Confessions From My Dead Mother

-Part One-
"ENOUGH"

With that one word all my pain was gone. If the memory had not been so clear I would have thought it had happened to someone else. I was still in shock I suppose because it looked to me like the demon things were scared of this new voice. I had yet to see what kind of creature was behind it. Although, I must admit the voice was breathtaking.

"Go, now, this one belongs to me."

The voice spoke again and as quickly as it spoke the creatures or demons or whatever they were disappeared. I don't think it was the shock after all they had been afraid. I knew I should be scared of this new voice but with the never-ending pain gone I just felt relief.

I was alone but the firelight still illuminated my surroundings and I was able to take notice of them for the first time since I was in control of my senses once again. Without the pain I found an uncanny clarity to my vision and what I was seeing was not possible. This place didn't belong in hell. I was in a room that looked like it must belong to a king from ancient Rome or Greece. There were gold lined pillars and Corinthian columns an archway covered in the finest silk. The room was obviously a bedroom of sorts because it was dominated by this huge four poster canopy bed that was covered in red velvet and silk. I know I said it before but the room did not belong in hell.

"Hell really isn't at all what you think it should be. It can be but it doesn't always have to be." came the voice as well as the man it came from.

He was beautiful beyond imagining. I found an angel in Hell, how ironic.. He was walking towards me and all I could see was his glow. His face was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. His eyes were like the darkest night but that may have been a trick of the firelight but I doubt it because I could make out the lashes that were so long they seem to touch his upper cheek whenever he blinked. His nose was straight and aquiline but not large and his lips were smooth and velvet looking and the bottom lip just full enough that any person female or male for that matter would probably want to nibble on it.

"Gah, what am I thinking?" I mumbled to myself hopefully not loud enough for him to hear.

Then again what did it matter if he heard or not in hell your thoughts weren't private as I had come to learn. Even knowing I couldn't help myself from looking. His hair hung in bronze waves down his shoulders, oh god his shoulders were bare. I just couldn't make myself stop as my eyes continued downward seeing perfectly sculpted arms and pecs and a stomach, oh my what a stomach. That flat ripped stomach was connected to narrow hips that were encased in a pair of black silk pajama bottoms. If spirits could drool I would have been.

I tried to chastise myself for falling victim to our baser human emotions like lust and was doing a good job of it until he spoke again.
"You know lust is healthy." He said this while smiling a knowing smile.

That's when I remembered why I was here. Even his magnificent face and body couldn't take that away. I was here to spend eternity in punishment for being a bad person. Bad person didn't cover it I was a lying, cheating, backstabbing, suicidal murderess, and a horrid daughter to top it all off.. I deserved to be here, now all I had to do was figure out why an angel was here with me.

"I am one of the fallen, one of the angels who was cast out of heaven." He spoke in answer to my thoughts. "Now I am the keeper."

"Ke, ke, Keeper of what?" I stuttered out.

"Many things." As he spoke a glowing orb appeared in his hand. "Souls for the most part."

"What do you want with me?" I asked afraid to hear the answer.

"Caterina, I want to offer you a deal."

"What kind of deal?" The question came out more like a mouse squeak.

"What would you do if I told you here in this orb is the soul of your unborn child?"

I couldn't speak, I couldn't even form a complete thought My baby the one I had killed in my selfishness, my stupid need to end my life. I don't know why but I felt myself reaching for the orb he held out.

"Na ah ah, tell me Cat, what would you be willing to do if you could have a chance to save this soul? A chance to let your child be born into the world you took from it?"

"Anything."

"Anything, anything at all?" He questioned.

"Yes, anything."

Of course he already knew my answer because the smile that was playing on his lips only widened with my response.

"Good, now lets talk terms and time limits and what you're going to give me." He said this while motioning me to the bed.

I had a bad feeling that going over to the bed with him was a bad idea but what choice did I have. I feared that I would be forced to have sex with him or worse. I mean even as hot as he was I don't consider having sex with a fallen angel a good thing.

"Caterina, you don't have to worry about that had I wanted to use you in that fashion you would already be naked in my bed moaning." The smile was playing at his lips again.
"That's a relief." I said feigning a nonchalance I didn't feel.

