Inside of You

I waited a few minutes before I thought what I was doing was completely outrageous. I was about to head back to my house when his door knob started to twist.

“Look, Andy, I really don’t want to have to deal with shit right now. I’m drunk and-” He stopped midsentence and did a double take before shutting his mouth completely. “Olivia? Is that really you?”

I didn’t know what got into me but I moved forward and crashed my lips into his. The feeling of his lips on mine did it for me. The butterflies danced around in my stomach. I longed for this feeling for some reason. We just exchanged kisses for a while until I felt his hands under my shirt. That’s where my senses awakened. I noticed that his mouth tasted like beer and what other alcohol he took in. I took a step back and slapped him hard across the face. He almost fell backward but at least that revived him from his drunkenness.

“Tell me what you and Andy did isn’t true,” I told him as tears finally made their way out of my eyes. I wiped them furiously as he looked at me with those crazy eyes.

“What’re you talking about?” he asked holding the part of his face I smacked with all my might.

“She told me that you guys did it in my room!” I screamed out loud for the whole world to hear.

He slammed the door close as he stepped closer to me. He had this weird smile on his face. I couldn’t really read it. I couldn’t tell if he thought it was funny or if he thought it was outrageous that Andy would say something like that in my face. But I didn’t have all the time in the world to wait for his answer. I wanted to break down and cry myself to sleep. I wanted to go back and pretend like the rest of the night never happened. I wanted to stay with Kennedy because I knew I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t get me angry or depressed.

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” he said with a laugh.

I looked into his eyes and tried to internalize that very statement that he just made. He stared back at me with so much amusement almost as if I needed to be locked in a straitjacket and sent to an asylum. I wanted nothing more than to give him another smack right across his face again to take away that goofy, charming and sexy smile he wore.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked with all the anger and fury I could stir up.

I watched him pace around his porch. He sat down on the porch swing before getting up again wanting to yell at me. He was fuming. I could tell in the way he had a hand on his hip and the other hand in his hair. “Why in the world would you give a damn if we had sex? You don’t even remember who I am!” He practically screamed at my face.

By now, my lips were quivering. “So did you guys do it or not?” I questioned. I wanted to hear the truth. Every second was killing me. The butterflies that surrounded the empty space in my stomach were slowly disappearing and in its place grew these weird, nauseating monsters that made me queasy.

“I don’t even know why I waste my breath talking to you?” he said, walking back to his door.

“John, I remember everything,” I said in a small murmur but he didn’t hear it.

I wasn’t sure if he had heard what I had said and decided to ignore it. I wish he had so that maybe tomorrow he’d remember and make it up to me. But from the way he slammed his door in my face, he definitely didn’t hear a single word that made its way out of mouth just now.

I ran back to my house in tears and climbed up my room. I was so devastated. I mean the very moment I remember everything that’s ever happened between John and I, I feel like the whole world comes crashing down like the world trade center back in ’01.

I almost collapsed as I reached my room. My head was screaming bloody murder and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I breathed in and out deeply as I hyperventilated. I searched for the painkillers I was assigned to take on my vanity. I wanted this night to end so badly. I wish I had ended it when I got home but no, I had to stroll through the kitchen to grab a bottle of water which I never even got. This was all too much for me and it was senseless to try and put up with all this shit my life had produced. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I fight and stand my ground. Why can’t I just end all of this right now? Nothing’s stopping me. I could end it forever and stay with my mother in a happier place where no one can hurt me. I would be free of any problem that would’ve come my way if I stayed.

While I lamented and searched for that orange bottle of pain-killing pills, I saw something elongated and green near my perfume bottles. I stared at it intently before screaming my lungs out. It was a condom and it had some kind of white shit on it.

I dropped down on my floor and broke down crying as I thought about what Andy had said. My life was a wreck and I couldn’t do anything about it. It got to the point where my vision got blurry and no matter how hard I rubbed my eyes, they were still pretty foggy.

Before I knew what I was doing, I reached for my pocket and grabbed my phone. I pressed a few buttons here and there and I ended up calling someone. I didn’t even know who it was but when the other line picked up I heard a groggy Kennedy on the other side.

“Olivia, why are you calling so late? It’s like 11 already. Shouldn’t you be asleep?” he asked but I couldn’t answer him in words. Instead, I sobbed into the phone as I covered my mouth. I didn’t want to hear me cry. It was embarrassing but I couldn’t stop myself. “Hey, what happened? Are you okay?” I could hear him getting up from his bed. After a few seconds, a door closed and he was thumping down steps.

“K-Kennedy…I d-don’t…wanna b-be h-h-here right…n-n-now,” I said in between breaths. My lungs were failing on me and my airway was filling up. There was this big ball in my throat that prevented me from speaking and breathing.

“Just hold still and breathe, I’m coming to get you,” he advised.

I heard something clinking and another door slam. He was panting and his teeth were chattering. I guess he was cold at this hour.

I didn’t want to put down the phone and luckily, he didn’t either. He talked me out of my mood and calmed me down. By the time he was parked outside my house, the tears had stopped and I was breathing well again. I made my way down the stairs while he rushed his way in. We met in the living room but the sight of him just made me want to cry even more. I tried my best to hold it in but they came out of me involuntarily. He made his way towards me and wrapped me up in his arms.

“What happened?” he asked as soon as his arms were locked behind my back.

I proceeded to telling him what happened from the time he left and from the time he came back to get me. “Kennedy, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore,” I told him as I ended my story.

“Don’t say that,” he said. “There’s still so much time left. You have to be strong and learn never to give up because life will always find a way to fuck things up for you. But what you should know is that there will be people here who will help you get through it all. People like me.” He pulled away a few inches and tried to look into my eyes but I only stared at the floor.

“It’s too hard, Kenny,” I said closing the gap between us by placing my head on his chest. He rubbed his arms up and down my back and tried to soothe me.

“Tell you what,” he started, “why don’t you head upstairs and pack up a few clothes and you can stay at my house for the night? What do you say?”

I looked up at him to see if he was joking but he wasn’t even smiling. I nodded slowly and held his hand as we climbed up the stairs. I grabbed a bag from my room and placed some overnight stuff in it. I finally found my painkillers on my bedside table. I placed that in my bag and turned to see if Kennedy was still there. He was standing at my mirror, eyeing the condom on my desk. I saw his jaw clench tightly as he picked it up and threw it out the window in anger. He then proceeded to using my bathroom to disinfect his hands. I bit my bottom lip as I sat on my bed.

When he was through washing, he came back out and asked me if I was all set. I told him that there was nothing in the world that could stop me and with that, we got out of the house and I got in his car and Kennedy became my escape for the night.