Bursting Red

I’ll never forget the way my mother looked at me that day she first stepped into my hospital room. It was the day after I had first woken up, after the incident where they had to sedate me. I wasn’t even so much awake as I was numb and completely broken down. Maybe that’s why she cried so hard that day. I didn’t even so much as say hello. She stepped into the room and immediately her hand flew to her chest. The way she whispered my name like I was some kind of dream, it was heart wrenching. I brought my dull eyes over to her and stared, waiting. She called me baby and ran to my side, groping around the sheets for my hand. I remember when her tears fell down my arm.

She couldn’t stop crying and yet, I couldn’t shed a tear. “Stop,” I looked away from her then, not wanting to see the pain in her eyes as I brushed away her unrelenting affection. “Get off of me,” her breath wavered until she let out a wail of despair. I heard her knees hit the floor and I heard her sobbing like she had never been so sad. She said she was sorry at least ten times then, that it was okay. But I knew better. Nothing was okay-I had lived when I would rather have died. None of them understood how I felt, so broken and cold without him. I spent the next two weeks in the hospital doing nothing but staring out that window, watching the sky for those white birds.

But I never saw them. It got to the point I couldn’t eat because of the pain, I couldn’t sleep and I damn sure couldn’t take care of myself. Everyone knew I wasn’t the same person as I was now, I was nothing but an empty shell of a once compassionate girl. It was then Kaa-san and Tou-san invested in a mental health hospital, just for a short while until they said I was well enough to go home. But I wasn’t ill, I was heartbroken, and that was their stupidity in thinking that it would help. They watched me eat, sleep, and cry every day.

It wasn’t until I started getting sick a couple months later did they pay real attention to me. I was curled up on my bed in my cell, waiting for them to make their rounds when my door opened. I didn’t even bother turning my head around I knew what she was going to say. “Nezumi-chan, it’s time for your exams, are you ready?”

I closed my eyes and rolled over on my back, eyeing the ceiling curiously. “Exams for what?” It happened around three weeks ago, I couldn’t keep my food down very well and I was having difficulty walking. As much as my leg had healed since then, every time I stepped I couldn’t keep from crying. The pain was unbearable and no one knew why. It was stupid of me to ask what they were for, I knew full well what the exams were for. I guess I was scared to know what the results would be. I already wasn’t able to use most of my hand, if something was more wrong with my leg. The nurse walked over to me and helped me sit up, pulling behind her a wheel chair so I wouldn’t have to walk.

“You know why Nezumi-chan. You’re parents are coming today, are you excited?” That’s another thing I couldn’t stand about this place, they all thought I was incapable of understanding or something. The truth was I just didn’t want to talk, so I hardly ever did. And she thought no less of me when I didn’t answer. Really, she probably would have been surprised if I had answered her. I watched quietly as the hospital walls changed from a sickly mint green to a dull yellow. Down the halls until I could smell the antiseptic rolling off the windows. We pushed through a pair of double doors until I came fact to face with the doctor that worked in the medical ward.

“Nezumi-chan, you’re looking better.” He snapped his gloved hand at me and smiled.

“I suppose.”

And I closed my eyes waiting for it all to end. The test took a total of two hours and in that time they performed a series of tests that I didn’t understand but all in all I kept my eyes closed and just prayed for it all to be over. I finished the test and was allowed back to my room, I curled in bed and as soon as I was alone I started to cry. The time had come by now I had given up on Deidara. He wasn’t going to come back for me, he didn’t care that much anymore. The truth was I was nothing but a memory now to him, just as he was slowly becoming. It was only a hope that I could one day forget him entirely. Three hours later my door reopened and in stepped the very people who made my home this cell. “Nezumi-chan, how are you feeling today?” I didn’t bother looking at my father. It was the same thing every Thursday and really I was sick of it. “The nurse said you were eating again.” His hand brushed against my cheek and I turned away. Apparently my mother hadn’t come in the room yet, everyone would have heard her. “You’re mother is out in the hall talking to your doctor, he got your results in.”

“Will my leg be okay?” I finally looked into his eyes. He looked older than he ever had, soft eyes and graying hair, he wasn’t the same as he always had been either.

“You’re mother will tell us when she comes back in.” But our thoughts were both cut off by the sound of screaming. I sat up suddenly, worried at the sound when I saw my mother’s angry eyes through the small window on the door.

“It can’t be true! That bastard!” The door to my room flew open and in came my infuriated mother. Her eyes found mine and that billowing hate just crept through the air. “How could you do this to me!?” She raced towards me and as hard as she could threw her open palm at my cheek. I tasted blood as soon as I found myself looking around dizzy. Slowly, I raised a hand to my own face and narrowed my eyes, there was a reason I hated her. “You’re coming home with us immediately, where I can watch you with my own eyes.” I moved my face to watch her leave, leaving me alone with my father and my doctor.