"Your baby's soul is what we call a free spirit, it was never born on earth so therefore never received it's freewill, nor did it ever commit any acts of pure good or pure evil."

"What does that mean?" I asked trying not to be confused.

Because it was never born it's not in the book of life so it doesn't belong back in heaven nor does it belong in hell and can not go to either place without the help of a keeper."

"That's how you ended up with my baby's soul you're a keeper."

"Yes a keeper may take the soul if he catches it. I just happened to catch this one."

"What do you want from me to send my baby to heaven?"

"I have no intentions of sending your baby's soul to heaven I plan on giving you a chance to atone for your wrong doings and to have your baby on earth so that the child may live the life it was supposed to."

"I don't understand."

"I can return you to your earthly body and heal your mortal wounds. You would live again and pick up life where you left off, I believe that was in a tub of bloody water. As for your child I could also return it to you but there are conditions to be fulfilled and bargains to be made. You would have to live for a certain amount of time and fulfill certain duties to me and say in five years or so I return your child to you."

"Just tell me what you want from me and I'll do it."

"Your word is not enough and I can keep your child either way and I already have your soul. You have something I want and you don't even know it do you?" He asked and I was dumbfounded by his question what could I possibly have to offer that he didn't have.

"Your mothers soul lives between the realms somehow and if you fail me you must bring me her soul in return for your failure, you are the only one who can harness her soul for you are blood of her blood. Hers is a most unique soul one not bound by the laws of heaven or hell."

"What do I have to do ?" I asked uncertain if my mothers soul was worth a child I had never known or my pitiful excuse for a soul.

"You have to atone for your sins and the sins of your family, that's all I ask."

"What do you mean sins of my family?"

"You'll have to find the answer to that one on your own. So are we agreed?"

"I, I don't know, I just can't bargain with my mom's soul it's not mine to bargain with."
"I'll Give you until midnight tomorrow to make up your mind." He said this while motioning me away. I turned and two girls were standing at an ornate set of doors.

" Make sure she's comfortable she needs time to think." He said this to the girls while gesturing towards me.

I was taken to a room that would only be rivaled by the one I had just left. It was here that I had to figure out what I was going to do, my baby or my mother. A child I didn't know or the mother who had loved and raised me only to be treated badly by me time and again.
I didn't know what I was going to do. As much as I wanted a second chance I couldn't bargain my mom's soul away. I may have been a horrible daughter in life but at least in my death I didn't have to be selfish.

I found myself reliving all the horrible things I had done to mom as well as all the good times. It was more than my soul could bear. I couldn't trade her soul even to save myself and my unborn child. I broke down and my soul cried out in pain.

"Cat, honey, it's going to be okay. My soul will be fine I have faith in you."

I looked up and my mother was sitting next to me on the bed with her own eyes full of tears.

"We have til midnight mom, there's plenty of time."

"Time doesn't pass here like it does on earth honey midnight is fast approaching here."

"Oh." It was all I could think to say.

"You have to take the keepers deal, I know you can handle this. We won't lose my soul I'll be there to guide you I promise." She said squeezing my hand in a reassuring way.

"Mom, I'll fail just like always look what I've already done. I couldn't even keep my last promise to you. I'm not strong enough." I cried.

"Yes you are I cannot interfere here but I can be there to help you and we will succeed."

"But I'm scared of not getting it right I won't just lose you but I'll lose any chance my baby has. I can't lose you both if I fail."

"You won't fail, now take the deal and listen to me just this one time. Please Caterina, you don't belong in hell and this is the only chance you're going to get to make it out of here. Time is almost up I must go now." She disappeared like an ethereal fog.

I didn't know what to do but as my mom had said I could begin to feel the time for a decision closing in and I knew my mom had made my decision for me.

Within moments my door opened and the keeper stood there looking at me.

"Have you made your decision Caterina?"

"Yes." I answered my voice a lot more steady than I thought it could be. "My mom's soul isn't a bargaining chip so I choose to decline your offer."

-Part Two-

"You can refuse my offer now but after a century or two here in hell you may see things very differently but it'll be to late then. I can promise you that. You might want to rethink your decision."

