Raised in the Era of Heroes and Cons
¡VIVA LA GLORIA!
My hands were shaking as I took the phone.
My hands haven't shook this horribly since I stopped drinking.
"Hey."
"Was that...?"
I paused, hoping that she would say his name for once. Just say his name without hurt or contempt but the need that I knew she still had. God damn it, I was her best friend, I could tell that she still craved his touch even after all these years.
Behind me I heard Jimmy trying to keep his voice level.
"Addie, go back to the apartment."
"But Dad-"
"Please, just go. Christian and I have to talk about...things." Even though I was turned away from him, he knew I was listening.
I heard Addison sigh and walk out, huffing down the hallway while murmuring things like "Not fair" and "Why does he get to talk to Christian, he had years."
"Yeah," I said softly, "it was."
I could hear Gloria's voice hitch in her throat.
"Um, well, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be back from Paris in a week or so..."
"Yeah, tour's done in about that time. I'll call you when I get back?"
"Yeah, okay... Um, C-Chris?"
I could tell she was about to cry. This was too much for her. Even though she acted though, she was broken. Just so broken. "Yeah?"
"How does Ji-How does he look?" So close.
I glanced at Jimmy. He had turned away from me, lighting a cigarette, the way his shoulders were tensed told me that he was angry. How I could even tell that after all these years, I wasn't sure.
"Well, he's still smoking, and he seems pretty pissed with me..." I heard Jimmy give a small snort, an obvious Fuck yeah, I'm pissed with you.
"So he's pretty much the same?"
I gave a short laugh. "Yeah, seems like it."
I heard her laugh, but it was a strained thing. She was already crying, trying to hold herself together for a few more seconds. If you went to my 22 year old self and told him that one day he would feel this heart wrenching pain for a woman he would've spit whatever he was drinking all over you.
"Well, call me when you get back, okay? We can go to that place we like. Y'know, the coffee house?"
Nice job Gloria, changing the subject when I knew all you wanted to hear about was him.
"Yeah, definitely."
I hung up and turned to face Jimmy, who already had been burning holes in my back with his stare, arms crossed, scowl in place. He almost looked seventeen again with his messy hair and don't-fuck-with-me glare.
"When?"
Oh the simple question. He knew. Of course he knew, how else would I even know her? I mean, I was stupid and 22, what else would I have been doing with her?
"She estimates it was about a week after she sent the letter, whatever that means."
I watched as his vision clouded for a second, recognition sweeping over his features before his face returned to the anger.
"For how long?"
"It was just the once-"
"Bull shit."
I laughed, running a hand through my messed up hair that was caked with the sweat and excitement that was that night's show. "I swear, it was only one time. I know that I was a dick to you the last time I saw you, but it was just the once."
And boy did I remember that one time.
It was just after one, maybe two in the morning. I was relaxing after that night's show, having a smoke outside of the venue after all the fans went home, about to go back to my new apartment.
The city was aglow from car headlights and the neon signs from China Town, advertising nightly companionship for the lonely and the rich.
God I loved New York.
I stamped out my cigarette and pushed myself off the wall I had been leaning on and started walking home. About a block from my building she appeared, all flirty grins and bright eyes.
"You're Christian Elliot," she said matter-of-factly. Not a question, but a statement. Obviously a fan of the band, my first thought was this girl might just be the first to see the inside of my apartment.
"Yeah, and you are?"
"W."
"W?"
"Yeah. Great show."
"Thanks."
We were walking together now, only feet from my front door. We stood there for a moment, I was looking at the window that was my apartment, waiting for me to get home. She was looking at me, still grinning, still flirty, now looking a bit cocky.
I liked that.
"You want to come up...?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
Her mouth was on mine in a heartbeat and then I was leading her up to my apartment and we were barely inside before we were pulling off clothes and getting naked and moving together in that dance that I loved to say that I had danced a million times before.
When it was over I couldn't believe that she was real. She reached over me to grab a carton of cigarettes and a lighter out of her jeans' pocket and lit up with a grin.
"So, where're you from, Christian?"
Weird. Probably should've set me off at the time, a girl asking questions after sex. But for some reason I didn't really care.
"This shitty little place back in California, a few hours away from this shitty town that I can't even really remember the name of. We always just used to call it Shitsville anyway."
