Inside of You

Out of the darkness I heard some kind of beeping sound. It was rhythmic and redundant as if it was following some kind of pattern. I squeezed my eyes tight before trying to open them slowly. The room I was in was bright. The walls were white and the shades were wide open, bringing in the light emitting from the sun outside. Once my eyes adjusted to the vicinity, I breathed in deeply and tried to feel fingers and toes. Everything seemed fine except my head. It was throbbing wildly and all I wanted to do was shut down and go to sleep. Sadly, I couldn’t.

A doctor came in to check on me. He flashed a light and asked me to follow it. He performed more simple exams before telling me that all my vitals seemed fine.

“Now it’s time for questions. Do you know what your name is?” he asked as he wrote things on his clipboard.

When the question was asked, my brain seemed to start working. I didn’t know the answer to his question. Who am I anyway? And why am I here?

The doctor, after waiting a few more seconds for me to answer, looked up when I stayed silent. I bit my lip as I strained to remember but nothing came up at all. I started to get scared. I didn’t know who and where I was. What kind of person doesn’t know that information? I felt like I was this blind woman who just opened my eyes for the first time and saw the world.

My head started to throb as tears started to fill my eyes. The doctor was idle as he watched me intently.

“I don’t know who I am,” I said in tears as I thought harder for an answer.

“Do you know where you are?” he asked looking at the monitors beside me.

“No! I don’t fucking know where I am and I don’t have a fucking clue about who I am!” I exclaimed as I brought my knees up to my chest and sat up. I rocked myself back and forth as I tried to calm myself down.

But I was aggravated. I wanted to know all the answers to the questions forming in my head but I couldn’t find any. Nothing seemed to roam around my brain that hurt like hell. It was like a bomb that was destined to explode but didn’t.

The doctor didn’t ask any more questions. He just rushed out of the room, leaving me all to myself to search for the answers that I didn’t have.

It wasn’t long until another visitor busted through the doors. I didn’t bother to look up though. I didn’t want to have to deal with other people who might ask me more of those infuriating questions that I had no response to. I just hugged my knees tighter as I let the tears fall from my eyes.

“Olivia?” said this really tall guy with hazel green eyes.

He closed in on me and sat beside me. I just kept my head down and stayed silent as he rubbed my back up and down. It was comforting but at the same time, it was weird. This guy was a total stranger and I don’t recall ever seeing him in my life.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked tucking my wild red hair behind my ear.

“Who are you?” I asked softly as I looked into those beautiful eyes of his. They were so captivating that it was so hard to look away.

“What?” He was taken aback but he disguised it with a charming smile.

There was no memory of this guy in my head. I couldn’t place him anywhere. But he seemed to have the answers that I needed. He knew me and he needs to tell me what I have to know. But can I trust him?

“I don’t know who you are,” I told him. He tried to reach for my hand but I jerked it away. I thought about the dark side of the situation. What if this guy was some kind of psycho who tried to kill me? What if he wasn’t someone who I associated with in the past? He didn’t seem to fit into my memory at all so maybe he’s just some kind of creep that’s trying to take advantage.

“What are you saying? I’m John, your boyfr--”

“I’m sorry but you’re not supposed to be in here,” said the doctor who came in a while ago.

“But I’m her best friend,” John said hesitantly as he shifted his attention back to me.

“Well she doesn’t know that,” the doctor mentioned as he came closer to me. “She’s going through a post-traumatic amnesia and it might take a while before her memory springs back on track.”

“But when it does, she’ll remember every single detail of her life, right?” John seemed worried. It was as if he actually cared.

“I can’t provide a straight answer for that yet. It all depends on how her mind deals with this.”

John looked at me and placed a hand on my cheek. It took a whole lot of courage in me to try and stay still. He almost told the doctor that he was my boyfriend so I must mean something to him.

The doctor let John out, telling him that he can visit me in the afternoon. Once he was gone, the doctor took some blood from me and checked on that something that seemed to pound on my head. I didn’t know if it was this big bruise or cut. All I did know was that it hurt like fuck and I wish it’d heal soon.

At least now I know some things about myself. My name is Olivia and I have a friend named John. Maybe this post-traumatic amnesia isn’t so bad after all. I mean it could be this chapter in my life where I could start over and rewrite on every single page of the story I lived in. Maybe this was a sign, a little gift from God. Or maybe all the other memories in my head were irrelevant and stupid. I guess instead of trying to figure out the things that went down in the past, I should just look forward and focus on the future and where it might lead me.