"I might want to change my mind eventually but I'll never again hurt my mother."

I could see anger flair up in his dark eyes if it was even possible they had become so black that they resembled a bottomless abyss.

"Very well then Caterina you have sealed your fate and will spend eternity here in he," but he was cut off before he could finish.

"No, she won't. If she won't bargain with you on her behalf maybe I can." My mother spoke cutting him off.

"No, mom no, please don't do this, I'll fail." I begged but the keeper had already turned to the direction my mothers voice had come from. I was no longer a apart of this conversation. Somehow, I was more than sure that had he been able to finish my fate would have been sealed and the endless agony would have already began.

"Cherese, so nice of you to join us, I thought I was going to have to doom your daughter to an eternity of hell. No one refuses me." The keeper spoke to my mom but his voice no longer held any anger just a slight bewilderment.

"How might I ask did you get here without my being aware?" He asked the bewilderment even more evident in his voice. "No one comes or goes from hell without my knowing but here you are and I was caught completely unaware. I couldn't ven hear your thoughts."

"As you told my daughter I'm a special soul the rules of heaven and hell do not apply to me. I'm one of the few wanderers left; even you a keeper cannot harness my soul. Well, not without my daughters help."

"Of that you are quiet right my dear and I must say that yours is a lovely soul indeed, one I would very much like to keep." He said this while reaching out and taking a piece of her hair and twirling it around his finger.

For just an instant I thought I saw my mom blush but it must have been a trick of the light because spirits can't blush or at least I hope not. I mean I had almost been drooling over him earlier. I mean I couldn't hear my mom's thoughts but it would have been kind of gross if she was having the same reaction to him that I had had earlier.

"So we bargain then but my terms may be a little different than yours but first I would like a name so I may know with whom I'm bargaining. You already know mine."

"Oh, but you are a smart one but you can just call me the keeper or keeper." He said sounding slightly amused at my mothers request.

"So you think to give me no power over you then." My mother said this and I could here the disappointment in her voice.

I didn't really understand this stuff about names or why it seemed important but apparently it was. I was going to file that away in the back of my mind for further reference. I was lost in thought about the name business when I realized I was missing part of the conversation. I had to pay attention because not only was my future at stake but my babies and my mothers. I really had to figure out something I couldn't let my mother bargain away her soul, not for me. Even in all my shallow selfishness of my past life I don't think I would have been able to commit such an atrocity, even then. I sure as hell wasn't about to do it now.

"Cherese, darling I don't think your Caterina is going to agree to anything where your soul is concerned."

"She won't have to, this deal will be between you and I."

"I must say I'm intrigued by you." He spoke all the while he was still playing with mom's hair. " So what do you have in mind?"

"I want my daughter to have the chance to live her life as she sees fit and to be able to have her child. I don't want restrictions put on when you'll free the child's soul, the birth of a child is not something to put a time limit upon."

"But what of atonement for her sins, no one can return from suicide without atoning for their sins. Well they can but they would never have a chance at heaven."

"Well, I'll agree to the atonement of her sins but not the sins of her family."

"No, that will stay in the bargain because she needs to know the truth if she's to go back and live, otherwise you and I both know she'll never survive the trials that lay ahead without it."

They were talking in riddles. It seemed to me that they both knew more about my future than I did at the moment. It wouldn't really be my future anymore but the future I would have had to have lived if had I not went off and killed myself. I was regretting that decision more and more. It seems no matter what I did I was always hurting someone in my selfishness.
I was pulled from my wanderings once again as their conversation continued.

"Yes, yes you're right I didn't see that, she'll need to know about the past but she shouldn't have to atone for more than her own sins because she already has enough to reach atonement for." Mom was speaking to him but I could tell she was completely lost in thought.

"I'll agree to that but with a stipulation or two of my own so let me get this right so far you want me to return your daughter to her life and release her child's soul back to her. Then she has to face the truth of the past in order to atone for her own mistakes all this without a time limit."

"Yes."

"I'm agreeing with you for the most part but won't release her child's soul back to her."

"And just why not?" This wasn't moms sweet angry voice but her full on pissed of voice. It was a voice I had never even heard until the separation and divorce.

