Never Regret

Okay, it’s not like I’m ignoring Michael. I just hung with my band yesterday during Mike’s birthday and haven’t turned my cellphone on today. Besides, tonight is our gig in Greensboro so each band is rehearsing separately. I can’t tell Michael about my fears about our relationship, I just can’t. But I won’t avoid him completely – Taylor won’t let me. It wouldn’t be fair to Michael anyway, he hasn’t exactly done anything wrong! About 5 minutes ago JC called a break because he broke two strings on his guitar, so while he fixes them I’m having a quick smoke outside with Reece.

“You’re quiet today. What’s up?” Reece mused, taking a drag of his cancer stick.

“Eh, nothing. Just thinking,” I shrugged, smiling weakly.

“Ooh, don’t hurt yourself!” Reece teased.

I bumped him with my hip, making him laugh. This is what I love about when Reece and I hang out alone – he doesn’t press me for answers. And he always makes me smile.

“I’m heading back in. You staying out here for a while?” Reece asked.

“Uh, no. Why would I?” I frowned, stamping out my cigarette on the floor.

“Because Chizzy’s on his way over here?” Reece suggested, nodding his head behind me.

I groaned softly but nodded, turning around. It’s not that I don’t want to see Michael, I just don’t want to feel guilty when he’s being all sweet to me. Michael reached me pretty much as soon as Reece shut the bus door.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to reach you all morning. Are you okay?” Michael asked, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine. My cellphone died last night and I forgot to charge it,” I explained, only lying slightly.

“Oh, okay. I thought you were mad at me for something,” Michael said wistfully.

“Why would I be mad at you?” I said quietly.

Michael frowned and lifted my chin so I was looking right at him. Damn it, I hate it when he does this.

“Is there something wrong, Kenzie?” Michael asked softly.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” I said forcefully.

“If there was nothing wrong, you wouldn’t be getting so defensive!” Michael retorted, dropping his hands.

“I wouldn’t be so ‘defensive’ if you would stop butting in!” I scowled.

“I’m your boyfriend, I’m meant to ‘butt in’. I care about you and I worry about you because you’re not like any girl I’ve ever met before. You keep everything to yourself and you don’t let me past your fucking walls no matter how hard I try! Excuse me for attempting to be a decent human being!” Michael exploded.

My eyes went wide with shock at Michael’s outburst. He never loses his temper over anything. And it’s all my fault. Fuck. Michael’s expression immediately softened, tinged with guilt.

“Baby, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I swear I didn’t mean to,” Michael apologised, cupping my face with his hands.

“I know you didn’t,” I said with a weak smile, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment,”

Michael nodded and pecked a kiss to my lips before stepping backwards.

“I’ll talk to you later,” I murmured, wrapping my arms around my body for warmth.

“Alright,” Michael sighed.

I chewed on my lip ring as I walked back onto my bus, only to be confronted by Taylor.

“Was Chizzy just yelling at you?” she frowned.

“Yeah. I told him to butt out and he went on a rant about how he only worries so much because he cares about me,” I nodded, running my fingers through my hair.

“Fuck, Mack. You’ve really got to talk to him,” Taylor groaned.

“I’ve got to get ready for tonight,” I mumbled, pushing past her and ignoring her words.

I didn’t even look at my confused bandmates as I walked into the bunk area. This is getting way out of hand.

*

I grinned as the crowd cheered, sweat glistening on my forehead as we finished another song. Tonight was going good. Really good. I mean, tonight I felt and looked good, in my red skinny jeans, black spaghetti top, black flat peak and flower print Doc Martens. This was the kind of energy I loved, the kind that made the 6 months away from my daughter worthwhile.

“Alright Greensboro! Who’s in the mood for a love song?” Logan called into the microphone.

The crowd screamed at us, making me laugh.

“I don’t know, I can’t quite hear everyone,” I teased into my microphone.

The crowd screamed even louder, making me grin. Yes, this was the life.

“This is Rain Falls Down,” Logan introduced.

Logan and JC started playing, and I joined in when Logan started singing.

“I'm only sure of one thing,
That's you right now,
I hear your voice,
And what we talk about,
And I'm trying to say,
It won't come out,
Yeah I'm trying to fix this broken mouth.

And I'm wishing that I could take your hand,
And set you on some untouched land,
Just so you are never sad again,
And the world you have known will somehow end.

There's a beating to your heart,
That I just can't be apart.

I can feel the rain fall down on us together,
Just wait for the sunshine,
Let's wait for the new day,
When we can't get away,
It's me and you held close together,
Hold on for the long ride,
This won't be easy, Tonight...”

I felt someone’s eyes on me, so I turned my head to face the side of the stage, only to see that it was Michael. My heart seemed to tighten slightly when I saw how sad he looked, making me bite my lip. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with him earlier, I really shouldn’t. I just can’t talk to him about my insecurities. All he would do is reassure me that everything will be alright, when he can’t promise that. I know he can’t. With a weak smile, I turned my head to face the audience again, chuckling at how loudly they were singing along. Not that I don’t love the fact that so many people know our lyrics, but if only they knew how true the words are, especially tonight.