The Life of a Teenager

I’m from pony tails and a hair clip
Trying out different makeup
Different clothes
Different shoes

I’m from wondering why Mom was in pain
Why she was always grumpy
Why long rants about the doctor were common place
And why I wasn’t told a thing.

I’m from long hot showers
After a long and satisfying vaulting practice
Smelling like the horse
Loving the smell of soap.
And as I trundle down the stairs in my PJ’s,
The smell of my mom’s amazing cooked sandwiches
Reaches me…
Made of things you would never think of.

I’m from my mother’s admission
She had cancer
From crying myself to sleep
When no one could hear
Staying strong during the day
So no one would pity me
Try to comfort me
Because really, they had no clue.
I bottled it up inside
And chewed my beautiful nails down to stubs
Sometimes my fingers
Making them bleed.

I’m from shouts of, “Who left the snacks out?”
A chorus of “Not me!”
And a chuckle of, “Do I need to call the ‘Not Me’ exterminator?”
Along with a brand new recipe for the night
Delicious
Then a kiss
And a hug goodnight.

I’m from hugging my mom tight before she left for surgery
Giving her her favorite perfume from my collection
Praying everything would work out ok
And fighting down the tears
When someone asked how she was
And if I was praying
No she has cancer!
Why wouldn’t I pray?

I’m from swimming in the above ground pool
Laying down in the grass in the sun
Breathing in the sweet scent of many flowers
Listening to the goldfish pond
My cat meowing
My dog barking
And losing myself in blissful nothingness

I’m from seeing my mom in the hospital
Frail and tired
High on painkiller
Talking about faces she saw in the painting
Hugging her ever so gently
And going out to lunch
Leaving Dad with his wife
A solemn silence befalling my nana, brother, aunt and uncle
No one knowing what to say.

I’m from making new friends
Hosting sleepovers
Random cries of, “Truth or dare?!”
“Someone do blue baby!”
And, “Wow she is such a biyatch!”
Gossip
And those deep conversations before passing out
At 4:30 AM

I’m from helping my mom home
Counting down the days till she was better
Watching her give herself shots
And using medical instruments
And words
I’d rather not mention
As she went bald
And continued on like a soldier
Strong for her kids
I knew she broke down when we weren't around.

I’m from locking myself in my room
Blasting Avenged Sevenfold
Metallica
My Chemical Romance
ACDC
And Escape the Fate
Having my own little party

I’m from my dog bleeding for no reason
From his eye
His ears
And his snout
Taking him to the vet
Drugging him up
Coming down the next morning to find him dead.
From my cat withering
Huddling in my lap
Visiting my dog’s old favorite places
And drifting off to death at age eighteen

I’m from dancing
Singing
And enjoying my life
Crossing my eyes
And wiggling my ears

This is me
It’s who I am
I love my life
And no matter what you say
Spread
Or do
You can’t make or break me
I am me
You are you
I have friends
I have family
I am lucky
And I am free