"If I release the child back to her right now then it really isn't giving her a fair chance, it'll only make the future harder on her and you know that she's fragile."

"I'll agree with you there she is fragile and a child could complicate things."

"Okay, so we're agreed about the child then, the rest of your terms are reasonable."

"No we are not agreed about the child, I cannot condone you keeping that baby's soul from it's mother."

"We'll come back to that then but first we need to discuss what you could possibly have to bargain with that could extract such a high price from me." He asked and I could tell that he really didn't know what my mom was about to offer him.

"My soul."

The keepers face expressed true surprise he had truly not seen that one coming. I had known all along that that was what my mom had planned but there was nothing I could do or say. I knew this as surely as I knew that whatever conditions the keeper had in mind my mom was going to end up here in hell with me and my baby's soul was lost. I would fail.

"Excellent!" The enthusiasm in his voice reminded me of a small child getting everything he had ever wanted. "Let's hammer out those pesky things called details for I believe that this is going to be the most intriguing deal I have ever made."

The dealing went back in forth between them for what could have been hours. I had lost track of how long they stood there negotiating my fate. For a long while I even lost interest in the back and forth flow of conversation between them.

"I'll agree to release the child at a time when it seems that she has grown strong enough to handle the responsibility."

"How do I know that you will?"

"It'll be in the contract."

"Not good enough, I want to keep her child's soul, that way I know that you hold up your end of the bargain."

"Then I'll be giving you even more leverage over me. How do I know you won't run with it the moment you have it?"

"Touché, so that leaves us at an impasse, next point please." My mom was getting impatient I could tell from the irritating tone she was getting in her voice. I was pretty sure the keeper could sense it as well.

"These are my terms so far Cherese,

First and foremost you will relinquish your soul to me if your daughter goes back and doesn't atone for her past evils and as you know it takes a lot to atone for suicide and murder.

Second, she has to find the truth in the history of her family.

Third she must show true evidence that she is going to be strong enough to bear the future that is in store for her.

Her future is far more important to you than it is to me Cherese so let me ask is you soul worth it if she fails?"

"Yes."

"Good then all that's left is an agreement about the child."

"Not exactly I want to be able to guide her through this she needs someone who'll understand what she's going through. There's no better person to do that than me."

"No, I'll let you hold the child's spirit in faith and against my better judgment but she has to succeed on her own. He sounded like he was growing tired of this. "She'll succeed without question because you'll carry her through it, she has to learn to stand on her own two feet."

"Allow me to help her in three times of need and I'll stay here in hell the rest of the time so you know I won't run off with the baby's spirit or breach the contract."

"I'll agree to this but you aren't allowed to directly tell her anything you may give her clues but that is it. I will allow you a total of three clues to help her, that's three visits to earth that I'll accompany you on."

" You don't even trust me a little do you?" Mom was smirking at him.

"Not even a little but I can guess the feeling is mutual."

"Okay let make this official so we can get her back to her body before her window of opportunity closes."

So they drew up a contract that I had no say in or at least I thought until they spoke to me.

"Caterina, you'll have to agree to be sent back to earth."

"No," I replied this as severely as I could make my thoughts known I still had no voice here.

"Cat, please trust me just this once, this is my only request to you, let my grandchild have a chance."

Great just great my mom was begging and it was for her grandchild. I couldn't refuse her this one thing. It was impossible. Against my better judgment and the fact that I knew I would fail, I had to give my consent.

"Fine whatever." I said knowing that I had just destined not only myself but my mother and my child to an eternity in hell.

"Look at it this way Caterina, even if you fail your mother and child will be together and the souls I keep do not suffer." He said this and he lay the contract before me.

His words gave me little hope and the contract even less. The contract was very rigid about what could and couldn't be done and I must say my mom drove a hard bargain she should have been a lawyer. Basically this is what the contract said:

The first party does hereby agree to all terms and conditions of this contract providing the second party agrees and the third party complies.

The terms and conditions are party one agrees to return the soul of Caterina Marshall to it's living state releasing said spirit from hell. Party one also agrees to relinquish the third parties, unborn child's soul to the custody of the second party Cherese Marshall until such time as the mother is deemed fit to care for said child in an earthly fashion. Then said child's soul will be allowed to be born into the care of said parent.