"So you lived in Shitsville?" It sounded as if she had said the name before, but I pushed it to the side of my mind.
"No, the town I used to live in we called Jingletown. Great place, way better than Shitsville. Always had the best parties."
"I'm sure."
"Yeah. I was actually worshiped back there," I was starting to get nostalgic. Maybe even a bit home sick. I should call Mom later, tell her I'm okay. "Had my own little following, people who would literally follow my way of life."
"Mmhmm..." I heard a bit of recognition in her voice, almost as if she had heard this story before.
"Sex, drugs, always staying out. Great stuff those days."
She started getting up, looking worried. "You sound like Jimmy."
I pulled a blank. "Wait, I know a kid named Jimmy. Dark hair, always messy, angry all the time-"
She immediately shot off the bed, gasping and looking horrified. I sat up, confused. Definitely not the reaction I was expecting.
"What?"
"You're Tunny."
"How do you know that name?"
That's when she started getting angry. She pulled on her clothes with such force I thought she was going to accidentally rip her shirt in half as she pulled it over her head.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting as far away from you as possible."
"What?"
She rounded on me, pointing, eyes burning with a fire that I hadn't seen before in anyone I knew.
"You're the reason why he was so fucked up, you're the reason why we fell apart-"
"How do you even know Jimmy?"
"HOW DO I KNOW HIM? I MET HIM WHERE YOU LEFT HIM, ALONE IN THE CITY! Oh you FUCKED HIM UP, you just fucked him up. I can't believe you --I can't believe me, I slept with you."
"Yeah, hun, you did-"
"DON'T YOU DARE TRY THAT WITH ME. God, I can't believe you. You have some really fucked up values, you know that? Sleeping with girls you don't know, getting high, feeling nothing. Do you realize how wrong that is? DO you realize how FUCKED UP you make him!?"
"Made WHO?"
"JIMMY. My God, I LOVED him-"
"See, that's where you failed-"
"NO, THAT'S WHERE YOU FAILED. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT." She was pulling at her hair, angry tears running down her face as she tried to keep it together. "You fucked him up before I could get to him. You messed him up and that messed us up and he hates you so much and yet he still followed your stupid teaching. He cheated on me because of your stupid teachings and because of that bitchSara-"
"He told you about Sara?"
"She was the one who started our relationship basically, soyes, he told me about Sara."
"He never talked to me about Sara-"
"OBVIOUSLY. You had him so set in 'love is bad, don't feel it' that he ignored how he actually hadfeelings for her and so when she started fucking someone else he just got so fucked up and scared that it ruined him. YOU RUINED HIM."
She was full out sobbing now, crying for things she lost, crying for Jimmy.
"I can't even begin to explain to you how much I hate you," she whispered. And then she was pulling on her shoes and leaving.
That was the last time I saw her for over a week.
That week was the week I could never tell Jimmy about.
I looked at Jimmy. The boy she loved. The man she loved, even now, when she only had her memories of him. He looked like he was in physical pain from hearing about that night.
God, I really had fucked up. I couldn't even fathom now what exactly led me to believe in all those stupid philosophies when I was young. I knew better now, 21 years later.
21 years too late.
"So you two are...?" He seemed unable to force the word past his lips.
"Friends, yeah."
"And what has she been doing for the past some-odd years?"
"Dancing with the Paris Ballet."
He seemed content with that answer, glad that she obtained her dream.
"Where is she now?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that."
His eyes flashed in anger. "Why not?"
"She wouldn't want me to."
He opened his mouth but then closed it again, obviously trying to fight against me but at the same time wanting to respect her. I totally understood. He wanted to see her, wanted to know her like I did, but he couldn't. She didn't want to see him, she wasn't ready.
It pained me to know this. My two best friends, hopelessly in love with each other, but too fucking scared to see each other again. It was ridiculous and I just wanted to smack sense into both of them, but I could be arrested for charges of assault and I couldn't have that right now. I had a band to run, I had kids to send money to. Being in jail was never really an option for me, ever.
"You could maybe tell her, when you next see her, that-" I could see his mind working behind his eyes. Tell her that he still loved her? Tell her that she was sorry? Tell her that he wanted to be with her forever (that might've been wishful thinking on my part)? "Tell her that I say hi."
