Promise Me This; Never Let Go

One long and depressing month passed. In that time, I told all my best friends that I returned home and I would stay at my parents' home for a while. I wanted to feel the warmth of their love again. It was like a warm fire in the middle of the cold winter.

I was able to spend quality time with my best friends, without Matt's presence. They didn't attempt to ask me what happened with Matt, and I was grateful for that. I could tell the guys in our group were doing their best not to mention the band. Brian slipped up once or twice and tried to play it off, but I always caught it. He was, after all, the person that had a talk with me about Matt, besides Ken. Brian told me that he told Matt a long time ago to tell me his feelings towards me. If only Matt listened. I often wonder how things would have changed if Matt did tell me earlier. How different would things be?

Placing the striped carnation in my journal, I pressed down on the book to let the flower flatten. Ken researched the meaning behind carnations the following morning when I returned home in tears. This is exactly where his research led him:

White carnations represent pure love and good luck, while striped (variegated) carnations symbolize regret that a love cannot be shared.

Even with flowers, Rafael and Matt are going on with this never-ending war! On Rafael's first day at Huntington High School, he gave me a white carnation as a gift. Then, at the skate park, I find a striped, oh sorry, "variegated" carnation. Why is this happening to me? Why?

It sucks that for one straight month, I cried every single day. I wish I didn't because this was probably what he wanted all along. He wanted me to break down and crawl into a fetal position and cry for him. Well, mission accomplished, I have been crying for him. What would Rafael say or even think if he saw me? He would probably file a divorce because he believes that I love Matt more than I love him.

I shook my head, returning to pack my clothes. By the end of today, I would be on a plane heading towards Europe. I'm leaving behind my family and friends, but this is a part of my life I want to end. I want to rid my memory of my ex-best friend, Matthew Charles Sanders.

I didn't make the decision. He did. It was his decision not to patch our friendship together. As much as I don't want to leave, I must, and so I shall.

"Izzy?"

I smiled. There was one person I never wanted to leave behind, but I couldn't take him with me. He has college and his whole life ahead of him. I don't want him to follow me around unhappily. At least when I'm traveling to different places with Rafael, I have my photography. Ken can't skateboard everywhere.

I stood up and gave him the sweetest, tender, loving, and sisterly hug I could manage.

"I'll miss you too. Do you want me to call Matt?"

I pushed his shoulders so he was looking me in the eye. "No!" I pleaded. "Please don't."

"Okay, jeez! Why don't you want to see him anyways?"

"What if he says he'll come but then doesn't at the last minute? What if does come only to tell me I'm sad and pathetic right to my face? What if he tells me he doesn't care about me? I can't deal with the hurt. No, no, no."

"Okay, calm down. I'm sorry for asking. You're leaving for good aren't you?"

I couldn't look him in the eye. I didn't want to say yes because I didn't want to leave, but I have to. I have nothing left here. I couldn't stay when everywhere I looked, a memory of Matt and I flashed by. I couldn't even enjoy the beach anymore.

"You can always come with us for a few weeks or months if you want to. I'll pay for your ticket," I replied meekly.

"That's a no," he sighed. "I wish you don't have to go, but I understand. We can't keep you here forever. I might take your offer and go bother you one day." To add onto the cheesiness, he winked at me and messed up my hair. I sighed and punched him in the arm.

We walked down to the kitchen where my parents were sitting, talking to Rafael. I wasn't listening to their conversation so I went to give Ken another hug. He obliged and hugged me back with the same amount of force.

He's all grown up and mature. I couldn't be any prouder of him. Why do I feel like this is some sappy speech that I'm giving because I'll never see him again? I don't know. Anyways, I don't know how it happened, but his ADHD slowly began to diminish as his teenager years rolled on by. It eventually went away and he grew up to become a mature young adult. Oh my god, I feel old.

I shuddered and sucked in a deep breath. With the next few moments, I said bye to mom and dad, and gave them both the best hugs I could muster. They, of course, were sad to see me leave but incredibly happy I was able to find a husband and that I was about to indulge in a career that I would be successful in.

Mm, yeah. Things are going to change from now on. I'm just not sure if these are good or bad changes.