“Mr. Manami, there are papers that must be signed if you plan to take Nezumi-chan from our care.” My father gave me a worried look before standing up and leaving to myself. So this is what I got for coming back. Sometimes it seems like being killed by Hidan would have been a better choice than this. I put my head back on the pillow, rubbing my inflamed cheek.

All these secrets, I didn’t even know why I was getting punished. I guess people like her didn’t need an excuse. And the last thing I needed was a home back with her. It didn’t take long for me to get back in my house, my room was left just as it was before I left. When I stepped in I didn’t fail to notice the small spatter of blood they didn’t notice from when Deidara came in through my room. I cleaned it as soon as I got the time. Kaa-san didn’t say anything to me the whole time I was there, after she spoke to Tou-san even he wouldn’t talk to me. It wasn’t until around dinner time did I say something to them. “What is it? What has got you two so angry with me?” My mother’s ice cold eyes ran up my thin frame until she settled on my face.

“Do you really want to know, I guess we can’t hide it for too long anyways.” She set down her chopsticks and folded her slender hands together. “That- that monster. Do you realize what he’s done to you?” I narrowed my eyes, I was really getting tired of people calling him that.

“No, I’m afraid I don’t. What has he done?” Tou-san glanced up at me and I noticed he hadn’t eaten much of his dinner. Could it really be that bad?

“You’re carrying his child Nezumi. Three months along, you whore, how could you?” My breath caught in my throat and subconsciously my fingers treaded the length along my stomach. His child? I was…pregnant. So much for forgetting him.

“That’s impossible…” I muttered, even though I knew it was completely plausible considering it hadn’t been that long ago that we had committed to the act. But three months already? It had been that long since I had seen him and now, now here I was with his spawn inside of me. Was my life always destined to be this difficult? I looked at my dinner and pushed it away. “I’m sorry, I’m not hungry anymore.” They didn’t bother stopping me as I got up and stumbled out of the room, my legs hurt but it was all I could do to make it outside, away from this ensuing madness. My life was going down in pieces and I had no say, I was still really a child myself, what was I to do with a baby. Let alone a baby that had no father or anyone to help support me. I found myself crying, yelling out into the streets and screaming his name. But for a whole different reason this time. Somewhere out there I hope he knew the pain and misery he had ultimately cost me. My entire life thrown away all for a selfish thought he once had so long ago. Tou-san came and got me later that evening from the road once I realized it hurt my leg too much to stand up. He didn’t say much but he didn’t need to. Deep down I knew he would be there for me and as much as he possibly could, he would learn to love not only me but the newest addition as well. I fell asleep that night with wicked dreams, knowing that the rest of my life was about to change…

Two years and six months later….

I never thought I’d fall in love again, but here I was completely smitten.

I had named her Yukiko, after all she was a rare blessing that even after all this time I wouldn’t have changed a single thing. She had her father’s eyes, those bright cerulean orbs that shone brightly every new morning, I couldn’t get enough of them. Her hair was darker than Deidara’s but still a bright shock of yellow. She was the reason I got my heart back, she was the only reason I kept trying after all this time.

And right now, she was sitting behind my stool flipping through a book that was upside down.

I sat in front of a blank canvas, a brush in my crippled hand and a determined look on my face. I could do this, I could learn to paint again with my fingers that did work, I brought the brush up to my canvas and ran it’s tip along the length of the canvas. I shook slightly, but it would take some getting used to. I was willing to wait. I sighed and dipped the brush in water, maybe right now wasn’t the best time to be doing this. As if on cue, Yukiko dipped between my legs and turned on her heel, slapping her small hands against my legs. “Hungry!” She giggled and said it again until I picked her up, brushing a piece of blonde hair out of her face.

“Silly girl, let’s go to the store shall we?” She nodded exuberantly and clapped her hands as I stood. I grabbed an umbrella to shield us from the blaring sun and headed towards the door, slipping into my shoes I headed out into the bright Iwagakure light. I had my own place to live now. It was small but it worked, after all I couldn’t stay with my parents. After Yukiko was born my mother gave up on me, called me a whore and kicked me out. Behind her back however, Tou-san continued to send me monthly checks and even if when we’re lucky, he comes over and plays with Yukiko. And my, how she loves him.

People in the village pity me still to this day, they say it was rape but I know better. It was love in its purest form and if they can’t understand then I can’t ever change that. I suppose it’s better than having people look down on me for it. Yukiko struggle in my grip so I let her down on her own and held her small hand in mine. “What do you want to eat then?” People whispered as I walked by, but they always did so I paid no mind.