"Of course."
He turned to leave and was almost to the hall when I remembered.
"Hey, wait."
He looked back and I wrote a note on a piece of paper and signed it quickly before folding it in half.
"Give this to Addison for me, okay?"
He smiled softly and nodded, then was gone.
It was that smile that made me realize that if he had the chance to go back and do it all again, he wouldn't. Because if he did, he wouldn't have his little girl.
I completely understood.
Hey Gloria
Are you standing close to the edge?
Lookout to the setting sun
The brink of your vision
Eternal youth is
A landscape of the lie
THE CRACKS OF MY SKIN CAN PROVE
.................AS THE YEARS WILL TESTIFY
Say your prayers and light a fire
We're going to start a war
You're slogan's a gun for hire
It's what we WAITED FOR
................HEY GLORIA
This is why we're on THE EDGE
The fight of our lives been drawn to
................THIS UNDYING LOVE
GLORIA, VIVA LA GLORIA
................You blast your name
In graffiti on the walls
FALLING THROUGH BROKEN GLASS THAT'S
SLASHING THROUGH YOUR SPIRIT
................I CAN HEAR IT LIKE A JILTED CROWD
................Gloria, where are you Gloria?
You found a home
................In all your scars and AMMUNITION
You made your bed in salad days
................Amongst the ruin
................Ashes to ashes of our youth
She smashed her knuckles into winter
As Autumns wind fades into black
................She is the saint on all the sinners
The one that's fallen through the cracks
................So don't put away your burning light
................Gloria, where are you Gloria?
Don't lose your faith
................To your lost naivete
WEATHER THE STORM AND DONT LOOK
................BACK ON LAST NOVEMBER
WHEN YOUR BANNERS WERE BURNING DOWN
................GLORIA, VIVA LA GLORIA
................SEND ME YOUR AMNESTY DOWN
................TO THE BROKEN HEARTED
BRING US THE SEASON
................THAT WE ALWAYS WILL REMEMBER
DONT LET THE BONFIRES GO OUT
................So Gloria,
Send out your message of the light
................That shadows in the night
GLORIA, where's your undying love?
................Tell me the story of your life
My hands haven't shook this horribly since I stopped drinking.
"Hey."
"Was that...?"
I paused, hoping that she would say his name for once. Just say his name without hurt or contempt but the need that I knew she still had. God damn it, I was her best friend, I could tell that she still craved his touch even after all these years.
Behind me I heard Jimmy trying to keep his voice level.
"Addie, go back to the apartment."
"But Dad-"
"Please, just go. Christian and I have to talk about...things." Even though I was turned away from him, he knew I was listening.
I heard Addison sigh and walk out, huffing down the hallway while murmuring things like "Not fair" and "Why does he get to talk to Christian, he had years."
"Yeah," I said softly, "it was."
I could hear Gloria's voice hitch in her throat.
"Um, well, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be back from Paris in a week or so..."
"Yeah, tour's done in about that time. I'll call you when I get back?"
"Yeah, okay... Um, C-Chris?"
I could tell she was about to cry. This was too much for her. Even though she acted though, she was broken. Just so broken. "Yeah?"
"How does Ji-How does he look?" So close.
I glanced at Jimmy. He had turned away from me, lighting a cigarette, the way his shoulders were tensed told me that he was angry. How I could even tell that after all these years, I wasn't sure.
"Well, he's still smoking, and he seems pretty pissed with me..." I heard Jimmy give a small snort, an obvious Fuck yeah, I'm pissed with you.
"So he's pretty much the same?"
I gave a short laugh. "Yeah, seems like it."
I heard her laugh, but it was a strained thing. She was already crying, trying to hold herself together for a few more seconds. If you went to my 22 year old self and told him that one day he would feel this heart wrenching pain for a woman he would've spit whatever he was drinking all over you.
"Well, call me when you get back, okay? We can go to that place we like. Y'know, the coffee house?"
Nice job Gloria, changing the subject when I knew all you wanted to hear about was him.
"Yeah, definitely."
I hung up and turned to face Jimmy, who already had been burning holes in my back with his stare, arms crossed, scowl in place. He almost looked seventeen again with his messy hair and don't-fuck-with-me glare.
