about psychology and we could laugh about the old days and the scar he still had on his stomach from the belly button piercing from that lost night.
But of course I had to bring up the heavy things. I always do.
"So, ever find someone after...y'know? I mean, Addison couldn't have just popped up out of nowhere."
"Yeah, I was married until Addie turned four."
"What was her name?"
"Kristin. She's great, but it just didn't work out."
"Why?"
And he just gave me this look. This are you seriously that dumb? sort of look.
"You."
"Oh."
There was a pause, something that I never found to be a good sign.
"What about you?"
I answered without thinking.
"No one."
"What about Whatshisface?"
"What?"
"Blond, handsome, polite looking. Everything I wasn't."
Fuck.
Nate.
I had forgotten all about that.
"Jimmy, can we not talk about Nate?"
"You asked me about Kristin, shouldn't I have the right to know about Whatshisname?"
"Jimmy, I don't want to talk about him."
"If he was so important to you, loved you so much more than I did, I want to know about Whatshisface-"
I shoved myself off the couch and glared at Jimmy, the worst glare I had given anyone in years.
"Stop calling him that."
"You asked about Kristin, I have every right-"
"You could've said NO. You couldn't not talked about Kristin! I wouldn't have cared! But Nate was important to me!"
"Why was he so important to you, huh? Why was he more important than me?"
"HE WASN'T!"
"THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE WITH HIM?"
"I DIDN'T!"
I stalked over to the desk I loved so dearly, snatched a photograph from it, and shoved it in Jimmy's face.
"This is me and Nate, three months before I met you. One day before he jumped in front of traffic and died. This is why I didn't want to talk about him, okay? Because there really wasn't anyone after you."
I threw the picture at his feet and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me before I face planed on my bed and just started sobbing. I'm so stupid. Of course he wouldn't change. This is so like him. So seventeen-year-old Jimmy. Rude and inconsiderate, impossible to work with, and making me hate myself for needing him so much.
It was just like the night that I came back to the City all those years ago. It was right after the abortion and he left the message on my machine. I cried as he message recorded and he apologized in his horribly fake way and said that he was going home and I just watched my door, waiting for him to come home. But he never did. And I just kept crying and sobbing and begging for him to just come up and say he was sorry to my face. And he never did.
But the knock on my door came much sooner than I thought it was going to. And the pressure on the side of my bed from him sitting down didn't immediately disappear like it used to.
"Gloria?"
I refused to speak to him.
"Gloria, I'm sorry."
This was definitely unexpected.
"I'm stupid and jealous and I'll admit that I need you more than I've ever let on."
I felt him adjusting so that he was lying on the bed next to me.
"Gloria, forgive me. I should've just shut up. Now I've ruined everything again by sheer stupidity."
I turned so I could face him. He looked cautious and apologetic and grown up. I had to fight to keep the grin back. It was such a strange look for him.
"Well, you are stupid."
"Yeah, I know."
"No, like, seriously. You're a fucking idiot."
"Don't push it Gloria-"
"You're an American Idiot."
I watched for his reaction. I bet he thought that I didn't even remember. I bet he barely even remembered himself. That journal was just so old. I bet he never even looked at it anymore.
But then he smiled.
"If I'm an American Idiot, so are you."
And we kissed.
And everything fell back into place.
He spent the night and I went back to California with him and Addie two days later.
Three months later, he proposed. Why it took him three months, I have no idea, but I don't care.
In a week I'm not going to be Gloria Taylor anymore. I'll be Gloria StClaire.
Jimmy doesn't even know that I'm five weeks into my pregnancy yet.
And if I had the chance to go back and change anything, I would go to the 16 year old me and I would hold her to me. That poor, broken, battered, desperate girl. I would go to her and I would tell her not to worry.
I'd tell her not to cry.
I'd tell her that even if it seems like it's all over and her world is falling down around her, it's not.
Because she'll get what she really needs eventually.
Because her Happily Ever After is in the hands of Fate.
I crossed the river
Fell into the sea
Where the non-believers
...............Go beyond belief
Then I scratched the surface
In the mouth of hell
Running out of service
In the blood I fell
I just want to see the light
I don't want to lose my sight
I just want to see the light
I need to know
What's worth the fight
I've been wasted
Pills and alcohol
I've been chasing
Down the pool halls
I drank the water
From a hurricane
I set a fire
Just to see the flame
I crossed the desert
Reaching higher ground
Then I found the pavement
To take the liars down
But it's gone forever
But never too late
Where the ever after
Is in the hands of Fate
♠ ♠ ♠
I am almost crying, oh God.I love everyone in this story so much, I don't want to let them go. Ever.
I even love Lucy, who you guys don't really know about (Jimmy and Gloria's baby, by the by), with all my heart.
I am just so fucking attached to this story.
And now it's done.
I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.
I love you all.
I guess this is good bye.