“Apple,” she replied absent mindedly. Every time we went into the village she watched with wonder as the hustle and bustle continued. She loved people, almost to the point where it made me nervous as daring and clueless as she was. We walked for a good fifteen minutes until a butterfly caught her attention, it dipped by her head and flew forehead. She tore from my hand as I was looking through a bin of fruit and took off from me, laughing the whole way.

“Yukiko, no!” I dropped the fruit and darted after her, the crowds were heavy because of the afternoon lunch rush and soon I couldn’t see her over the people. Panic started to sink in and as fast as I could I pushed past people until I spotted the small child.

And a pair of people I never thought I’d see again. Yukiko stood in front of the blue skinned man and stuck her tongue out rudely. Judging by the dirt on her dress she had ran into them and had been knocked into the dirt. Her cheeks were red with exhaustion but she still managed to insult the man. I watched speechlessly as Itachi looked down at Yukiko with a curious expression. Kisame on the other hand bent lower and smiled in her face. “Better stick that tongue in before I take if straight from you little girl,” he sneered, glaring at her as the small child stuck her tongue out even further. I ran in and scooped the girl up, ignoring her sharp intake of breath as she was lifted off the ground.

“Yukiko-kun, what have I told you about running away like that?” I scolded the girl and made to turn away but was caught by the arm suddenly.

I looked up at the blue man and glared, pulling my arm from his grasp. This was the last thing I wanted. Finally when my life had been pulled back together along came them, the Akatsuki weren’t people I wanted to associate with. “Itachi-san, are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Kisame laughed and looked over at his partner. It was then did I notice Itachi’s eyes were boring into my skull. “Don’t tell me that little brat is-”

“It’s none of your concern!” I suddenly yelled, stepping back and clenching my squirming child closer.

“Why is momma sad?” Yukiko asked from my shoulder, looking into my face with concern. She whipped her blonde head at the duo in front of us and glared. “Leave momma alone!” And she slapped my shoulder. Kisame laughed louder and suddenly I saw the unmistakable look of pity wash over Itachi’s face.

“She looks just like her father, Nezumi.” Itachi finally spoke to me, stepping closer to stare further into the Yukiko’s face. “Acts like him as well.” The curiosity got the better of me and I brought my green eyes to meet his scarlet ones.

“So-so he’s still alive then?” He nodded curtly and held his eyes to mine. “How is he…” I couldn’t bear to finish my sentence. It had been three years since I left that place, three years alone and without a person to call my other. Maybe I would have been better off hearing he was dead, it sure would have spared the sudden pain in my chest.

“He’s alive, he’ll be delighted to know of this meeting.” without thinking I brought a hand up and placed it on Itachi’s shoulder. Kisame glared at me from behind the Uchiha but Itachi didn’t seem to mind. He understood.

“Please, don’t tell him. It would do no good to anyone.” I lowered my eyes and removed my hand. “Are you sure they won’t come after me, knowing I’m alive?”

“Kisame can be trusted, you’re safe.” I nodded quietly and stepped back.

“Why are you here then?” This time Kisame stepped forward and grinned, happy to be included in the conversation. The whole time Yukiko glared at him.

“You’ve got a jinchuriki in the village that we need. Roshi, do you know where we could find him?” I looked up at the sky, of course I knew where he was, he was part of history to this village but if I told them wouldn’t I be no better than these people? My mind flitted back to Deidara and I flinched. I loved him still, as I always would. It was all I could do to repay my debts anyway.

“Roshi left the village a while back, but I know where he fled to. There’s a small village two days outside of Iwagakure called the village of coal. It’s a small mining town but it’s secluded. The perfect place for a jinchuriki to hide.” I had to look away to keep from crying. Here I stood, signing this man’s death certificate and I didn’t even know him. Kisame smiled and laid a large hand on my shoulder.

“You’ve changed Nezumi, I never would have imagined a sweet girl like you would be so willing to hand one of your own over without a fight. Deidara would be proud.” I couldn’t even get mad at what he said so instead I looked up at Itachi and tried my hardest to let him know that this was my payment. “Itachi-san, let’s get going. This place is hot and the brat is starting to creep me out. She looks like a little version of him,” he muttered and walked away. Yukiko sighed and put her head down on my shoulder, happy Kisame was away from her.

“You can tell him I said hello though.” I finally said, looking back at Itachi as he prepared to leave. He nodded and before breaking eye contact from me I saw the light in his eyes. It’s a shame he would get eaten by that organization. We set off in separate directions, my heart heavy with guilt as I move back through the crowd.

No matter how long time would go on, I would always love Deidara and because of that I would continue to do stupid things for him. He made me that way, whether it was a curse or a blessing, that damn shinobi. Yukiko had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I took this opportunity to stop walking, bringing my head up towards the clear sky.

Always watching those blue, blue skies for those white birds.

Happy for once that I couldn’t see a single thing.