"When?"
Oh the simple question. He knew. Of course he knew, how else would I even know her? I mean, I was stupid and 22, what else would I have been doing with her?
"She estimates it was about a week after she sent the letter, whatever that means."
I watched as his vision clouded for a second, recognition sweeping over his features before his face returned to the anger.
"For how long?"
"It was just the once-"
"Bull shit."
I laughed, running a hand through my messed up hair that was caked with the sweat and excitement that was that night's show. "I swear, it was only one time. I know that I was a dick to you the last time I saw you, but it was just the once."
And boy did I remember that one time.
It was just after one, maybe two in the morning. I was relaxing after that night's show, having a smoke outside of the venue after all the fans went home, about to go back to my new apartment.
The city was aglow from car headlights and the neon signs from China Town, advertising nightly companionship for the lonely and the rich.
God I loved New York.
I stamped out my cigarette and pushed myself off the wall I had been leaning on and started walking home. About a block from my building she appeared, all flirty grins and bright eyes.
"You're Christian Elliot," she said matter-of-factly. Not a question, but a statement. Obviously a fan of the band, my first thought was this girl might just be the first to see the inside of my apartment.
"Yeah, and you are?"
"W."
"W?"
"Yeah. Great show."
"Thanks."
We were walking together now, only feet from my front door. We stood there for a moment, I was looking at the window that was my apartment, waiting for me to get home. She was looking at me, still grinning, still flirty, now looking a bit cocky.
I liked that.
"You want to come up...?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
Her mouth was on mine in a heartbeat and then I was leading her up to my apartment and we were barely inside before we were pulling off clothes and getting naked and moving together in that dance that I loved to say that I had danced a million times before.
When it was over I couldn't believe that she was real. She reached over me to grab a carton of cigarettes and a lighter out of her jeans' pocket and lit up with a grin.
"So, where're you from, Christian?"
Weird. Probably should've set me off at the time, a girl asking questions after sex. But for some reason I didn't really care.
"This shitty little place back in California, a few hours away from this shitty town that I can't even really remember the name of. We always just used to call it Shitsville anyway."
"So you lived in Shitsville?" It sounded as if she had said the name before, but I pushed it to the side of my mind.
"No, the town I used to live in we called Jingletown. Great place, way better than Shitsville. Always had the best parties."
"I'm sure."
"Yeah. I was actually worshiped back there," I was starting to get nostalgic. Maybe even a bit home sick. I should call Mom later, tell her I'm okay. "Had my own little following, people who would literally follow my way of life."
"Mmhmm..." I heard a bit of recognition in her voice, almost as if she had heard this story before.
"Sex, drugs, always staying out. Great stuff those days."
She started getting up, looking worried. "You sound like Jimmy."
I pulled a blank. "Wait, I know a kid named Jimmy. Dark hair, always messy, angry all the time-"
She immediately shot off the bed, gasping and looking horrified. I sat up, confused. Definitely not the reaction I was expecting.
"What?"
"You're Tunny."
"How do you know that name?"
That's when she started getting angry. She pulled on her clothes with such force I thought she was going to accidentally rip her shirt in half as she pulled it over her head.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting as far away from you as possible."
"What?"
She rounded on me, pointing, eyes burning with a fire that I hadn't seen before in anyone I knew.
"You're the reason why he was so fucked up, you're the reason why we fell apart-"
"How do you even know Jimmy?"
"HOW DO I KNOW HIM? I MET HIM WHERE YOU LEFT HIM, ALONE IN THE CITY! Oh you FUCKED HIM UP, you just fucked him up. I can't believe you --I can't believe me, I slept with you."
"Yeah, hun, you did-"
"DON'T YOU DARE TRY THAT WITH ME. God, I can't believe you. You have some really fucked up values, you know that? Sleeping with girls you don't know, getting high, feeling nothing. Do you realize how wrong that is? DO you realize how FUCKED UP you make him!?"
"Made WHO?"
"JIMMY. My God, I LOVED him-"
"See, that's where you failed-"
"NO, THAT'S WHERE YOU FAILED. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT." She was pulling at her hair, angry tears running down her face as she tried to keep it together. "You fucked him up before I could get to him. You messed him up and that messed us up and he hates you so much and yet he still followed your stupid teaching. He cheated on me because of your stupid teachings and because of that bitchSara-"
"He told you about Sara?"