The third party must atone for all earthly sins committed prior to entering hell and any new sins she may commit upon returning to earth. The third party must also learn from the history of her parents and any sins they may have committed. The second party is granted three visits to earth in which to help the third party. The second party will be accompanied by the first party on all visits so that the first party may moniter all clues given to the third party to make sure they are in compliance with the contract.

The second party may not directly reveal any life altering knowledge to the third party or attempt to leave with the unborn soul. Failure to comply to said limitations results in the loss of the second parties soul as well as that of the unborn.

If the third party fails then the second party relinquishes her soul to the first party and upon the deaths of the third party and her child if she succeeds enough to receive said child will be returned to hell. Once returned to hell the child's soul will return to the first party and the third party will spend her originally planned eternity in the manner she was receiving prior to the intervention of said contract.

The contract continued on but it was really quiet simple once you go past all the lawyerly talk. The keeper was the first party, my mother, the second and I was the third. In lamens terms all it was really stating was that I was going back to try and get forgiveness for my sins and I was going to be allowed to have my baby but just not right now. My mom was going to stay in hell and try to help in anyway that she would be allowed to according to the strict provisions of the contract. She would also be given the care of my baby's unborn soul. If I failed we were all destined to hell.

As I finished reading my mom spoke to me while pulling me into her arms, "it's time to go now you have to sign the contract upon entering your earthly body."

I admit I was shaking and I had so many emotions running through my head all I could do was grip her tighter and nod my consent.

"Lucien, we're ready so let us be done with this before the window closes." Mom was gesturing towards the keeper impatiently with a devious smile on her lips.

The keepers face had shock and disbelief written all over it when he spoke, "How?"

"I never lay all my cards down at once, us wanderers know a lot more than you think," she said all this with a knowing smile on her face and for the first time I could see a great knowlege hidden in her eyes. Knowlege I had never known she possessed.

Lucien just shook his head, "Woman I knew you were dangerous." He paused for a moment then smiled, "Our time together is going to be more interesting than I could have ever imagined."

With that he waved his hands and I was laying in a bath tub filled with bright pink water that was ice cold. I looked up and they were standing over me but Lucien had averted his eyes while my mom handed me a towel. As I steped out of the water I noticed all of my cuts had been healed except for one which was still dripping blood.

"We'll need the contract signed in your blood as well as our on." Lucien spoke while gesturing towards my wrist.

"Oh," was all I could manage to say. "What about you spirits don't bleed?"

"That's why we're here in our mortal forms hun, they can never truly be taken away from us." Mom said this while pointing towards herself and I noticed for the first time that they were in their living bodies.

"Let us hurry," Lucien said. "There isn't much time the moon is almost gone." With that he pulled us into the kitchen and opened the contract on the table. He signed first after cutting his hand with one of the same straight razor I had used to commit suicide. Then my mom repeated the gesture. and finally it was my turn. With my hand shaking I dipped my index finger of my left hand into the cut on my right wrist and used it to sign my name to the contract.

As soon as the last letter of my name was signed the contract split into three perfect copies and fold in upon themselves until they were about the size of a half dollar. One of the replica's began floating towards Lucien and he opened his bleeding palm to it. As he held his palm out the paper floated gently down into. The other papers began to float one towards me and one towards mom. As the papers touched all of our cuts they healed and the papers disappeared. In the place of cuts now sat matching tattoos. The all showed a little pair of black angel wings.

I looked up at Lucien and my mother showing them my right wrist. I guess confusion was evident in the way I looked at them because Lucien began to explain.

"The wings symbolize freedom and the contract is your way to that freedom. It's to always remind you of the contract least you don't forget about it. When you have fulfilled your duties here and the contract the mark will fade from all of us. If one breaches the contract we all know. We are all connected by blood and contract now."

I actually thought I understood. In fact I never really would understand it. I just didn't know that yet I was still under the assumption that I was going to fail.

"We must go now Cat," my mom was saying this to me as she kissed my cheek.

With a wave of Lucien's hand they were gone and I was alone in the kitchen at my cottage.

"What have I done?" I said it aloud but there was no one to hear.