Confessions From My Dead Mother

I think I may have been in shock. It was like I had been in some kind of weird drug induced hallucination. Like I had taken acid and my mind was just now settling back down. The only problem with that theory was the tattoo that was imbedded in my wrist. As beautiful as the wings were they held an ominous warning to me. I couldn’t sit here forever, I had to get up and come up with a plan to save my mom and my child. I didn’t see it happening but I had to try, my sorry ass wasn’t worth saving but mom and the baby had never done one wrong thing in their lives.

The next couple of months passed by in a blur. I hardly ever made it to school and when I did I had no patience for it. I spent all my time trying to research the genealogy of my family. This was a harder task than I would have believed. My mom was supposed to be helping me but I had yet to receive a single clue from her to point me in the right direction. I had been wondering if Lucien had lied about letting her help me. I stayed frustrated half of the time angry the rest. I found myself depressed more often than not and I felt hollow and empty inside without my baby.

I would have never believed that not being pregnant could have hurt so much but it did. I couldn’t believe how I had let what other people were saying and what they would say cause me to kill myself and my child. I hurt so badly. I would dream about the child I may never know. The dreams were always different but ending the same. My child would be jerked away from me. I would wake screaming and in heart wrenching pain. The empty feeling only worsened with time. It never seemed to be getting better.

By the third week in May things had again become unbearable. I was no closer to the answers than I had been in the beginning and the loss of my mom and my child was weighing on me. I was failing them once again. That morning in May my father called.

I answered the phone knowing it was dad from the number on the caller I D and the fact that no one else ever called.

“Morning, dad.”

I hadn’t really heard much from him other than an occasional call checking up on me. I thought this call wouldn’t be any different. Boy was I wrong.

“Caterina, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” He was yelling into the phone.

“Wa, wa what?” I stammered out completely confused.

“Don’t play dumb with me Cat, the school just called.”

“Oh, shit,” I mumbled to myself. Now I knew what dad was angry about. I really hadn’t thought much about the consequences of my not going it just hadn’t seemed important at the time.

“Principal Garner called and told me that you’re failing the second half of your junior year.” He sounded more exasperated than pissed, “ she also said that you’ve missed so much school that truancy wants us in court”

“Dad, I’m sorry but I just have had a lot on my mind lately.” I know the excuse was lame but I couldn’t very well tell him the truth even if he would have believed it.

“Sorry, isn’t going to cut it but I know this isn’t entirely your fault.”

“Huh.” I knew it was my fault so I couldn’t figure out what he was saying.

“If Mae and I hadn’t let you run off to stay at the cottage we would have known you’d been skipping classes.” He sounded so upset I had never heard him like this, “Cat, I think you need to come home for a while.”

I had to come up with something. I couldn’t leave the cottage. This was the only place I felt like I belonged and because of my ignorance I was going to have to leave it. I couldn’t let that happen.

“Bu, bu, but dad the cottage has nothing to do with it.” I stammered trying to defend the cottage.

“Yes, it does. Ever since you’ve been staying there no one ever sees you and your obviously not concerned with your future or you wouldn’t be missing school. I thought you were mature enough to handle staying on your own but I was wrong.”

I was worried about my future just not in the way he thought. My education couldn’t save my soul. I had to find out about my family history and try to figure out what it would take to make my sins be forgiven, there was no way I could do that and go to school. Plus I still had to get a job the money mom left me wasn’t going to last forever.

“Look, Cat, just get your skinny but home. I mean now, I’ll come up there and get you if I have to.” Dad was angry now I could imagine how his face would be all red. “If I have to come up there I promise you Cat you’ll never see the light of day until you graduate. You’re only seventeen and I’m still your guardian and your father. I can’t believe how bad you’re making me look to the school and not to mention we have to go before the judge to. I’m not going to look like a very responsible parent because of this.”

Great just great. I had gone and messed up again. I guess I had no choice but to go home. I still had to figure out how to save myself and now apparently I was going to have to try and make amends with my dad and the school. This was so freaking wonderful as if my plate wasn’t already full enough.

“I’ll be there as soon as I pack my things.” I stated flatly and hung up the phone.

It didn’t take me long to get my things together and throw them in the passenger seat of my car. I had a feeling that things weren’t as cut and dry as my dad had said. I really didn’t want to go home but I really had no choice so I went but grudgingly. The bad feeling I had only worsened on the drive into Brighton Beach. In the pit of my stomach I felt sick but I pushed the feeling aside and went on. My stomach was literally churning by the time I pulled onto Ventnor Avenue where we lived. I had to pull over it was hurting so bad, may be I was coming down with something but more likely than not it was just nerves.

I sat there for about five minutes before I decided to pull back out but before I could my stomach rolled one more time. No sooner than I had yanked the drivers side door open the entire contents of my stomach spewed onto the ground. The sick feeling didn’t get any better and now my wrist felt like it was on fire. I jerked it up and my little black wings were glowing. I had no idea what this meant but it definitely wasn’t good.

“Someone’s trying to change the rules.” I jumped at the sound of the voice.

I looked over to see Lucien sitting in the passenger seat.

“What do you mean someone’s trying to change the rules?”

“I’m not sure but someone’s out there playing around and it isn’t good.” He actually sounded worried. “ I need you to be careful Cat.”

“But I thought you wanted me to lose,” I remarked snidely for all I knew he was the one trying to do something.

He smiled, “of course I do but I have to give you a fair shot, the contract says so and I don’t like interference either way. This could be something and it might be nothing but still I don’t like it.”

“What do you want me to do?” I asked more shaken up than I was during the drive over.

“I don’t know what the threat is or even if it is one I just ant you to keep your eyes open that’s all. You had better go I can sense that your father isn’t going to wait to much longer.”

With that he disappeared. I didn’t know what to make of his warning but my tattoo wasn’t glowing anymore and the burning had faded to a mild discomfort. I pulled out and drove the rest of the way to my dad’s. Getting out of the car I heard him yell,

“Get your ass in here now Caterina Marshall!

I hurried up the driveway and the door was yanked open before I could even touch the handle. My dad was standing there fuming I hadn’t seen him this angry since the day I threatened to tell mom about Mae. This was not good. Grabbing my arm so hard it felt like he was pulling it from it’s socket he yanked me through the door. I barely had a chance to look up at him when he began ranting and raving at me.

“You’re the sorriest excuse for a daughter I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been so disappointed in my entire life.”

“Geez, dad take it easy before you give yourself a heart attack. I know I’ve messed up but I’ll fix it dad.” I said this not really knowing how I was going to fix it but I had a feeling if I didn’t calm him down it was going to be bad.

“You aren’t going to be able to fix it, you can’t even do something as simple as go to school.”

“Look, I’m sorry dad, I really am but I can go to summer school and make it up.”

“Summer school isn’t going to fix shit.”

I was getting the distinct feeling that he was no longer talking about my school related issues. I wasn’t really sure what I had done now but apparently it was something really bad.

“Dad, I why won’t it, I’ll make up the classes and I’ll,” there was a sharp stinging in my left cheek cutting off my sentence. Before I could even identify the cause of the stinging pain I saw my fathers fist come up and slam into the left side of my face. I guess the first pain had been a slap cause this hurt a hell of a lot more. I went to raise my arms up to protect my face but before I could his fist came at my face again and when it connected everything went black.