"She was the one who started our relationship basically, soyes, he told me about Sara."
"He never talked to me about Sara-"
"OBVIOUSLY. You had him so set in 'love is bad, don't feel it' that he ignored how he actually hadfeelings for her and so when she started fucking someone else he just got so fucked up and scared that it ruined him. YOU RUINED HIM."
She was full out sobbing now, crying for things she lost, crying for Jimmy.
"I can't even begin to explain to you how much I hate you," she whispered. And then she was pulling on her shoes and leaving.
That was the last time I saw her for over a week.
That week was the week I could never tell Jimmy about.
I looked at Jimmy. The boy she loved. The man she loved, even now, when she only had her memories of him. He looked like he was in physical pain from hearing about that night.
God, I really had fucked up. I couldn't even fathom now what exactly led me to believe in all those stupid philosophies when I was young. I knew better now, 21 years later.
21 years too late.
"So you two are...?" He seemed unable to force the word past his lips.
"Friends, yeah."
"And what has she been doing for the past some-odd years?"
"Dancing with the Paris Ballet."
He seemed content with that answer, glad that she obtained her dream.
"Where is she now?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you that."
His eyes flashed in anger. "Why not?"
"She wouldn't want me to."
He opened his mouth but then closed it again, obviously trying to fight against me but at the same time wanting to respect her. I totally understood. He wanted to see her, wanted to know her like I did, but he couldn't. She didn't want to see him, she wasn't ready.
It pained me to know this. My two best friends, hopelessly in love with each other, but too fucking scared to see each other again. It was ridiculous and I just wanted to smack sense into both of them, but I could be arrested for charges of assault and I couldn't have that right now. I had a band to run, I had kids to send money to. Being in jail was never really an option for me, ever.
"You could maybe tell her, when you next see her, that-" I could see his mind working behind his eyes. Tell her that he still loved her? Tell her that she was sorry? Tell her that he wanted to be with her forever (that might've been wishful thinking on my part)? "Tell her that I say hi."
"Of course."
He turned to leave and was almost to the hall when I remembered.
"Hey, wait."
He looked back and I wrote a note on a piece of paper and signed it quickly before folding it in half.
"Give this to Addison for me, okay?"
He smiled softly and nodded, then was gone.
It was that smile that made me realize that if he had the chance to go back and do it all again, he wouldn't. Because if he did, he wouldn't have his little girl.
I completely understood.
Hey Gloria
Are you standing close to the edge?
Lookout to the setting sun
The brink of your vision
Eternal youth is
A landscape of the lie
THE CRACKS OF MY SKIN CAN PROVE
.................AS THE YEARS WILL TESTIFY
Say your prayers and light a fire
We're going to start a war
You're slogan's a gun for hire
It's what we WAITED FOR
................HEY GLORIA
This is why we're on THE EDGE
The fight of our lives been drawn to
................THIS UNDYING LOVE
GLORIA, VIVA LA GLORIA
................You blast your name
In graffiti on the walls
FALLING THROUGH BROKEN GLASS THAT'S
SLASHING THROUGH YOUR SPIRIT
................I CAN HEAR IT LIKE A JILTED CROWD
................Gloria, where are you Gloria?
You found a home
................In all your scars and AMMUNITION
You made your bed in salad days
................Amongst the ruin
................Ashes to ashes of our youth
She smashed her knuckles into winter
As Autumns wind fades into black
................She is the saint on all the sinners
The one that's fallen through the cracks
................So don't put away your burning light
................Gloria, where are you Gloria?
Don't lose your faith
................To your lost naivete
WEATHER THE STORM AND DONT LOOK
................BACK ON LAST NOVEMBER
WHEN YOUR BANNERS WERE BURNING DOWN
................GLORIA, VIVA LA GLORIA
................SEND ME YOUR AMNESTY DOWN
................TO THE BROKEN HEARTED
BRING US THE SEASON
................THAT WE ALWAYS WILL REMEMBER
DONT LET THE BONFIRES GO OUT
................So Gloria,
Send out your message of the light
................That shadows in the night
GLORIA, where's your undying love?
................Tell me the story of your life