Inside of You

That's where I started choking. He caught me mid-smoke and I wouldn't have started choking if he hadn't startled me. 

"What do you think I'm doing, Gary?" I laughed as I kept my eyes set forward. I didn't want to have to look at his worried face and lose the high that I felt running through my veins.

"Have you totally lost your mind? How far out are you? You know what happens to people who turn into drug addicts!" he reprimanded as if he had some kind of authority over me. He was no dad and he was definitely not an older brother. 

"It's just one stick," I told him, "and besides, I don't have another one in my pocket. I only have one so you don't have to worry." Right when I was through speaking, I regretted it because as soon as he processed the words that came out of my big mouth, he grabbed the stick that was already half it's size and threw it in the river.

"Great, now you're gonna give the fishes a high." I tried to be funny but he was far from cracking up. "God, why don't you smile a little, Grumpy?"

His face showed a large amount of disapproval but he didn't say anything more. He just turned and walked away punching a tree trunk along the way. 

My mouth was craving for another drag. I didn't know it was highly addictive. I got up and ran to the river and tried to search for it but I knew it was a long shot since the water ran like the wind. It was probably on it's way to the ocean where bigger fishes were. 

I wonder what would happen if sharks got high on drugs. Would they eat everything they see? Come to think of it, I am kinda hungry. Damn it, I should've done this later in the afternoon so I wouldn't have to face the world of disapproval which I'm sure will be set right before me when I get home. I don't think Garrett would keep things like this to himself. He'd probably tell the first person he knows to stay away from me but that's fine. I mean that first person would probably be John and I don't want to have to hear him nag about crap I'm not supposed to be doing. Why can't they just mind their own business like the rest of the world?

I gave up trying when I started to feel restless. The water did feel really nice though. It was cold and refreshing and it made me feel calm. This could be my secret zen place. But it wouldn't really be that private since Garrett knew this place as well. Wait, how did he find me?

I thought about what happened Adam left. I grabbed a lighter from the kitchen and saw 5 sleeping bodies in the living room. John was nowhere in sight but there was something weird about the way Garrett was sleeping. I mean usually, when he's sleeping, his mouth hangs open and makes really loud and funny snoring noises. So since he wasn't making those weird sounds, it only meant one thing, he was only pretending to sleep.

I got tired of the water and I got tired of thinking so I trudged back to the house shivering in my wet clothes but I didn't really give a fuck. 

When I got inside from the back door, I found Kennedy making a sandwich for himself. He turned when he heard the screen door shut. He laughed at what he saw. I didn't think he would even look at me twice and still think of me as the same girl I was once before. Maybe Garrett kept his mouth shut this time.

"Did your bathroom run out of water?" he asked taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Nah, I just felt like swimming outside," 

"With clothes on?" Andy chimed in. 

I started to laugh along with them not caring that I was actually laughing at myself.

"Well it sure beats swimming in the shower," I said making them laugh harder. 

See, this is exactly the kind of surrounding I was looking for but apparently Garrett didn't seem to agree. He was such a killjoy. 

I went upstairs and changed all my clothes. They were all starting to feel really sticky.

Once I brushed my hair and was satisfied with the way I looked, I walked past my bathroom door and found a sullen Garrett sitting on my bed.

I didn't know what to say to him and he sure didn't mind my staring from the corner of the bed. 

"I wanna help you, Olivia-"

"Gary, it's not like I'm addicted or anything. Like I said, it was just one stick," I said sitting right beside him. I leaned on his shoulder feeling some kind of fatigue wash all over me.

"But if you keep hanging out with that Adam guy you call a friend, it'll probably turn into two and then three and then you won't even be able to count how many anymore." He really did seem down about this. It made me feel all sad as well.

"I know it's hard to understand why I'm doing this but you'll learn to comprehend soon enough," I told him rubbing his arm.

He looked at it and started to feel a little tense. "What is there to understand? How can you even find something worthwhile about taking drugs?"

"Well you never know until you try, really. I mean I used to think like you as well," I told him but he didn't really like what I said. 

"Where did that person who thought rationally go?" he asked rhetorically but I wanted to answer back so I did.

"Well she flew out of the window once she took the first drag," I giggled.

Garrett didn't seem to like my new attitude and he was easily annoyed by it. I felt bad but I didn't know what to do. 

It got to the point where he shoved me to the side and started to walk out the door. 

"Garrett, wait," I said walking towards him. "Please don't leave me," 

"Why? Why should I stay here and watch you destroy yourself slowly? Why should I wait to see the person I once liked turn into a drug addict who finds joy in cancer sticks? Why should I let myself believe that everything will turn out alright with you when drugs are involved?" He was on the verge of hitting something but unlike me, he thought with a clear conscience knowing that if he started to slam things around, people downstairs would hear.

"Garrett, I just don't know what to do, okay? I mean I want to keep living my life but so many things go the wrong way and nothing ever really goes as planned and I just don't know if I should keep on hoping to see if one day, everything will be okay," I said letting tears slip.

I was experiencing so many mood changes that even I thought it was crazy. I thought that in this state of mind, I wouldn't be able to feel anything but I guess I was wrong. It just magnified the emotions that I wanted to feel. 

"Why do you have such small hope for the better? I mean it's not like it's that far away," he said. 

I just shook my head in disbelief as I paced around my room. 

"If it was that easy, I would've been in my rational state of mind but I'm not," I complained.

I started to cry harder and I crashed on my bed. I heard Garrett sigh as he sat on the corner and placed a hand on the small of my back. 

I knew that I was acting like a child but I had no control over my emotions. It was like every screw in my body was set on max. 

When I calmed down a little, I sat up and grabbed some Kleenex from my bedside table and blew my noise. 

Garrett swiped away the tears that were coming down like waterfalls. I wrapped my arms around him and I felt him do the same. His forearms rested on my waist and it all felt nice until my phone buzzed. 

I pulled away and grabbed my phone. Adam was calling. I looked at Garrett who had another disapproving look on his face but told me to answer it anyway. 

"Hello?" I answered as soon as I accepted the call.

"Not the kind of tone I wanted to hear but hey," he said. From what I heard on his end, it seemed kinda noisy and static-y but he continued talking anyway. "Anyway, there's a party happening tonight. Wanna come?" 

"Where?" I asked. Garrett stayed stuck in place but I knew he was listening intently.

"A friend's house," he said vaguely. "I'll pick you up at ten." That was all he said before he shut his phone and hung up.

"What did he want?" Garrett asked looking into my eyes.

"He said his friend was throwing a party tonight and he was picking me up at ten," I said sitting back down beside him.

"We're all going then," he said and I looked at him questioningly but the thought of having the guys near made me feel safer.

But I'm like far away from New York. 

No one's here to hurt me, right?